Sock tans

Legs were sore and heavy from Fridays run but it felt nice to get out. It was warm! 8:08 average

When it rains it pours, right?

1. My car got a flat tire last night, which means the tire needs to be replaced. All tires were worn anyways so I need to replace all of them, and it's an AWD vehicle, so they should all be replaced at the same time anyway. It's gonna cost over $850 to replace them all. 
2. Discovered that my right front ball joint is bad. It's leaking grease/fluid, and also explains the play in the steering. I can't drive on a bad ball joint because it could fail anytime, and a failure would be catastrophic. I'd lose control of the vehicle and likely cause an accident, and the wheel could fall off completely. Cost to repair one is around $300, and usually mechanics recommend all ball joints get replaced because if one has gone bad, likely they're all on their way out. So that's $1200. And that's not including an alignment, or if they also need to replace the control arm or tie rod, I'm not sure exactly what's all needing to be replaced. But it's bad.
3. I'm not making enough money at the job that I'm most qualified for to cover all of my basic needs like housing, food, phone, shelter, transportation, therapy, medication, and other healthcare. Reliable transportation and phone are a must in my job. Without transportation I cannot do my job, so without my car I'm in a huge mess. Not sure how I'm going to get to work this week. My dad is letting me borrow his car tomorrow but he needs it the rest of the week.
4. The $2000 or more cost to get new tires and ball joints is more than I make in a paycheck, and nearly my entire monthly income. I have no savings due to all my previous medical bills and barely getting by since. I've maxed out my credit card due to my car getting towed (a whole other inconvenience and shitty situation that is honestly BS but and can't extend my credit limit due to only having the card since November. I've already taken out a $500 personal loan to get an oil change and my car diagnosed by a shop that I no longer trust and won't ever take my car back to. They tried to screw me over and I caught them and they reluctantly lowered the price back to what it should've been. I don't trust their diagnosis and will be taking it to another shop. Anyway, I asked if I could get more and they would only approve the $500 because I have a short credit history. Doesn't matter I have a good credit score (731). So, no way to pay for these repairs.
5. Things are ending with Noah, and I'm very sad about it. I'll probably be talking with him tomorrow to officially cut things off. He's hoping to leave Utah for work and honestly doesn't seem invested in the relationship, he's prioritizing his career and ambitions. Which is fine and honestly good for him, but I'm more of a backup plan if his other plans fail and I think I deserve better than that. He's already made up his mind that he'd take the job that would require the relationship to end if it's offered to him, so there's honestly no future in our relationship. Even if he stays, I'm not his first pick and I don't blame him for that, and I know we haven't dated for a long time but it's still hard. Just coming to terms with the fact that it's over and I'm really sad. 
6. I found out the detective closed my case on Thursday. The emotions behind that have been hard to deal with. No justice.
7. My brother threatened to kill himself today over text. He's off his meds. And he's been constantly criticizing me and accusing me and my family of not loving him and watching him drown when the exact opposite it true. He told me he doesn't love me anymore and has no respect for me. Twice. Very hard to deal with as well because I do love and care about him so much, but he's so difficult to deal with and so critical of me and won't accept mental help.

I'm about ready to snap. The pressure and the stress about my finances is overwhelming. The sadness about Noah is overwhelming. The hurt from the case being closed is overwhelming. Watching my brother struggle and not being able to do anything for him is overwhelming. Listening to my brother spout of constantly critical and hurtful things to me is overwhelming. All of these are overwhelming enough on their own, and here I am facing all of them at once. It's too much. 

8:08 average. 

I had therapy tonight and it was probably one of the most helpful sessions I've ever had. Right off the bat she could see how stressed I was and asked me to breathe. Then we talked. 

She said I've been through much harder things and I can do this. I have the choice to let the stress overwhelm me and allow myself to spiral, or I can choose to accept and face the difficulties head-on and make choices to combat them. She said this is a really pivotal time in my life and my choices will determine where I go. 

I feel really driven now rather than stressed. I am still stressed. I have no idea what's going to happen with my car and my job (I use my car for my job so no car = no job). I'll find out tomorrow whether or not I qualify for financing through Big o Tires. And that'll tell me what I can do.

But, I've decided what I want to do long-term. My tentative plan, if everything works out, is to go back to SUU in the fall. I'll major in either Exercise Science or Psychology and minor in the other. Then I'll get a masters in SPED. It's an online degree. Or if I feel like doing something different with the bachelors degree I get I can do that. But that's my tentative plan. It feels good to finally have a direction and to have finally made a decision as to what I want to do as a career.

And, I'll admit, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to SUU and Cedar City. Living the college life. An exciting change, something new, and being able to finally finish my degree.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

8:16 average

Things are starting to look up. I qualified for financing at Big O Tires, so they replaced the tires and what actually ended up being the tie rods. A slightly cheaper fix, but still just over $1000. I have a job interview tomorrow for a job I'm hoping to do on the weekends. If I started this weekend, I'd be able to pay off that loan in about a month. If I worked it for 2 months, I'd be able to pay off my other loan and start saving money. I definitely think it'll just be a temporary gig, but it'll help me get through this tough period. In 2 months I can re-evaluate and determine whether or not I want to continue with the job. That is, if I get it. Which I'm thinking I will, so long as I'm able to only work weekends.

I'm also still planning on selling my car, but I'm more confident now that I can sell it for how much I owe on it. With the new tires that's a great plus, and now there are no major issues. A few minor ones, but that's typical of used cars, and easily fixable if the next person so desires. I have someone coming to look at it tomorrow night, and it's got over 200 views on KSL classifieds and some people have added it to their favorite listings. Just hoping I can sell it soon so that I can get into a smaller car better fit for my needs. I just don't need an SUV, as nice as it is to have a ton of room.

Oh and then I found out I was approved for a $10,000 auto loan with a few stipulations, assuming I sell my current vehicle, trade it in or pay it off. So that was a huge relief as well.

It was a great day all things considering. And I got out for a run, which was a big bonus.

8:16 average 

Got hired for a second job today. I'll be working upwards of 56 hours a week with both jobs. 

Busy busy day. Work then group therapy then met up with Noah.

Feeling very conflicted and heartbroken. I'm not okay right now. I know it'll be okay eventually. But that doesn't make this any less hard. We're taking the weekend to think on things and decide whether or not to continue pursuing the relationship. I don't think there's a right answer here.

My biggest fear is that I won't be able to find anyone else as amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, hard-working, fun, and so genuine, straightforward and kind as he is. Just feeling a sense of loss, because even if I choose to continue things there's a very real possibility he's going to get offered a job in either Belgium or GA and have to relocate, and if he gets the Belgium job he'll be traveling so much and be so far away that it's not conducive to a relationship. So he gets that job and we're over. If he gets the GA job it's still possible it could work out, but still maybe not. There's just so much up in the air right now. We don't know if he will get either job, we don't know when he would leave, we don't know how likely it is he'll get either one just that he's still in the running.

I just don't know what to do.