Almost went running this morning, but I had a ketamine treatment this afternoon and last time they had a hard time setting up the IV I think because I was dehydrated (I misinterpreted the "fast" to mean no food or water 4 hrs before, but they just meant food haha). So I opted to not run to keep as hydrated as possible. They still had a little difficulty getting a vein today, but it took 2 tries instead of the 3 it took last time so improvement! Although the first try the vein rolled and then collapsed, so that wasn't good. Ah.
Anyways, this ketamine treatment I didn't have my therapist there because she's out of town, so I had one of their guides sit in instead. It was a different but still good experience. This time, I saw figures doing body movements kind of like dancing slowly. It was pretty cool. I felt the pulsations in and out and had that same odd feeling, this time it didn't feel quite like waves. It's hard to explain that feeling. I was completely stress free for the full 45 minutes, so that was amazing. I had a moment where it was as if I was watching my whole existence from a distance. I realized how minuscule I am on the grand scale of things. I recognized that life is always moving and changing. I also recognized that my life is changing a lot right now in particular and it has the past few months with everything going on. Like how most people have a daily routine, I very much do not have a routine going on. Each day is different. My most notable thoughts during this session were: "Do I matter?" And "Does it matter if I matter?" Questions I've been pondering since the session. Towards the end of the session I got really sad, remembering a conversation I had with a family member the night before. During that conversation I told this family member that I went to the bishop of my ward for help because I wasn't going to be able to pay for some of the things I needed and I knew my family couldn't help me. I told them I was desperate, because, well, I am. Just in this period of time where I'm waiting to start my new job. This family member freaked out, as if going to the bishop for help were the worst thing I could've done. I guess in their mind, I've rejected the church so I don't deserve the help given by the church. They then proceeded to call me selfish and self-absorbed, which hurt a whole lot. So, in this ketamine session I remembered that conversation, and cried while holding the guide's hand for probably the last 5 minutes.
So, in all, a different experience from my first time, but I think it was good to feel those emotions.
I went to IOP after my ketamine infusion and expressed what happened last night to the group, many of them got upset for me. Saying I should continue to pursue help from the church despite what my family member said. They said that's what their aid is for: both people in and out of the church. You don't have to be a member. And one person said besides, I paid tithing and fast offerings for years while I was in the church, this was just that coming back around to me. One of them offered me canned food from an evangelical church and I accepted, that was so kind of him. So I got that tonight after IOP. That helps a lot.
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