Of Mice and Marathons

Off.

Anxiety at an all-time high. Struggled. Knew I had to take care of the boys and parent with Megan but I found it impossible to function.

Off.

Rougher than the day before. 

Fairly rough to start, but the boys slept in a bit and I went to sleep on the couch with the monitor so Megan could sleep. I went back to bed and worked through things after that. Made my peace with the fact that I will get done what I can on some level for the semester and the world is crazy. Tried to focus on positive thinking.

Started to feel increasingly better throughout the day and did all the little things that add up (showering, hydrating, and so on). 

Had my Wahoo Kickr smart bike delivered. I made all the adjustments and was able to get a ride in. It's incredibly smooth and now I don't have to take my bike on and off the trainer and not put wear and tear on it. Going to sell the old trainer.

PM: 60' on the trainer (Pettit -1). 131W. HR 128.

Wow. What an incredible machine.  

PM: 60' on the trainer (Bays). 185W. HR 156.

Anxiety very rough. 

AM/Lunch: 90' on the trainer (Andrews). 177W. HR 156.

PM: 30' on the trainer (West Vidette -1). 164W. HR 137.

+ hip and glute stuff after.

I don't recall how I felt this day, but I am sure it was not sterling.

PM: 60' on the trainer (Beech). 171W. HR 137.

I cannot recall if this was the day I had an extremely tough day or not. Near panic attacks when up and couldn't get out of bed while in bed. 

PM: 60' on the trainer. 184W. HR 155.

Struggled a bit today mentally but was better and worked on positive thinking and just trying to get small things done. So much to do that I am cognitively overloaded, which effectively renders me unable to do any of it. Seemed like a good day for an FTP test.

FTP Test = 275 

First Interval = 308 watts @ 185 BMP

Second Interval = 306 watts @ 187 BPM

A decent result. I couldn't get the cadence and gearing right as I have the smart trainer programmed for my gravel casssette. The beauty of the machine is you can change gearing to whatever you want, so I can switch it to a 2 x road setup if I want. Most days it doesn't matter because I am in ERG mode, but I will remember this next time I do an FTP as I got burned through the first half of the first interval (Did the same thing last test when I had my gravel bike on their and the gearing is the same).

I was glad I hung on as I felt it would leave me feeling mentally accomplished.

Boys have switched to one nap, which sort of worked well during the first few days but has made night extremely rough. Wakeups and early wakeups and so on. 

AM/Lunch: 60' on the trainer (Lazy Mountain). 133W. HR 128.

PM: 60' on the trainer (Bald Knob -2). 145W. HR 132

Okay day overall. Stressfull, but mostly normal. Anxious about going to Maine as the current house setup isn't super condusive to the boys sleeping and napping, despite being probably 3000 square feet or more (the upstairs was mostly heated by woodstove, but since dad broke his back they really haven't used it and the oil heat is all on the first floor. it's a remarkable cluster). Trying to manage that. I left there in an anxious mess this last August so I am trying to not do that again.

I'll run at some point I guess. Need to get my electrician buddy to put in a 20 AMP breaker so I can use the treadmill. I have no desire to run in freezing temps at this point in my life.

PM: 60' on the trainer (Leavitt -5). 181W. HR 152.

Better day today even still. Some stressful moments, but really just normal life stuff and end of semester stuff. I think I did okay being reflective and trying to work through issues. 

Hoping the boys sleep well tonight. Some waking up and some general grumbling. I of course go to bed and hear nothing for the first 3-4 hours and then spend from 3:30-6:00 or later half awake and barely able to sleep. This is not typical for me.

I have been watching Ozark for a little while ago. Maybe I need to watch something less stressful and tense?

Adjusted the bar height a little bit and that helped with groin numbness.

AM: 60' on the trainer (Pettit). 170W. HR 141. 

Went to bed at a decent hour but couldn't fall asleep even though I'm exhausted. Worried Charlie would panic wake early as he has done the last few nights. He squabbled a bit and I waited him out. He woke at some point around 1 or so because Megan must have fed him the auxillary bottle I packed just in case. They woke somewhat early but went back to bed and I snoozed on the couch for a brief bit and got Sawyer up at 7. I let Charlie sleep for a little while then got him up, which is tough to do. Little guy was so cozy.

