Sock tans

So today I had a neurology appointment to follow up with my primary neurologist. He recommended speech therapy to help with my memory issues, so I will be starting that soon. We also decided to go through with an MRI, with scans specifically around the hippocampus (memory center).

As for running, I really am struggling to get myself out the door. Idk why, I have low motivation to go I guess. I sometimes dread it. Which isn't where I want to be with running. I miss the days when running was what I looked forward to. For now I guess I'm in a funk.

I seriously debated whether or not I should go running. I really didn't want to. But I forced myself out the door. 

It ended up being really good for me. I forgot how therapeutic it can be. I was able to run through my thoughts and zone out enough that I passed the 2 mile mark and didn't realize it, so I just kept going on the full loop.

I had therapy today and my therapist told me she was proud of me for being stable for 8 months and of how well I'm doing. I haven't had any major suicidal symptoms in that time, I've been pretty stable in that regard. My moods have still been shifting but I'm getting better at managing it by recognizing patterns and triggers and adjusting accordingly. It was really nice to hear her say that because sometimes I feel like I'm just on the struggle bus all day every day and it's hard to see my progress. Sometimes I get discouraged, but she tells me that for someone with bipolar disorder I'm doing really well. For example, even though I've jumped from job to job as is common for those with bipolar disorder, I've always left on good terms. A lot of bipolar patients say "screw this I'm done" and burn bridges, but I never have. I also don't go on huge spending sprees while manic, some spend thousands of dollars. My spending sprees are 120 dollars at the most, and that rarely happens. Well it just happened over Black Friday but you know. There were tons of deals! Lol. Anyways, I can also work full-time which is something that not everyone with bipolar disorder can do. Some can't work at all because of it. So really, I'm thankful that my bipolar disorder isn't as bad as it could be. 

The President of SUU sent out an email for finals week to students, then also shared it to Facebook. He shared his experience with going for a morning run and some lessons to be learned from it. I found it very relevant to my predicament of low motivation for running.

Some of the wisdom shared: "If I put on sufficient layers to feel good when I first step outside and start running I know I will be overheating in less than a mile. So, in order to be comfortable along a 90-minute run I have to be uncomfortable for the first three or four minutes. ... Getting started is always the most difficult part of the project- the first 3 or 4 minutes. Nothing feels better than sticking with a task until it is completed. Don't deny yourself that feeling by quitting too early.

"How do we talk ourselves into getting started if we don't want to? Well, I usually don't want to go running in the morning. So, I don't think about it. I just go through the motions to get ready. I put on my running clothes, eat a snack, get a drink, follow a pattern, and eventually I find myself outside. It's cold, so I start running to warm up. I work from easy and don't think about hard. Eventually the hard becomes easy with momentum and the force of habit.

"How do we keep going once we've started? I ususally don't think about how long or hard the run will be. That can cause me to feel overwhelmed and tired before I even get going. I just think about starting an easy run. I trick my mind into assuming I'll just go a little ways, and then, as Robert Frost wrote, "way leads on to way." 

"Congratulations for making it this far. Consider how much you have been able to do, albeit less than perfectly, and take confidence from where you are to keep moving forward."

He of course related it to schoolwork and had a few more things to say, but that was the part that felt relevant.

A lot of the principles I already know, I just needed to be reminded. I think that the go through the motions and get going bit is great advice- it's a lot easier to go for a run when you're already getting ready for it than when you haven't even started. It's the getting started bit that I'm having difficulty with most.

I've had this newfound understanding that I am in charge of my own health. As I was thinking about what one of the neurologists said regarding my depression and memory loss, I realized that I do have some control over my health. When you have a diagnosis that will stick with you for your whole life that indicates illness rather than health, it's hard to believe that you will ever be truly healthy. But as I was running today I realized that I have the choice to be healthy by actively doing things that will improve my health, such as running. It's in the small things. I could choose not to take my meds which would trigger a deep dive into depression, which could potentially end in suicide. Or I could choose not to even take that risk and take my medication every day religiously. I could also do other things to help improve my health like running, going to therapy, practicing mindfulness, and practicing other strategies learned in therapy like wise mind. 

Remembering what my therapist said on Wednesday, I am encouraged by the progress I have made. But I do realize that I still have a ways to go before I'd say I'm a master of my own health.

I notice that it's the little things that get abandoned first when a deep depressive episode starts. Things like brushing my teeth and doing laundry promptly rather than waiting until I'm desperate for clothes. Then it progresses to not showering, then to not eating. And all of these behaviors have one thing in common: I don't care enough about myself to take care of myself. And so, over the next month I'm going to ask myself the question: "Is this taking care of myself?" before I make a decision, start to do something, or neglect doing something. I know I can work on maintaining my own health, which I think most people don't have to think twice about but for me it's something I have to take extra care to do.