Couldn’t sleep at all last night. At 5:30 I decided it was “morning” and went for a run. It was actually nice and peaceful. 7:34 average.
I finally fell asleep around 11:45 after class (I was able to go today so that’s an accomplishment) I slept until 3:15. Weights was at 4 and I really didn’t want to go, I was so tired and just wanted to keep sleeping. But eventually I convinced myself to get up and go. Coach I said to gauge how fatigued we were and decide how many sets we do (3-5), I was very much fatigued so I did 3. He had a whole speech about being fatigued and how he knows sometimes it’s pure willpower to get up and go running/work out, I was thinking man you have no idea lol. It was a nice stress relief. Game readied my knee after because it was hurting.
My depression has been taking its toll, that’s for sure. I’ve alternated between hypersomnia and insomnia, I’ve also alternated between missing meals and binge eating sweets, I’ve almost completely lost my appetite for regular food, I am unable to focus or concentrate for more than 5-15 minutes, I have lost all motivation and don’t enjoy things I used to (now they feel more like a drag and sometimes I actually dread doing them), I’m irritable and get headaches and chest tightness from excessive thinking/stressing. And I’m very overwhelmed with everything I need to do but can’t.
At this point I’m sticking with my decision to stay in classes, I’ve figured out that I can fail anatomy and still be eligible for cross next semester so I think I’ll give up trying in that class and focus on getting my others up (I’m currently failing all my classes, which is discouraging too because I had a 3.6 until this year). I talked to Paul and he suggested I go to CAPS instead of just seeing the sports psychologist because in his experience sports psychologists are better at motivating for sports and playtime rather than dealing with life, and CAPS might be more beneficial. So I went in and now just have to wait for them to set up appointments, not sure how long it’ll take. This is my third time trying to set things up with them but I think I was too busy before for it to work, and I was like nah it’s fine I can see the sports psychologist whenever I want since I’m an athlete so I’ll stick with that. I’m also switching medications soon because obviously the one I’ve been taking is not working. Paul also helped me set up an appointment with the academic coordinator for tomorrow, in hopes that she’ll be able to set me up with tutors to help me through the non-concentration bit, and hopefully actually be able to do what I need to. I’m grateful for all the help and resources available to me.
As for right now, I’m just overwhelmed and stressed out because it kinda feels impossible to do well in classes in my current state, but I’ll just push forward and hope that things get better eventually and do my best. I feel a lot better about pushing myself and trying even if I’m not sure if I can succeed rather than giving up completely, wasting time, and trying again later when I feel better.
| 