Patience; the new endurance sport.

Got to ski yesterday afternoon and ran into McKenzie getting on the bus to the parking lot at Sundance.  I am so out of shape for skiing.  The snow was perfect, but I try to control my speed to the point that skiing really makes my quads burn and I can only go down the hills in segments.  What happened to the days of taking the whole hill in one fail swoop?  I feel like I'm getting old, and all I can think of is " I hope it doesn't wreck my knees before I get to Boston".  Today I ran outside and it was marvelous to see the blond dry grass shooting above a blanket of fresh snow. I love the fresh snow. It's like a down comforter for the world.  The white and light yellow of the landscape was so pleasant, I just let my eyes rest upon the easy colors and breathed in the fresh, newly cleaned air.  The lake is now frozen solid.  I keep seeing my hawk, but today saw one of the Eagle's that nest somewhere near here.  I was running along, and all of a sudden I heard a sound like maybe a coat falling out of a tree, but when I looked up, there was an eagle flying down his wing span was huge above my head and he was swooping low.  Was I going that slow?  Do I look like prey? He was magnificent.  I've only seen an eagle one other time along the trail in 14 years.  

Had a great New Year's Day spent with Michelle and Marion taking the kids sledding down 'dead man's hil.' by Michelle's house. That was one awesome sledding hill, and the snow was great.  I hadn't seen those guys since the November birthday Soupfest Extravaganza.  It was a fabulous way to start of the New Year. And now I know how to lose at Hearts, and Gin Rummy. I love learning new games to lose.  Catherine texted me to say she had a crazy idea to run by me on today.  So she showed up this morning at 8 and shoved a Utah Grand Slam application into my hands.  What?  She thinks I can run 5 Marathons next year, plus the Boston Marathon?  Who does she think I am, Smooth?  Sorry, there's only one Smooth and it's not me.  But so running out into the gorgeous snowy morning, even arthritic and stiff from the cold, the day was so pleasant by the river and the lake that she had me talked into it.  We can just run for fun, we won't race.  We'll only try to BQ again at St. George (I didn't have the heart to tell her that BQ-ing at the end of the season is a bad idea, but then again, so is running marathons...period).  Am I seriously going to do the grand slam?  The deadline is today.  Can I really run Ogden 3 weeks after Boston?  I havnt run Ogden in three years, I love it and I want to run it, but 3 weeks after Boston?  Maybe I can hire a trainer.....or a sherpa, or get a segway.....

ROTC, Army drills, students, professors, SAHM are out in record numbers at the BYU indoor track.  Wow, we had that place to ourselves until today.  Must be all those New Year resolutions in high gear....

tried to run a few faster miles (8:30's)  it just felt like murder.  Man I'm out of shape....

Ran at the indoor track today.  The army was doing these huge formations on one end of the track and yelling stuff really loud in unison.  It felt scary. Then, there were a smaller group of men in fatigues getting yelled at by two commanding officers, and after getting yelled at the men in formation would have to yell things back.  It would go like this "Why did you do that Private?"  and then they would yell back "I Don't Know, SIR!" then "Never do that again"  and then "I've learned my lesson SIR!".  So every lap brought some new piece of the ongoing conversation which included public humiliation, mental and physical compliance, and retorical questions which can only be answsered by shouting an answer ended by SIR!  I never really thought about the emotional/mental training it takes to form an Army, but it's pretty fierce.  That whole thing will leave me thinking for many hours to come.  We ran 50 feet sprints every lap until my piriformis put an end to our speed games.  That little tiny muscle runs the whole hip/leg game.  It feels like it pulls my leg out of socket.  So I only got in 6 50 foot sprints out of the mileage. It was fun though, Marsha was a sprinter in high school and so she taught me sprinting form.  It is so different from the way I run, it was challenging to change mentality & form.  I'll have to do my strengtheing and stretching so I can do more of that.  It was fun.

Just paid $350 to fix my treadmill.  I celebrated by listening to Eminem's 'One Chance'--which pounds out a perfect 8:30 mile. 

