Sock tans

24/7 supervision has come to an end :) So I finally got to go running by myself wherever I wanted. It was sooo nice and felt so good. I’m still terribly out of shape, but it’s amazing how much better running feels after my ECT appointments, even despite being physically less fit. I’m excited for what this means for running in the future. Maybe my depression is what’s been holding me back all this time, and why I haven’t “adapted” to coach’s program like all the rest of my teammates. I still haven’t gotten much faster from high school. It’s been discouraging because coach told me a while ago I have him scratching his head wondering what to do with me because I am not adjusting like my teammates. My high school times were faster than some of my teammates, and yet I’m the slowest on the team. Anyways, I’m just excited because maybe this means I’ll actually start making major improvements. I remember talking with one of my teammates who also emergency withdrew from this semester because of depression while I was still in Cedar (so before all this happened) and we got to talking about running/depression and she exclaimed, “it’s like I can’t run through pain!” I was really surprised. She’s the one I was neck and neck with in high school that has now blown me out of the water lol. She’s so fast. I never really gave that much thought because I’ve been struggling with depression since my freshman year here and I’ve pushed through pain in workouts, the only way to get through effort weeks is to push through pain, so I thought nah that’s not really what I’ve experienced, but maybe it actually is... maybe that’s why I’m not improving. Maybe I haven’t been able to push through pain as well as I used to, because I have been severely depressed. I guess we’ll find out next fall :)

VA loop, 7:50 average.

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We met with one of the doctors tonight, it was very informative. Takeaways are that I’m done (for the time being) with ECT, I’m supposed to go back in 3 weeks to check in on how I’m doing. I had 7 ECT treatments, the normal is 10-12 but sometimes they go up to 14. If I seem to dip back down in the next couple weeks they may schedule another treatment and re-evaluate. But for now I’m done with ECT. I will start taking another medication by the end of the week, I’m not used to having to take so many different medications. But all of them have their different purposes.

My mom says I should start journaling so I can have a record of my mood/symptoms. That’s probably a good idea, but I’m terrible at keeping paper journals. Maybe I’ll just keep track on here as well, at least for a little while to reference while I need to evaluate how my medications/treatments are working. Y’all could probably care less, but it’ll be good to have for my own record.

Today’s mood/symptoms: I’m a 7. Very forgetful. I had memory issues (normal side effect of ECT, though the doctor did say my memory loss is more severe than normal). I can’t seem to think very hard - my mind goes kinda blank after too much effort. And sometimes when I try to remember things it’s like that part of my brain just can’t be accessed at all or is missing. I’m met with nothing and my brain shuts off - I can’t keep thinking or trying to remember for very long. But overall my mood is good and lighter. I’m extremely less anxious than I’m accustomed to. Very tired today. I also had very strange dizzy/head warpy symptoms throughout the day, hard to describe.

Today I started on Wasatch loop intending to do 6 miles. I got 1.25 in and my IT band was tight and I was getting some knee pain. I stopped and tried to massage out my IT band, it helped me to run without too much pain for a little bit, then I decided to turn at 2 miles because I didn’t think I could make it the full 6. Stopped a couple more times to massage again, it made it bearable to run. But now I’m nervous because I bruised my leg massaging it (go me) and my knee has sharp pain with different things. My foam roller is in Cedar so that blows. Idk what to do. Maybe I’ll try to make a makeshift roller or something. Stinking IT band. 

7:50 average. 

I talked a long time with my mom tonight and one of the things that she said that surprised me (I didn’t know) was that I was diagnosed with mild depression in high school, but my running helped me manage it. I remember my dad asking me if I was depressed (a lot a lot) and me being a teenager that didn’t want anything to be wrong with me I got mad at him a lot for asking and insisted that I wasn’t. I guess I convinced myself I was fine, enough to block out the memory of being diagnosed with mild depression... cause I don’t remember that lol.