They nap and go back to bed after an early bottle in their toddler seats/baby rockers and are strapped in, but Sawyer wasn't and I saw him on my camera flopping out of the chair. No real worry as it's carpet, but the door was open and had I not woke he might have been down the hallway. We have the space to have them in separate rooms, but I guess people just like to have twins in the same room. 

Absolutely exhausted today. Couldn't even hide it socially when we spent a few minutes with friends before leaving the boys to play for about 2 hours. I was nodding off at 4:30. 

Megan and I had a relaxed a bit at home, missing the boys and enjoying the time to just be by ourselves.  

PM: 90' on the trainer (Zwift). 176W. HR 142.

Tried Zwift to give it another try (it's been about 2 years when I got my first trainer). It's very cool and the automatic elevation changes with my setup is game changer for indoor hills. The way I had it setup was for shifting (typically I just put it in erg mode and the trainer controls the resistance/power. Good for longer rides. 

Pretty good day. Boys are doing okay with one nap, but it is difficult to tell how it affects going to bed and wake times. 

PM: 90' on the trainer (Brasstown). 185W. HR 138.

Anxiety mostly dissipated today. Stressful and challenging, but normal life and day-to-day stuff. A welcomed change. Got some grading done. 

Didn't take any medication today (it's as needed). Realize I need to also mark these as I don't have records of it, just a general sense of the month or a rough estimate e.g. "it was about the time we came back from Maine, but before the semester started."

HR was lower today than expected (normalish for the workout typically), so much so that I checked my WHOOP to see if the chest strap was off (I had a low reading to start but then it straightend out). It was correct. 

Somewhere in season 3 (I think) of Ozark. It's absolutely nutters. 

PM: 90' on the trainer (Phoenix -3). 190W. HR 146.

A good ride. Up and down day mentally with some rapid mood shifts. Better later. The boys went to a friends for almost 3 hours. I got off the trainer and Megan had gone for a run. It was oddly quiet. 

I think the increased riding and positioning of my setup is causing blatter urgency. In running you get injured. In cycling you get weird issues in your parts regions. I think I need to bring the bars up a good deal. Really annoying as I don't really feel like running right now, but I think a few days to get things sorted is best.

PM: 3.5 miles on the treadmill in 35'.

Checked the bike trainer after and the handlebars had slipped. Not sure how long they were like that but the cam lock wasn't tight enough. The issue has caused some urinary tract issues to crop up, which thankfully today I had a followup appointment with my doctor today anyway. Need the issue to go away soon so I can train. Run was pretty blah. Nice today, just didn't want to be too far from the house in case I wasn't able to run.

Felt pretty normal throughout the day and anxious before and after running. I want to enjoy it, but right now I am not. I don't like that feeling.

AM/Lunch: 4 miles, averaged 9:31. HR 152. Did 2 strides.

Didn't want to run, but couldn't ride. It was decent out, especially for December. A short, but good run. Strides felt good. Just did a couple to stretch the legs. 

AM: 60' on the Trainer (Bays). 198W. HR 156.

Rolled the dice. Felt okay. Got a booster after running around to several places because there were errors in the CVS system, which then caused me not to be able to get one at Walgreens.  Ended up getting one. 

Finished grading around midnight I think. Submitted grades. Went to bed directly after. Would have been nice to relex. Boys had a roughish night. 

PM: 90' on the trainer (Brasstown -1). 160W. HR 146.

Spent most of the day with the boys as Megan has work still to do. Mild effects from the booster. Confusion, brain fog, head a little warm and fatigued, but much better than the trouncing from the second shot back in may. 

Tried the last few days to mentally prepare for our trip to my parents'. Conversed with my siblings to make sure the boys have somewhere to sleep upstairs and that there's heat up there. Trying to stay clam and positive. Doing relatively well. Therapy session next week, so I think I will look for some strategies to manage stress, aging parents, and so on.

Ride was decent. Tired and a little disoriented. Apparently, it's okay to exercise after the shots (more research is likely needed for this). It heightens fatigue, but I'm already there. Still, could have done a recovery ride for 60'. Will reevaluate tomorrow.