So I read on Smooth's blog that we are 15 weeks from Boston.  Woops.  Better get movin. I've been thinking a lot lately about how some of the toughest people I know are foreingers.  My husband, a foreigner himself, often likes to point out how weak we American's are; emotionally crippled, lazy, with little endurance for discomfort (maybe he's just talking about me :)  But I think it's true in some ways.  We're made tough; to work, to  toil for our bread, and withstand famine when there is none.  When we don't find enough challenge in our lives, we invent ways to use up the extra energy we've needed for millennia to survive--and particularly in cushy middle America. We've all but lost the basic challenge of survival. Either that, or we have striven for so long to find the way to expend the least amount/reserve the most amount of energy needed to stay alive that we've just become lazy.  But what I need to remind myself is that I am made to do hard things, I can withstand hard things, I can overcome hard things--physical, mental, & emotional. I have learned a lot of patience in the past 5 years; a kind of emotional self control and discipline I lacked for so long.  I don't think I'll ever be as calm about living as some of the tough people I admire so much, but I'm getting there.  Running has helped me get there.    

Ran with Catherine and discussed the Grand Slam, not getting into Ogden, but running Utah Valley Marathon, Park City, and St. George.  I'm really feeling put out by the Boston Marathon.  It's kind of wrecking my winter running enjoyment. I did all that work to qualify for Boston last year so I could run it with Catherine.  This is really bumming me out. I've already missed 2 weeks of my regular marathon training schedule and I need to get a couple of 9 milers so I can start building the higher miles/speed again. After regular Saturday a.m running, I spent the rest of the day on the mountain with Michelle. It was a gorgeous day, clear air, pretty good snow quality, warm temps. Michelle has an awesome lime green one piece snow suit, that I say is totally fly and but she doesn't believe me.  Beteween runs, I asked if she would run Boston and she said she's saving herself for Olympic Trials in 2012. If she goes to Boston, she wants to go as an elite.  What would that be like? My lofty goals for Boston include not hurling or passing out before a 5 hour finish. Anyway, we skiied till our legs were trashed.  It was a good day.  I used to consider skiing 'cross-training' in the 'off months'.  You know how tired you get the month before the marathon with all those miles wearing you down?  With Boston on April 19th, those exhausting weeks will come late February/March--prime skiing season.  It's cramping my style.  But I chose this, and I do need to get a move on the miles and get my head into the game. I did set up this week who I'm staying with and who will drive me around.  I have found two more long-time buddies living in Boston.  I'm more excited to see all my friends, and have Smooth show me what to eat in Chinatown than actually run. I know it's a 'whole experience' kind of a thing.  But I still want to be able to do it with some amount of grace.  I've decided to take my long runs by ending on the long uphill inclines up Provo Canyon so I can get those up hill miles toward the end of my 20-24 milers.  Hopefully it will help me triumph over 'heartbreak hill' .  I

 The alarm rings at 5:30 a.m. and I'm in total denial.  But... driving past runners on the street makes me feel like I should pull over to let them in on my little indoor-track secret.  I love the track now and can't believe I've spent all these winters suffering through -7 degrees, dark, icy mornings.  However, you do have to contend with other people who also want to use the track.  But it's not half as bad as going to the gym.  Also, it's fun to pick it up for a lap every 4-5 laps.  It makes 'speed' work more measurable/do-able.  I have no brain for real training.  Which is why I love that Fartlaeking is an actual thing.  As unstructured as Fartlaeking is, I am even more unstructured.  I do things like "I'll run fast where there is no ice on the road" or in the summer "I'll run faster whenever there is shade"--with total disregard to distance, time or V02 capacity.  But races are like that too, if you're unfamiliar with the course.  You have to be ready to jam on the downhill, take advantage of a curve, or settle in on a long hill.  I don't know, all I can say on this -7 degree Monday morning is, I am grateful for the track at BYU.

