I had my third ketamine treatment today. They upped the dose a little this time since I've been able to handle the lower dose. It was real trippy haha. Hard to explain. I didn’t see shapes or figures this time, it was as if the whole room was morphing into a kaleidoscopic picture. My therapist was there this time and I could see her like 4 times at once at some points. She was the one constant as everything else shifted. It was crazy cool. I really felt like we were diving deep into me this time around, as if everything was on the table and we were peering around into my mind. And I felt peace. Without worry. I remember telling my therapist it felt like I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing or anything, and she likened it to a rebirth. And yeah, that’s kind of how it felt. Putting things in the past. Moving forward. It felt like everything inside me was being stretched and pulled apart like taffy and put back together again. I don’t even know how to explain it this isn’t doing it justice, it was super cool and a very good experience.
Yeah, you just get so sucked into the experience that it’s like nothing else matters haha. Like I didn’t know where I was, but I wasn’t upset about it. It was like okay I’m going for a ride I’ll deal with any other shit later 😂 and my therapist was there, and I could still see and hear her talking to me, and I was able to respond although I wasn’t able to think through what I was going to say as much it was like I thought it and then said it as I thought it. Sometimes it felt like I was dreaming rather than actually seeing and hearing her. Idk how to explain it but I felt calm and safe the whole time.
I think this is the first time in 10 years that I can listen to a song say, "and that's what makes me want to die" and I can say, yes I understand what that's like, to want to die, but I don't feel like I want to anymore. For the first time possibly ever in my life, I feel like life is something to be explored, like it's bright and happy.
During this treatment my therapist told me I've been through hell, but it's time for me to thrive. And that's what I feel like doing now. Thriving. Not just surviving. I'm ready for life to be happy and pleasant. I'm ready to enjoy it rather than just get by every day.
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