PM: 90' on the trainer (Zwift). 184W. HR 152.

AM/Lunch: 2 hours on the fat bike. HR 152.

Wasn't sure how the snow would be but got reports yesterday that Orion Oaks was good to go. Conditions were decent still and the Polly Ann trail is apparently plowed this year. 

Crashed on the safety path going downhill on Clarkston Road. Luckily I slid like a hockey puck. I had my winter bibs on, which no doubt gave me some cushion.

PM: group strength and mobility session with the guys.

Decided that given one of the team guys is going to do free sessions on Sundays I would make this a weekly thing to help with isolation. Trying to remain ultra cautious with the virus, but the isolation is not helping. It was a good session and it was nice to see some folks I haven't seen in a little while.

AM: 60' on the trainer (Bald Knob -2). 146W. HR 126.

First therapy session today. Went well. Decently sore from the session last night and the crash. 

PM: 60' on the trainer (Zwift). 169W. HR 131.

The world was way too hilly to set at 100% elevation match. Lesson learned. Adjusted it part of the way through.

AM: 90 on the trainer (Phoenix -2). 201W. HR 148.

Strong ride. HR stayed down and the watts were up. Nice to crack 200 for a steady ride with some lightish tempo in there.

Driving to Maine tomorrow. Hoping the weather is not too snowy and can get some short 3-4 mile runs in. I don't want to do what we did this summer, which was to not get out. 

Off. 

Travel day. Stayed somewhere in New York. Boys did quite well.

Off.

Travel day. Got into Maine around 8 or so I think. 

Off.

Planned to run a bit but just didn't get there. Tough because mom is taking care of dad and we need an additional person or so to help with the boys for Megan and I to run (which we do, but I just couldn't work up to it).

Spent a fair amount of time with dad. He's repeating himself a lot, but is in good spirits. Spends about 2-3 minutes watching a movie before turning to a show and then back to something else, while fast forwarding through certain parts. 

He told me some stories I hadn't heard and some traumatic family history that I hadn't heard. I think I finally came to the conclusion that he's more than just an asshole alcoholic (though deeply caring and has supported me in every thing I have ever done). He's a deeply trouble man, someone who could have used a lot of help to work through his issues earlier in life.

Off.

Christmas day was quite good. Dad was very excited to give us a large chunk of money that he kept hinted at for several days. 

Off. 

Don't recall what we did this day, but I think it might have been the day that my sister lost her dog. They also had a friend die of COVID on Christmas, so I think this was the day the kids went sleding and the kids of the guy who died came over. 

Off.

Took the boys outside sleding. Mandy, my parents' dog, got hit by a car but was thankfully okay. This was the day I really started to feel rough mentally. Mostly just emotionally exhausted with dad. Did manage to keep therapy session #2 on even with crappy internet. That went well.

Off.

Travel day. Rough goodbye. Dad didn't want us to leave and wants us to move to Maine (which will never happen). I slept a good deal in the car and Megan graciously drove. I was overly exhausted. Stopped in Rome/Utica, New York.

Off.

Travel day. Got home to Michigan around 8 or so. Exhausted.

PM: 60' on the trainer (Zwift). 147W. HR 136.

Felt good to get some exercise. Rough day mentally, but much better second half of the day.

PM: 90' on the trainer (Zwift). 164W. HR 141.

Was going to do a TrainerRoad session, but my ipad was dead. Could have probably just done it on my laptop. 

I am hoping for snow for perhaps the first time since I was a kid so I can do some fatbiking. The dirt roads are too crappy and in between. Very much enjoying the new trainer though. 

2021 was a strange year. More difficult than 2020 in many ways, but many reasons to feel fortunate for sure. 

I did about 300 hours of riding and very little running. 500 or 600 miles, maybe. Last year was just under 1000. My lifetime total since starting in September 2010 is just shy of 30,000 miles, so most years have been solidly over 3000.

I'd like to run more but I am not really interested in training for running races, so I will just run when I feel like it, but my plan is to try to run twice a week and keep dropping weight and gaining fitness through cycling and see where it goes.

Happy New Year!