Sock tans

Sorry it's been a week... lol.

So I had to add back the lithium because I kinda tanked. So we started that back up last night, it should take a few days for it to take full effect. 

I'm getting mixed signals about how long I'll be here, my therapist said I have authorization until the 23rd from my insurance then they'll do another evaluation to see if I can stay longer. But my case manager said she had put in my discharge date as the 15th. So not sure which it is, I'm guessing the 23rd one is more accurate but I'm not sure. That's just a long time to be here hahaha

After this I'll be going to IOP. Hopefully back at Salt Lake Behavioral Health like I was at before. 

Went running in the evening, I was struggling mentally and needed to get out running so I did. It's been a hard week. I did some really hard, but I'll admit courageous things this week. My left hip was randomly hurting to walk but running it felt fine so... weird  

Today I experienced the most intense cravings/impulses to drink alcohol. I got up and came back to PHP as soon as they got really strong, but damn. I think that's a sign I should never drink alcohol again, because I don't know when to stop drinking once I get started. And my suicide plan surrounded overdosing on alcohol and my meds, so I should probably be really really careful about that. It's just hard when you crave it. 

8:44 average

All of today was another struggle mentally. I don't know what it is. I'm just depressed because I don't see there ever being a time when I don't struggle. Bipolar disorder never "goes away." For me, it's always going to be a fight. And I'm just so tired. So tired of trying, of fighting, of pushing off the inevitable. It's just so hard.

People say "please stay" or "choose to stay" as if it's that easy not to think about or attempt suicide. It's not. It's really not. I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for 4 years and depressed for years before that. And it's not getting any better. I've tried more medications than I can remember, I've tried ECT, I've tried in-patient hospitals, I've tried therapy, I've tried residential treatment, I'm in a partial hospitalization program, I've tried an intensive outpatient program, and it's always come back. And sometimes, I don't think it's something that the right medication or the right treatment can fix. I've spent thousands of dollars on treatments and I'm. Still. Struggling. I've chosen to "stay" many many MANY times. But I'm just so tired of fighting this battle. 

My biggest dream in life has always been to become a mother. But do you really think I could ever be a good enough mom if I continue to struggle as I have over the years? Could I really be a good enough wife? I honestly believe that someday, even if it's not soon, I will die by suicide. And when that happens, I will have let down far more people than I would if I just committed suicide tomorrow. Not to mention, if I have kids, I'm more than likely going to pass down my disease on to them.

Anyways, I know that my death would hurt the people close to me. I know that. But I'm damned if I commit suicide, and damned if I don't. Sure, me "choosing to stay" hurts less people, but for once I'm tired of thinking about everyone else. I'm hurting. How is it fair to euthanize old people to put them out of their misery but blame someone for committing suicide when they've been suffering for so long?

Anyways. I know this is depressing but at this point I don't really care. I don't care about much of anything these days. 

I'm probably going to talk to the on-call therapist tonight about some of these thoughts. If I can get through tomorrow, I think I will be okay. But I'm nervous about tomorrow.