Sock tans

Nice refreshing sunday morning run. 8:46 average

Was thinking about how I gained back the 10 lbs I lost in June or July from being sick... I'll admit I'm a little sad. But then again, I ate well in the hospital and in residential and PHP, so it makes sense why I'd gain it back. I just would rather be 128 than 138. But! That's the kind of thinking that led me to anorexic tendencies in college, so I've got to switch my thinking around.

I was happy with today's run, for being under 9:00 pace the whole time. It felt good too. 

Almost went running this morning, but I had a ketamine treatment this afternoon and last time they had a hard time setting up the IV I think because I was dehydrated (I misinterpreted the "fast" to mean no food or water 4 hrs before, but they just meant food haha). So I opted to not run to keep as hydrated as possible. They still had a little difficulty getting a vein today, but it took 2 tries instead of the 3 it took last time so improvement! Although the first try the vein rolled and then collapsed, so that wasn't good. Ah.

Anyways, this ketamine treatment I didn't have my therapist there because she's out of town, so I had one of their guides sit in instead. It was a different but still good experience. This time, I saw figures doing body movements kind of like dancing slowly. It was pretty cool. I felt the pulsations in and out and had that same odd feeling, this time it didn't feel quite like waves. It's hard to explain that feeling. I was completely stress free for the full 45 minutes, so that was amazing. I had a moment where it was as if I was watching my whole existence from a distance. I realized how minuscule I am on the grand scale of things. I recognized that life is always moving and changing. I also recognized that my life is changing a lot right now in particular and it has the past few months with everything going on. Like how most people have a daily routine, I very much do not have a routine going on. Each day is different. My most notable thoughts during this session were: "Do I matter?" And "Does it matter if I matter?" Questions I've been pondering since the session. Towards the end of the session I got really sad, remembering a conversation I had with a family member the night before. During that conversation I told this family member that I went to the bishop of my ward for help because I wasn't going to be able to pay for some of the things I needed and I knew my family couldn't help me. I told them I was desperate, because, well, I am. Just in this period of time where I'm waiting to start my new job. This family member freaked out, as if going to the bishop for help were the worst thing I could've done. I guess in their mind, I've rejected the church so I don't deserve the help given by the church. They then proceeded to call me selfish and self-absorbed, which hurt a whole lot. So, in this ketamine session I remembered that conversation, and cried while holding the guide's hand for probably the last 5 minutes.

So, in all, a different experience from my first time, but I think it was good to feel those emotions. 

I went to IOP after my ketamine infusion and expressed what happened last night to the group, many of them got upset for me. Saying I should continue to pursue help from the church despite what my family member said. They said that's what their aid is for: both people in and out of the church. You don't have to be a member. And one person said besides, I paid tithing and fast offerings for years while I was in the church, this was just that coming back around to me. One of them offered me canned food from an evangelical church and I accepted, that was so kind of him. So I got that tonight after IOP. That helps a lot. 
 

It was a little chilly out this morning! I woke up a little earlier than normal so I decided to go running early. I made it 2.7 miles without stopping once, which was a small accomplishment. Then I ran until 3.05 when a blister popped and I decided to walk home. It was quite painful haha. I averaged 8:51, which I was also happy about. 

I had my third ketamine treatment today. They upped the dose a little this time since I've been able to handle the lower dose. It was real trippy haha. Hard to explain. I didn’t see shapes or figures this time, it was as if the whole room was morphing into a kaleidoscopic picture. My therapist was there this time and I could see her like 4 times at once at some points. She was the one constant as everything else shifted. It was crazy cool. I really felt like we were diving deep into me this time around, as if everything was on the table and we were peering around into my mind. And I felt peace. Without worry. I remember telling my therapist it felt like I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing or anything, and she likened it to a rebirth. And yeah, that’s kind of how it felt. Putting things in the past. Moving forward. It felt like everything inside me was being stretched and pulled apart like taffy and put back together again. I don’t even know how to explain it this isn’t doing it justice, it was super cool and a very good experience.

Yeah, you just get so sucked into the experience that it’s like nothing else matters haha. Like I didn’t know where I was, but I wasn’t upset about it. It was like okay I’m going for a ride I’ll deal with any other shit later 😂 and my therapist was there, and I could still see and hear her talking to me, and I was able to respond although I wasn’t able to think through what I was going to say as much it was like I thought it and then said it as I thought it. Sometimes it felt like I was dreaming rather than actually seeing and hearing her. Idk how to explain it but I felt calm and safe the whole time.

I think this is the first time in 10 years that I can listen to a song say, "and that's what makes me want to die" and I can say, yes I understand what that's like, to want to die, but I don't feel like I want to anymore. For the first time possibly ever in my life, I feel like life is something to be explored, like it's bright and happy. 

During this treatment my therapist told me I've been through hell, but it's time for me to thrive. And that's what I feel like doing now. Thriving. Not just surviving. I'm ready for life to be happy and pleasant. I'm ready to enjoy it rather than just get by every day. 

I was feeling kind of slow and heavy today, but I pushed through. Didn't stop once! 8:31 average. 

Crazy busy day today, didn't have time to run. My left eye randomly swelled yesterday and got much worse this morning. I ended up going to the doctor, it's not pink eye or an eye infection. Nothing was in my eye. He said it looked like I got decked in the face. Could be an allergy so I got some eye drops and Benadryl, which didn't help at all. It hurts to blink.