Sock tans

Wasatch extended

Found out that two of my uncles will be running the St. George marathon too!

Wasatch loop

I've decided to stay in Salt Lake for the next semester so that I can continue to work on my health. I'll continue working full-time mostly to pay off my medical bills so that I'm not in so much debt. I will re-evaluate as it gets closer to January and decide if I will start school back up then or if I'll take a full year off.

This has been a hard decision to make, but I hope it's finally the right one.

As an update: For any who don't know, I was hospitalized in March for severe suicidal ideation. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and had been experiencing a mixed episode of hypomania and depression- which meant a combination of suicidal ideation and impulsivity. To be honest, it's really lucky I didn't attempt. I came close to it 3 times, wrote a suicide note, had been self-harming, and didn't want any professional help even though I knew not receiving any was a death sentence.

My boyfriend called my parents because he was scared I was going to attempt that very night. They drove up to Rexburg without me knowing and that night moved me out of my apartment and took me to UNI in Salt Lake.

We broke up a week later- particularly difficult because he'd all but proposed- I had tried on the ring and it wasn't a matter of if but when

Oh, and the COVID-19 chaos. That's been fun.

It really has taken all of me to fight for a reason to live.

So, what they don't tell you about depression and suicidal ideation is it doesn't just "go away." The hospital is only the beginning of recovery. And there's always the very real possibility that you could slip back. This year is a prime example of that for me (I was also hospitalized last year around the same time for the same reasons).

Much of it is finding the right medication. I've been adjusting medications ever since I've been out of the hospital, hoping to find that sweet spot. I added another one just barely, in fact, because I'm still alternating between hypomania and depression. Right now I'm in a depressive episode. A couple weeks ago it was hypomania, during which I impulsively signed a contract that I'm now trying to get out of. Just one of the downfalls of being bipolar- I'm still trying to learn how and when to hold myself back from impulsive decisions. It's very hard to do when you're manic.

I took a screening last week with my therapist, which said that I was moderately depressed. So definite improvement from a few months ago, but not quite to where we want it.

I've been working through a trauma from circa 2015 with my therapist, which may have triggered the switch from hypomania to depression. She told me that traumas can cause suicidal ideation on their own, not just mental illnesses, and she believes I've been carrying it around all these years. The trauma therapy seems to be helping. I've thought about sharing what happened, but 1) I don't think people care and 2) sharing it seems frightening because it's pretty damaging information for those who know the person.

Anyways, long (kinda heavy) explanation for an update, but things are looking up.

Foothill to Wasatch out and back. Didn't feel stellar, right off the bat my legs were heavy but I convinced myself I'd feel better a couple miles in. That was kind of true, 5 miles in I felt decent. 6 miles in I was suuuper hungry and thought maybe I should've eaten something more sustainable than toast before I left. 12 miles and boy it was getting hard. My legs felt like weights. The last 4 miles hurt and at that point it was just trying to finish, but also get home before 8 am because I had an appointment. I finished 10 miles before the sun even rose :)

My pace was much slower than last week, but I'm still happy with it. I averaged 8:32. This is the longest run I've ever done all at once. Hopefully next week's long run will feel a lot better.

Half marathon split: 1:52:08

Rest (it was unintentional, just procrastinated running until after work then after work I was exhausted and dreading it so I just didn't go running)

Wasatch. Wishing I'd have gone farther, I was short on time.

2 miles warmup, stretches and 3 strides. 8x 400m with 200m recovery, which meant switching start lines. The wind was quite strong, so it shifted whether I'd start out or end against the wind. It was also 93 degrees. Better than in the 100s, my first thought when I got off work was huh, it's not unbearably hot.

My goal was to hit them at 90 seconds. I wanted to be realistic with my goal. I'm not in the same shape I was in while I was running for SUU, so I didn't want to get disheartened by hoping to hit 82s like I used to be able to tick off like nothing and then really struggle to do so, probably not even being able to. 90s felt reasonable, like that was my new "tick off like nothing" pace. I was even apprehensive about that being the case to be perfectly honest.

I was pleasantly surprised with what I ended up running. 85, 87, 84, 87, 86, 86, 86, 83. Averages out to 85.5.

I know that I'm training for a marathon and speed doesn't really matter. I don't really know why I chose 400s, I don't think they'll help much training wise. I just wanted to do them haha.

I really need to come up with some sort of training plan to follow. It's a lot harder to train by yourself than it is with a group of other people.

2 miles cool down