Sock tans

7:43 average

I ended up getting a second job and started this past weekend. I'm working every day of the week, which is a lot. 56 hours a week. I only plan to have it until I can pay off my personal loan, my car repair loan, and my credit card. So probably for 2ish months.

I'm not really wanting the second job but desperate times call for desperate measures amiright? I can deal with having it two days a week.

I'm thinking I'm going to focus on bettering myself for the next couple months. Financially through the second job, physically through running, and emotionally through therapy and meds.

I was really struggling yesterday, a little bit of a depression going on but nothing near what I've experienced before. My therapist thinks my crisis yesterday was not anything bipolar related, but rather trauma related. I've had many triggers. I'd rather not say what they were, but it has been a tough month. And it probably just became a lot for me to handle, so my thoughts went to dark places and had a mini existential crisis. 

The good thing that came from therapy is that my therapist has said I've made a complete 180 degree switch ever since I started doing ketamine. So crazy how much of a difference it's made. 

I had a good discussion with my dad tonight about many things, and then my mom as well, and I just have a lot to think about.

I came up with a plan last week, that I'm pretty excited about. But I'm still going to mull it over because my dad says he thinks it's an impulsive decision, but I disagree. I think it's a great idea. But of course I will weigh what anyone has to say. 

My plan is to go back to school either in the fall or spring 24. I'm hoping for fall honestly but we'll see what life brings. I'll major in either psychology or exercise science and make the other my minor. Then I'll pursue a Master's degree depending on which major I chose and what I've decided I want to do for a career. I've at least narrowed it down to those two fields, lol. And if I decided, I could get my masters in SPED (no prerequisites required), which opens up a whole other career path. 

My dad's not too gung ho on the idea. But I think it's a great idea, and doable with FAFSA grants and student loans. But it's just kind of a wait and see what life brings kind of deal. 

This week has been... a lot. But, here's an update:

I had to reapply to SUU because it's been 2 years since I've attended and I guess if you take a break longer than 2 semesters they now require you to reapply. Kinda dumb but it's whatever. I got my financial aid award letter today, and the award I got makes it very doable to go back to SUU. Got everything- Pell grant, subsidized loan, unsubsidized loan, work study. A little less than I was offered for the 22-23 year, but still a good amount. I was accepted and then ran into the problem of being assigned the online campus so I was unable to register for campus classes. Got that fixed and it was processed in a day. So now I'm finally registered for classes. Ran into another problem where they're not recognizing that I completed exercise physiology which is a prerequisite for other classes. Just frustrating, I'll call on Monday to see if they can fix that. If not I might have to retake it. When I took it it was considered a physical education course, now it's considered a kinesiology course which I think is why the system isn't recognizing it. Ugh. Anyway, just wanted to reserve my spot in classes before they're all full. A lot of them are already. But I have a solid schedule, and I can always unregister if I decide not to go. But I'm thinking I will go. I really want to.

My brother is in a crisis. I was with him tonight we had an argument and he escalated out of control got violent and I kicked him out of my car threatening to call 911 because I was scared. I made it home just in time for the panic attack to set in. He needs hospitalization like now. But after tonight I'm done. I've gone above and beyond to help him. But there comes a point where if someone doesn't want to accept help they need or won't help themselves there's not much you can do. My dad is informed and I've turned everything over to him because my brother will only listen to him honestly. And for my own safety I can't be involved anymore.