Anyways, my mom said that with hormonal changes and stress from college (and other things) it probably pushed my depression over the edge and running no longer was enough to manage it. I was (self reported in hindsight) moderately depressed my freshman year, then left on my mission and two or three months in I was diagnosed with severe depression. A few months later I came home early because I could hardly get out of bed it was so bad. And now this, about 2 years later. I’m grateful to have finally found something that works. My mom says I’ll likely have relapses back into depression, but that now I’ll be able to better manage it with medication, a great therapist I already met with once in Cedar that I like, with running and, if it comes to it, more ECT treatments.

Next doctors appointment is in 3 weeks to get blood drawn and check for toxicity from my medications. I’ll be monitored like this and have a doctors appointment once a month when I go back to Cedar to make sure things are still good.

Today’s mood level was a 7 or 8. Only had that weird dizzy feeling twice today, as compared with 30+ yesterday. So hopefully I’ll have none tomorrow? Memory did better today, but still struggled on a few things. I also still get surprised with how much lighter I feel. I felt like a zombie the last few months in Cedar, but now I’m back to my old self, being more chatty and joking and upbeat than I have been in I don’t know how long. 

I found a metal water bottle and used it as a makeshift roller and rolled out my IT band, which helped ease my knee pain. I’m probably going to have a bruise for a while, lol. Didn’t feel too great to roll out but in the end it was worth it. 

Started with Wasatch loop intending to do the shorter loop, but decided to go a slower pace to see if I could go farther like Sasha suggested :) I was surprised at how good I felt, going slow is so much nicer haha. Maybe for the next little bit I won’t worry about pace and just run, then once I’ve built up enough of a base I can start bringing my pace down.

I decided to go the longer loop because I felt good enough. I was surprised that my knee/IT band didn’t give me any issues, but I’m grateful for it :) it tired me out to go longer, but that’s good. 8 miles, 7:58 average. I was surprised it was under 8:00 pace. Also it was snowing and it’s April? What is this Utah weather?

I got a call from SUU saying my withdrawal has been completed and they asked, since I went to the hospital and my doctor has recommended I withdraw, if I wanted to emergency withdraw which will make it so it’s as if I never enrolled in this semester and take all the W’s off my transcript. I was confused why they didn’t know that was what I wanted in the first place, but I’m glad it’s all going to work out. Now I just have to do a bunch of paperwork to get it processed and have it finalized. 

Mood’s an 8

I was exhausted today. I wanted to cut it short at 4, but I forced myself to go farther. I did VA loop and dropped to the cemetery. When I got home, I didn’t have the willpower to finish to 6. I know I was just a quarter mile short, but I was so tired. 8:00 average. 

My mood’s a 7 today. 

I did Wasatch loop but cut it a little short. 7:48 average. I was really tired. I also still feel a need to watch my pace, but I should probably let that go for the time being and just focus on miles. But I’m really tired. I prefer this sleepy tired to the depressed tired, though.

My mood’s a 6. I’m not sure if being super tired is from not getting enough sleep or if it’s from my medications. I think it’s the latter, but we’ll see if it continues. 7 hours of sleep is still decent, right? The doctor put me back on Lithium last week and upped the dose from what Dixie had put me on. He said that the dose I was prescribed at Dixie was the smallest dose you could get and would have done hardly anything to help. He said Lithium can cause fatigue so I should watch out for that and we’d re-evaluate at our next appointment. If my tiredness doesn’t go away, it’s probably the Lithium and I’ll tell my doctor when we next meet.

Ran to Sugarhouse, a couple laps around then back home. 8:09 average, felt really slow but I was exhausted. It’s gotta be my medication because I shouldn’t be this tired. I went to bed at 7 last night intending to just take an hour long nap because I was really, really tired and Olivia had invited me over for a movie night at 8, but I accidentally slept until 10:30. Then I felt really, really bad (I slept through the alarm I’d set!), but it’s ok we’re going to do something today. Anyways, then I had a bowl of cereal because I hadn’t had dinner (lol) and went back to bed. Didn’t fall asleep until around midnight but slept until 10am and only woke up because my sister Hattie came and woke me up because she wanted me to try the crepes she made. Haha I love her. Anyways, I’m still really tired and want to take a nap but I probably shouldn’t. 

Mood’s a 6 or 7.