Physical therapy this morning.
Hard night tonight. Currently watching my twin exhibit self-destructive behaviors. He's homeless, living out of his car currently. His car just got signed over to a repossession company yesterday, so as soon as they find his car it'll get towed and he'll have absolutely nothing. He hasn't had a job for 7 months and has refused to work. He has severe mental health issues and in my opinion, and from what I've described to my therapist she agrees with my opinion, he is in need of serious mental help like an inpatient stay. I've brought it up to him, my dad has also brought it up to him, but he refuses to go.
It's incredibly frustrating because he doesn't recognize the help that me and my dad have given him. Especially my dad. He's done so much to help him. But my brother just doesn't see it, or doesn't appreciate it.
Honestly, it was a very tough night. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I met up with my brother and saw the full extent of his situation, and he doesn't recognize how serious it is. He decides to smoke and try not to think about his problems rather than come up with solutions. It was heartbreaking. I helped him out with getting access to his W-2 so he can file his taxes (actually my dad is going to do it for him). It was like he didn't even know where to start with that. I honestly felt like I was back at work helping a client. Which is sad, because he's just far enough above the cutoff for disability help. He's just smart enough and capable enough to where he doesn't qualify, but he obviously needs the help.
I eventually came to the conclusion that I can't watch him destroy his life. He has every right to do whatever he wants with it, it is his life after all. But I also need to take care of my own mental health, and watching him creep closer to death every day (either through starvation, hypothermia, or death by suicide) is too much for me to handle. I can't bear it. So I need to take a step back. I decided to put up the boundary that I can no longer provide him with food (I've been trying to help him where I can, but I realized feeding him will only delay the inevitable- I'm fighting a losing battle. The only person that can truly help him is himsef). I also established the boundary that the only help I can offer him is to take him to UNI. I told him he can reach out to me if he wants my help taking him inpatient, but otherwise, I can't be a part of his life until he decides to start helping himself.
It was very difficult to do. I'm grieving. I know that there's a real possibility tonight was the last night I'll ever see my twin. Unless he decides to step up and turn his life around, at which point I will happily try to help him the best I know how. But I have done my best. And I'm incredibly sad, but I know this is the best thing I could do for myself. I need to take care of myself, too, I can't get so lost in taking care of others that I forget to take care of myself. And my mental health is important, too.
Tough night. Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated, I'm incredibly sad tonight at the thought of potentially losing my brother. I know we're not there yet, but it is a possibility, and for now I choose to feel my emotions and be sad and scared about it. For the past few months I've been trying to distract myself and try not to think about it, but now I need to face it and feel it, and damn it's the hardest thing in the world to watch someone deteriorate and destroy everything they had going for them.
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