I tried today to run with music but found it really annoying.  I tossed my player so I could flail my head and arms more freely when I ran my little 100 foot sprints or 1/5 mile.  Marsha is funny, she will come and run with me, but she cheats by overcounting the laps/miles. She's always trying to tell me we went farther than we did (which means she also thinks we've run faster than we have).  It's really wrecked my speed perception and level of endurance.  I was on my own today and everything just felt hard.  Not good.  It didn't help that Josse and her running group were there passing me literally every third lap.  They ran so smooth and fast, and made it look easy, like buttah.  I think the track angle is starting to ear on  my right hip.  Kelli was right, I need to be more careful.  Maybe I should have taken a treadmill day or run outside at lunch.  I walked a bit toward the end with a co-worker who's been coming to the track in the morning. She's survived two bouts of cancer.  She had malignant osteosarcoma cut out of her thigh bone about three years ago and underwent a year of radiation.  She's a fighter, raised on a ranch in Farmington New Mexico in the 1960's. Tough as nails and sweet like honey.  She's a real inspiration, and as slow and labored as my running felt today, everytime I passed her on the track, and could see how much smaller her right thigh was from her left, I realized I'm just a big-fat-baby with a long, long way to go.

I could not drag myself out of bed this morning and so I begrudgingly ran 4 miles on the treadmill after work while my son played Guitar Hero.  I did my millions of sit ups and push ups and stretched forever to compensate for the amount of running I did not do today.  I'm angry because I've wanted to ski and the weather sucks, and I can't get away during the day.  I feel like a pent-up tiger.  Everyone keeps asking me about Boston.  I got in, I registered, I've made my plans, but I can not get my butt in gear to start training.  I'll run 9 with Catherine again on Saturday.  I need to get 10 comfortably down to feel any better.  It seems insurmountable.  Winter is not my running season and it's putting me into a funk.  I think I've got to ditch the warm womb of the BYU track, and start out doing things on my own again.  I'll be sad to lose my regular morning thing with Marsha, but I can't train the way we run together.  I can do long runs with other people, but I can not do my weekday work outs in tandem.  I'm struggling with depression, but unlike most people who get sad, I get angry.  I just feel so restarined by the weather, the air quality, my work schedule, algebra (I'm bad at it), and science fair.  I had to put my cat to sleep last week and it hasn't snowed in over 15 days, and my knee hurts sometimes. Wah, wah, wah.

I am sick of running in circles on the track.  I need some sunlight and fresh air or I am going postal. To spare you my misery I will not post any more words until I either get to run outside, or it snows. 

Oh blessed day, frosty, sunny day, outside in the daylight.  Marion was kind enough to drive from down south and come join me on the river trail for a lovely 5 miler.  She saved my life and always has interesting things to discuss and consider.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect Friday morning.

I know so many amazing people.  I do not know why I am so blessed, but I truly am the luckiest person in the world. My run with Marion yesterday and my 9 miler today with Catherine have changed my life for the better in under 24 hours.  I understand that my mental health requires being outside in the daylight and fresh air, but I also require deep, fulfilling, thought provoking conversations. It's essential.  The weeks started out by trying to take me down, and by Wednesday, I was almost down for the count.  But a little fresh air, some most excellent company, and excersize changed everything. My week ended on a note of renewal and hope.  I am surrounded by the most incredible women of intelligence, saavy, insight, endurance, patience & wisdom.  If I didn't run, I have no idea how I would have access to their brains and time.  Every Saturday for the past few months Catherine and I have been seeing 'my hawk' and talking a bit about what that means for me.  Well today, we saw a bald eagle!  A white headed, fully grown bald eagle, and a younger eagle, nobly perched in a tree.  I've been surrounded recently by owls, hawks, and eagles.  It's strange how they keep appearing again and again until the message is clear to me:  I must draw from and emulate that kind of elegant strength, and claim my bold place in the world.  Those noble birds, the fields of white, the majestic Mt. Timp, the clean winter air.  I am renewed, and it's clear to me now.  I need to write a book.

