Wasatch loop
I've decided to stay in Salt Lake for the next semester so that I can continue to work on my health. I'll continue working full-time mostly to pay off my medical bills so that I'm not in so much debt. I will re-evaluate as it gets closer to January and decide if I will start school back up then or if I'll take a full year off.
This has been a hard decision to make, but I hope it's finally the right one.
As an update: For any who don't know, I was hospitalized in March for severe suicidal ideation. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and had been experiencing a mixed episode of hypomania and depression- which meant a combination of suicidal ideation and impulsivity. To be honest, it's really lucky I didn't attempt. I came close to it 3 times, wrote a suicide note, had been self-harming, and didn't want any professional help even though I knew not receiving any was a death sentence.
My boyfriend called my parents because he was scared I was going to attempt that very night. They drove up to Rexburg without me knowing and that night moved me out of my apartment and took me to UNI in Salt Lake.
We broke up a week later- particularly difficult because he'd all but proposed- I had tried on the ring and it wasn't a matter of if but when
Oh, and the COVID-19 chaos. That's been fun.
It really has taken all of me to fight for a reason to live.
So, what they don't tell you about depression and suicidal ideation is it doesn't just "go away." The hospital is only the beginning of recovery. And there's always the very real possibility that you could slip back. This year is a prime example of that for me (I was also hospitalized last year around the same time for the same reasons).
Much of it is finding the right medication. I've been adjusting medications ever since I've been out of the hospital, hoping to find that sweet spot. I added another one just barely, in fact, because I'm still alternating between hypomania and depression. Right now I'm in a depressive episode. A couple weeks ago it was hypomania, during which I impulsively signed a contract that I'm now trying to get out of. Just one of the downfalls of being bipolar- I'm still trying to learn how and when to hold myself back from impulsive decisions. It's very hard to do when you're manic.
I took a screening last week with my therapist, which said that I was moderately depressed. So definite improvement from a few months ago, but not quite to where we want it.
I've been working through a trauma from circa 2015 with my therapist, which may have triggered the switch from hypomania to depression. She told me that traumas can cause suicidal ideation on their own, not just mental illnesses, and she believes I've been carrying it around all these years. The trauma therapy seems to be helping. I've thought about sharing what happened, but 1) I don't think people care and 2) sharing it seems frightening because it's pretty damaging information for those who know the person.
Anyways, long (kinda heavy) explanation for an update, but things are looking up.
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