Sock tans

Well, another update. This time not so fun.

My mental health got out of control again, so Wednesday night my brother came to see me at my apartment and after talking with him for a while I made the decision to seek help. I called Huntsman Mental Health Institute on our way there, they said they didn't have any beds available and to go to the ER. So my brother took me to University Hospital's ER. At about 4am they told me they had a bed available at HMHI after all. So another half hour and my brother took me over there (about a 5 minute drive). 

I was feeling very hopeless, much more so than in the past. I still feel kind of hopeless if I'm being honest. But I was more intent on attempting suicide than I have been before. I wrote a suicide note, I went out and bought the alcohol I intended to overdose on and started drinking it. If my brother hadn't come, I would have had the whole bottle, or as much as I could drink before I passed out. Luckily I hadn't had too much, I'd barely started drinking when he came over around 9pm and I stopped drinking once he was there. At 3am my BAC was measured at 0.06, so not very high. Which was good because if it was higher I'd have had to stay in the ER longer until it dropped and they could assess me again while mostly sober.

I seemed to have mini withrawals from the alcohol, shaky hands, high anxiety and nausea. Which I was surprised about, I didn't think I'd already become dependent on alcohol. I still feel like I haven't drank enough for that, but alas.

All in all, I'm pretty depressed and don't know how long I'll be here. My doctor is hesitant to give me lithium anymore because that was my other suicide plan, to overdose on lithium. So I'm not looking forward to starting a new medication.

I was kind of bugged that he would even suggest latuda when I just got done explaining to him that financially I was not okay. Latuda is EXPENSIVE. I know, because I've been on it before. Ugh. But it's okay. I also got very passionate about him not putting me on Lamictal, that's the one that gave me severe hand tremors and I stopped taking then got suicidal and landed in the hospital again. Not going down that road. Not sure what he's going to put me on. I'm just difficult. Haha

Update: The doctor wants to start up lithium after all. So I'm going to start that back up tonight. I asked about ECT and Ketamine and they said no to ECT because of a recent trauma and Ketamine is outpatient apparently so that may be an option when I get out of the hospital. I'm more bugged about that than I should be. It's literally the same old thing over and over again. But it's whatever. I just need to be more consistent with my medications.

So since it's the weekend things are pretty relaxed around here, which makes it pretty boring honestly. But it's alright.

I've been able to give it some thought, and I'm starting to feel well enough to where I can recognize the danger I was in before I came here, and maybe feel something about it. Where before I honestly didn't care. I've had a few gut-punching moments where I realized how close I was to pushing myself too far and ending it all. Which is honestly a scary realization when you start to get out of the suicidal mindset and reset back to stability. It's interesting how much your thought processes change when you start feeling better and more stable.

I mostly feel bad because I'm not able to text people back while I'm here, I don't have access to my phone. I know there are a couple people trying to get in contact with me and I'm unable to respond (I briefly got permission to look at my texts, long story. Basically looking to see if my boss had replied to me, I'm worried about keeping my job after having had so much time off for hospitalizations and sicknesses. Still trying to figure out if they can fire me for that).

The doctors here have noted that I've had a blunted, flat, depressed, and anxious affect over the last couple of days, but today noted that I had a neutral affect. So improvement I think? We'll see if it lasts.

They noted that it's estimated I'll be here 7-10 days.