I set foot on the driveway at 7:00 a.m. thinking it had rained, and instantly I began to slide while my arms did circles above my head for about 5 feet.  I have no idea how I stayed standing.  Every move I made after that caused me to slide further down the slope of the driveway.  What I thought was wet from rain was actually covered by a thin sheet of ice.  I almost had a heart attack.  Determined to run outside on my day off, I truged forward into the sleet frozen onto the road.  I almost ate it about 20 times.  Regardless, I still made my 6 miles, enjoyed the newly cleaned winter air and saw my hawk fly over the snowy fields.  When I got back, it was starting to warm up (40 degrees!) and so I took a pick axe and went after the driveway (bumpy, thick, frozen tundra that has not melted for 3 weeks).  Then afterwards I went into the back yard to dig a hole for the cat to be buried in.  He's been curled up frozen in a box outside in the garage for a week and I have not been able to pick away at the dirt because it's been so frozen.  I dug a little each day for the last week. Finally, today it was warm and deep enough and so we laid Mr. Whiskers to rest next to my beloved black lab who died 4 years ago.  My hands and back were so tired by the time I was through with all of that, that skiing didn't even sound fun anymore.  So I went inside miffed that the day was not going as planned, and procedeed to clean my house in the obessive, OCD kind of way moving all the furniture to vacuum and bleach the baseboards, scrub the grout and thew out half my (and the kids) clothes and took them to DI along with 2 tons of other stuff I've been meaning to get rid of.  All that cleaning however, did not detract from the entire Lego Star Wars collection gathered in my living room.  At least the there's no more cat hair anywhere.

It was Bee-U-Teeful outside this morning.  Those clear blue skies and mild temps had my heart singing.  I was so chipper I gladly greeted the red-nosed, hypothermic tweeker who no doubt spent the night camping somewhere on the trail  "Hello Mr. Drug Addict, gorgeous morning eh?"  Unfortunately, my dog Sarah split one of the pads of her foot a few weeks ago, and so she hasn't been able to run with me.  So it's just me and the dumb blond (retriever) who can go. It doesn't inspire confidence.  Regardless, there was a balmy breeze and plenty of sunshine.  With the cat now buried, and my house 100% cleaner, I was feeling pretty chipper outside in the early morning sun. And after all, you know what's better than a three day weekend?  A four day work week!

I felt good today overall, but it's been tough to push to VO2 capacity the few times I got there.  I did have to really slow down though to catch my breath and get a drink.  My treadmill is sticking again (the rollers). It's scary running fast and then the belt sticks, it sends me flying over the front/top.  I wanted to be outside, but the snow would keep me from going fast (ish). I'm so pleased that it's snowing! Although it's still not enough for my taste--more, I want more, more, more.  I pledge to keep the driveway free of snow this time.  My hands are still so tired and sore from weilding that pick axe on Monday.  I spent a good deal of time hacking away at the frozen dirt and then at the driveway ice.  It still bothers me to button buttons, or type.   

I was thrilled it was snowing big fat flakes when I got to the trail.  The snow was fat and sticky on the trail, my favorite kind to run in.  I took Sara for the first time in 3 weeks since she split her paw and I unbandaged her foot.  She was getting so fat from not running, her back has grown as wide as a small table.  The retreiver got so excited about Sara coming with us that she ran up ahead really fast, and when she stopped suddenly to turn around and come back, she just slid off the trail down the embankment and almost fell into the river.  It was hilarious. She's such an idiot. I loved having the trail to myself today.  It feels impossible and indulgent to have a managemable piece of nature that big, wonderful, and important all to myself for almost an hour.  I miss skiing.  I have not been able to go as much as in years past (it gives me the same kind of enjoyment to be on the mountain in winter). But it is some comfort that while I can't go, the snow is only so-so this year.

Ran the track with Marsha this morning.  I don't mind going to the track once a week.  But every day was too much. I broke it up these past two weeks pretty well.  So today, we took it really easy and talked about her 15 year old son.  I feel so lucky my kids are not quite "there" yet, and for the most part, it has been pleasant to raise and live with them.  But alas, I stand at the precipice with a 13 year old.....Tommorrow, Catherine and I are doing 10.  Going into the double digits is some kind of a mental challenge for me.  I've run 9 two Saturdays in a row, but for some reason 10 makes the marathon training seem really underway.  The great news about today: I just spent the whole morning on the mountain!  I get so edgy if I don't ski, and I was so mad I didn't go on Monday--I was really struggling yesterday by the end of the day (mouthy, sarcastic, overly aggressive). I just had a window open up at 9:00, and so I scambled to out the door, anxious to be near the clouds clinging to the mountaintops.  It was a bit windy, but had just dumped a bit of new snow onto a few of my favorite runs.  It was so exhilerating to lift my arms and let the powder hug my skis in a controlled fall down the mountain.  I only got in a few hours, but it was totally worth it.  The clean air, the mountain view, the new snow.  I did it!   Now it's just back to worky work.

