Sock tans

Couldn’t sleep at all last night. At 5:30 I decided it was “morning” and went for a run. It was actually nice and peaceful. 7:34 average.

I finally fell asleep around 11:45 after class (I was able to go today so that’s an accomplishment) I slept until 3:15. Weights was at 4 and I really didn’t want to go, I was so tired and just wanted to keep sleeping. But eventually I convinced myself to get up and go. Coach I said to gauge how fatigued we were and decide how many sets we do (3-5), I was very much fatigued so I did 3. He had a whole speech about being fatigued and how he knows sometimes it’s pure willpower to get up and go running/work out, I was thinking man you have no idea lol. It was a nice stress relief. Game readied my knee after because it was hurting. 

My depression has been taking its toll, that’s for sure. I’ve alternated between hypersomnia and insomnia, I’ve also alternated between missing meals and binge eating sweets, I’ve almost completely lost my appetite for regular food, I am unable to focus or concentrate for more than 5-15 minutes, I have lost all motivation and don’t enjoy things I used to (now they feel more like a drag and sometimes I actually dread doing them), I’m irritable and get headaches and chest tightness from excessive thinking/stressing.  And I’m very overwhelmed with everything I need to do but can’t.

At this point I’m sticking with my decision to stay in classes, I’ve figured out that I can fail anatomy and still be eligible for cross next semester so I think I’ll give up trying in that class and focus on getting my others up (I’m currently failing all my classes, which is discouraging too because I had a 3.6 until this year). I talked to Paul and he suggested I go to CAPS instead of just seeing the sports psychologist because in his experience sports psychologists are better at motivating for sports and playtime rather than dealing with life, and CAPS might be more beneficial. So I went in and now just have to wait for them to set up appointments, not sure how long it’ll take. This is my third time trying to set things up with them but I think I was too busy before for it to work, and I was like nah it’s fine I can see the sports psychologist whenever I want since I’m an athlete so I’ll stick with that. I’m also switching medications soon because obviously the one I’ve been taking is not working. Paul also helped me set up an appointment with the academic coordinator for tomorrow, in hopes that she’ll be able to set me up with tutors to help me through the non-concentration bit, and hopefully actually be able to do what I need to. I’m grateful for all the help and resources available to me.

As for right now, I’m just overwhelmed and stressed out because it kinda feels impossible to do well in classes in my current state, but I’ll just push forward and hope that things get better eventually and do my best. I feel a lot better about pushing myself and trying even if I’m not sure if I can succeed rather than giving up completely, wasting time, and trying again later when I feel better. 

It was 49 degrees and sunny! I met up with Haley, Sam, Morgan and Julieta today. We did parks to hospital loop, 7:21 average. I felt good until just under 4 miles in, that’s when the fatigue set in. The last 3 miles were kinda rough, I just felt so tired. Then hip and knee rehab, both felt good today :) Rapid rebooted

I met with Paul and our academic coordinator this morning. Angie was able to set me up with tutors. That will help me a lot. I start tomorrow. I’m grateful for all the help and support, both on this blog and from friends, family, coaches and resources on campus. Thank you all for your kindness :)

Met with a tutor today for the first time, it was really helpful. Concentrating is really difficult so having someone there to help was really nice. I’ll be meeting with one every day.

Yesterday was a good day, I was able to go to class and keep myself moving. Today, not so much. I missed class again, though I did go see the tutor. Then went home to sleep. I also missed weights. I saw the doctor tonight and got a new prescription for anti-depressants since the one I’ve been taking for over a month isn’t working. This new one is close to the one that gave me an allergic reaction two years ago but it’s kinda the one I need. He said it’s as close to it as you can get without it actually being it, so I think that means I shouldn’t have an allergic reaction? We’ll see. It can cause nausea which I’ve had as a side effect for other medications so that kinda sucks but it should only last a couple weeks. I also feel a little better now because I’ve had suicidal thoughts and he said he’s not worried, it’s one of the most normal abnormalities. And common with depression. I thought I was going insane so that’s actually reassuring, the problem is when you want to act on it. Which I don’t. Depression just sucks.

7:21 average

Well, that was longer than intended... I sorta got stranded :/ lol. At least I got some mileage in.

We met as a team in the centrum for a picture for Alumni something or another since we won conference in Cross. There were a lot of people there for high school basketball state championships, ha. Then Angie, Julieta and Haley were going to do a 60% on farm run, Sharlie and Morgan were going a little later for just a 50%. I wanted to get it over with so I opted for the 60%, and I haven’t done a workout in a while so I thought it’d be good for me. We did it on farm run, I didn’t feel great but that’s kinda the norm now. Oh well.

Mile warmup then started the 60%. We started slower than normal, which actually felt pretty slow surprisingly. I guess I was expecting to have to push it but it was nice and relaxed. 60%s I think are my new favorite workout. Second mile is where it hit me, I got tired real quick. I stopped for a second after 2.25 miles because I felt awful, my stomach was hurting and the fatigue had set in. I thought to myself, “man I just want to go home and sleep.” The new normal. Then I fought that thinking no I can’t sleep all the time! I’m stronger than this. Just finish to 3 miles of the 60%. So after that minute of debate with myself I started again, hit the 3 mile and thought screw it at least go to 4! So I did. But I was so exhausted by then. My legs and lungs felt fine. It was my energy levels that were so low. And my gut was killing me and there was no bathroom in sight. So I called it at 4.

Splits: 6:24.86, 12:49 (6:24.53), 19:24 (6:34.73) - the one with the 1-2 minute break in the middle, 26:06 (6:42.27). Averages out at 6:31. 

Then cooled down. We’d left Julieta’s car at the 7 mile mark, though I’d fallen back and Angie needed to be somewhere so I sorta expected them to leave. I should’ve turned back at 3 miles instead of going the whole way. Oh well! Like I said, I got miles in :) very slow, fatigued miles but eh whatever. 9.5 miles total of running, plus I walked about a mile on the way back because I wasn’t feeling it

Coach said practices will start up again on Monday. We’re between seasons right now. And I think coach sensed our team was tired so he gave us a break

I’ve sort of lost my love of running, but I think that’s from the depression. Maybe with workouts starting up again next week I’ll get some of it back. One of my teammates is going through depression and lost her love of running, too. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, even though I don’t see her much anymore. She’s actually the one that informed me about the emergency withdrawal, since that’s what she did. Everyone’s got their own struggles and I think the best thing to do is help others with theirs.

Today was the first time in I don’t know how long that I’ve actually started to get excited about something, or felt any positive emotion really, in a while. Instead of just remembering what it was like, I realized that’s not just a thing of the past but I could get excited and feel good today or tomorrow unexpectedly. And that gives me hope that things will get better eventually. It’s like a dark blanket has been lifted, even if for just a moment. Reminded me of how life normally is when not depressed, I’d forgotten 

It was also warm today! 56 degrees and sunny. 23 mph wind but we’ll forget that part :) lol. Gusts were strong. 7:45 average 

Things I’m looking forward to: practices starting back up and finding excitement and happiness in running again, going home to see my family, and a Vegas trip I have planned with my friends

No running. I was dreading it and didn’t have the energy so I pushed it off and pushed it off, then I forgot I promised Maddy I’d go to the library with her and get a pizza (the real way to study lol) and that seemed more appealing. Still didn’t study at all but got some insurance crap figured out for my new medication I’ll hopefully get on Monday. And I got out of my house, which I didn’t wanna. I should’ve gone running