It's been a hard week. Very stressed, very sad, very worried, very overwhelmed.
Stressed because finances are very tight, struggling to make ends meet.
Sad because there's a good chance Noah will be offered and take a job that will take him either to Belgium or somewhere else in the U.S. There's a chance he won't, but we'll know for certain in the next 2 months.
Worried because my brother could be homeless and on the streets any day now and there's nothing I can do to help him. He's living out of his car that will be repossessed as soon as the tow company finds his car. He's also very manic and refuses mental help, so I worry for his mental state.
Overwhelmed because I'm not making enough money to cover all my expenses and all my needs. But this is the highest paying job I qualify for that doesn't completely suck. Cost of living in Utah is $43k-$66k. I make 38k. So I have to reconsider everything. Might have to go back to school because this just isn't working. Choosing between therapy and food just isn't working for me.
Can tell I'm getting depressed because I'm not wanting to go to work or do anything, even though I desperately need money. Don't know if it's the snowy weather, don't know if it's the stress, don't know if it's the chance of Noah leaving, don't know if my meds and ketamine aren't working, or could be all of it.
Well, things got worse as the day progressed. My check engine light came on in my car today, meaning I have little to no chance at selling it until I get it fixed. Better to just trade it in, which means I seriously lost money.
I also found out my case at the SLCPD was closed. I half expected this outcome, but it was still a gut punch. Our justice system sucks. The special victims detective himself said that if I hadn't been so strong and had allowed it to happen it would have progressed to sexual abuse. I also believe that 100%. It honestly would've happened had my parents not found out about what was going on. Once they found out, I discovered I could push back and didn't have to go along with things. So I started resisting. Until that point, I felt like I had to endure it in order to get what I wanted- which was guidance and coaching so I could perform well in my sport. That's why I wanted to report it- to help protect other girls who don't know they can resist. It's almost sad in a way, because this experience was traumatic enough to cause me significant distress and anxiety and require a lot of therapy, but it wasn't extreme enough to get the justice I deserve.
Hard day.
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