I spent Friday night thinking about the snow falling outside.  It actually kept me awake. 1) because I knew it would be hard to run in at 7 a.m and 2) I wanted to go skiing in it and 3) I had to go to my son's basketball game.  I was going to be on a tight a.m. schedule.  When I got up at 7, Catherine and I texted each other that we'd just make it a treadmill day.  But I went outside anyway and ran 6 outside in the fresh snow.  I was hard, like running in sand--but the temps were mild. Then I came inside and ran another 5 on the treadmill.  I went to my son's game, where his team lost the game 12-30 against a group of boys who were really tall and good players.  It was fun to watch these little boys play like their life depended on it.  It was a good experience for our team to lose and to have to play hard just to lose with some dignity. They learned a lot....  At noon, I was finally able to drive to Sundance.  The canyon was packed because of the film festival.  But the mountain itself was not that crouded.  I had the best afternoon I've had in a long time.  I only got 2 hours on Friday, but today I got 4.  It snowed almost the whole time, and so all my favorite runs were knee deep.  I met an old guy who skiied with me a few runs and absolutely changed my life with a few technique suggestions.  I love old timers. I love their calm wisdom and years of happy skiing experiences.  Skiing is amazing---no one there is having a bad day--No one.  You ride the lift and tell each other funny stories, give each other suggesetions & directions to hidden spots, ask about each other's jobs, kids, childhood's--and no one is unappy in those moments. You could write a book filled with Dickension characters about the people you meet on the ski lift.  It's the most amazing place to be made magical by a the white downy quilt that embraces the mountain and muffles the sound of your skis heading downhill.  I went to bed filled with images of the snow and floating silently down hill.  It was a really, really good day.

I am soooo sore I could barely move this morning.  Sunday was so spectacular with all that fresh snow and sunlight.  Me and the kids took a walk along the river and saw what looked like barefoot footprints for about a mile in the snow.  Upon closer inspection of the footprint (I was worried there was a schizophernic escaped from the mental hospital walking barefooted on the snowy trail) there was a small #3 embedded into the heel of the footprint.  Someone (probably Sasha) ran with Vibrham 5 Fingers in the snow on Saturday. The snow is nice shock absorbtion, but that would be really cold to run in barefooters.  Today, I ran 4 on the indoor track and 2 on the treadmill. The trail and road are frozen slippery tundra.  I am sore from this weekend.  But it was worth it, I got 11 miles in and a full afternoon of skiing. I hope my legs/knees recover by tommorrow.  I need to feel rested by tommorrow though or risk injury. I've been doing my 'speed work' T/Th.  This wintertime training absolutely sucks.  It has been really hard to try and get my traning done before getting kids off to school & work, running in the snow and the dark (or the track and the treadmill).  It's killing me and it's not fun, and I'm not doing my best running. Boston Marathon is going to be 'an experience'.  I hate to go there and run a so-so race.  Normally, I enjoy outdoor winter running.  It's my time to enjoy the landscape and take it easy. But I just can't focus on the training during my kids school year, ski season, and while working full time.  Also, I'm just not that dedicated--so I should just stop complaining.  I'm making a choice not to use all my energy to train.  Last fall, I ammended my work schedule so I could do longer morning work outs prior to St. George.  And now, not only am I NOT doing harder weekday running, I'm still giving extra hours to skiing instead of recovery.  I need to accept my choices and their consequences,  and be at peace with the whole experience.  I am still enjoying running with my friends and skiing, while not neglecting my kids or work.  I simply do not have the energy to 'do it all.' So I'm chosing a higher balanced palate every day, over focusing on the training.  It's obvious by my actions, that Boston is not as important to me as having energy to have a good life with my kids and friends every day.   I've got to be at peace with that, or shut up and do what I know must be done to make Boston a good performance.

I had a lot of interesting thoughts this morning as I ran along in the snow.  My mind was very clear as I made new tracks in the fresh white snow.  I realized a lot of things about the way I live, and how I got to where I am now.  One of the things I pondered was the number of truly inspirational triumphs and struggles I’ve witnessed and learned about through the world of running (which obviously has a much wider life translation….).

FRB’ers and others have helped changed the way I think about what is possible and how much I can withstand—now and in the future. Thank you for the inspiration.  Your words have given me strength and inspiration for a long time to come:

Marion: When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you as though it seems you cannot hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time the tide will turn./ I can do hard things

Josse: I can, can, can!/Free Float Fly!

Smooth: You are hard and strong like diamonds and titanium/ No one ever died because of the pain of running.

Michelle:  My goal is to vomit, or at least dry heave. Then I will know I have given my all.

Bonnie:  Did I mention how much it hurt?

Lance Armstrong:  Pain is temporary, quitting is forever.

Sasha: Become a Lover of Truth. In order to know where to go, you need to have a clear vision of where you are and why you are there.

Duane:  The difference between the great and the mediocre, is that the great try a little harder, for a little longer.

Luz:   There are no excuses today/I am not afraid to be my best.

You know what will really cut your time?  Run when it's getting really dark on the rivertrail.  When a hawk flys overhead in the dusk, and screetches just above you,  it means hurry home the boogie man is coming.   I wish I had my Garmin.  I'll bet I made some good time. 

1. Wear less clothing on your torso, and more on your bum.

2. Low, mysterious fog along the river reminds me of New England, but it's creepy because you can't see where your dogs went.

3.  When a police car stops you at the trailhead by the lake to ask how long you've been around that area and if you saw 2 men either walking the trail or camping in their 2002 Mazda-- silently thank your gardian hawk from the day before. 

 8:45/8:46/9:28/9:24/9:37/8:40/8:47

I miss my treadmill.  It was such a comfortable back up plan on the days I could not make it outside....I had it fixed (temporarily), but have been waiting for new rollers and a belt.  It has over 5,000 miles on it.  The technician fixed what he could last time and told me I could use it as long as I kept the incline above 3.5 (to austensibly keep the belt away from the rollers). but it still grabs and turns off inexplicably mid-run.  I can't wait until the rollers and the belt come in (any day now).  Using the track has been ok, but mentally it's worse than the treadmill.  Hopefully I can nail 12 tommorrow and average something under a 10 m/m.  I'll just feel better overall when 13 comes easily--but I'm not looking forward to the fatigue of those 20+ mile weekend runs.  I am however, looking forward to Moab Half--I've never 'raced' it.  It's usually the first run of my season-- sort of a kick off 'fun run' that I plan with my sister.  She comes with a group of friends from DC to run it (and hike arches, etc).  I made pretty good time last year, but I wasn't even trying super hard.  It will be interesting how well I can do it this year--it's a month almost to the day before Boston.  Hobble Creek was about a month before St. George, and that was a great way to prepare to run fast at SGM.  I need to get more speed work & miles in these next two months before I feel mentally prepared to take on the idea of Boston.  I've been working toward it, and am doing much better (running a few faster miles during the week/sprints, getting 40 miles/week and getting in my long runs).  Better anyway than 3 weeks ago.  So there's that. It's a process both mental and physical. 

8:39/8:49/8:46/9:16/9:07/9:12/10:12/9:24/9:33/10:01/9:29/10:44/10:16

See how brave I was for the first 6 miles while I ran with Catherine? (She keeps me young & fast-er).  We averaged well in that first half, and then she left me. The remaining 7 splits are all mine. I am really ashamed of all those 10's. But I did run 13 miles (finally), and am at least getting on top of the mileage. We ran into Sarah early into the run, and Sasha & Jeff later on.  Saw my hawks down by the lake.  It was a sunny beautiful morning, and so there were lots of people out. We ran by a couple of ladies with fuel belts on, and slowed down to ask what they were training for and they said "Surf City Marathon (Newport Beach, CA) -- next Saturday!"  We congratulated and wished them luck.  Then they asked us what we were training for, and Catherine pointed to me and said "Boston" and I pointed to Catherine and said "Utah Grand Slam".  They laides threw up their arms and clapped and cheered as we passed.  It made us feel like 'real runners' for a second.'  Saying it out loud makes it more real. Those 10's were a little indicitive of my state of mind right now, but at lest the whole run averaged 9:29.  If I can stay healthy/uninjured, I'll get there. It takes time, and fast running.