I've been thinking a lot lately and I've realized a few things:
1. While I've been running at SUU (or at least these last two years) I've been running with a deflated spirit, believing I'm not good enough and don't measure up to these girls, as though I'm somehow inferior and won't ever achieve my goals
2. Your attitude affects how you feel about things. Having a positive attitude doesn't mean you'll be happy all the time, but it's choosing to focus on the good things and reminding yourself of them and why they make you happy.
So, I'm going to try to fix my mentality. Maybe that's what's been holding me back all this time. From now on I'm going to:
1. Start believing in myself and allow myself to get excited about workouts. I've had this attitude of, "yes, I ran one good time but then I died" for like this whole season. As I was talking with Paul on Monday, he told me my workout last week was really good. I didn't realize it until then, but I'd believed it wasn't actually that great and coach was going to use it as more reason to back up the belief that I'm not good enough, because I'd been focusing on the 400s that were slow, instead of looking at it in a positive light. Paul said, well, it was tough! We haven't done 400s after any 1000s this season until then. I ran 3:46, 3:32, 3:42. At the beginning of the season I ran 3:55, 4:06, 4:12. That right there shows lots of improvement. My 400s this week were a faster average than I think all the 400 workouts I've done at SUU. Yes, there were only 6, but I also ran 12 in 82 average not too long ago, and that is also one of the best workouts I've had here. In high school I did average 75s for 12x400s once, and 78-80 did feel relaxed and I could hit those pretty easy. But that was also at the end of my best season. Right now it's 81-82 that feels fairly easy and I can hit them like clockwork, and 78s for the quicker 400s where I'm pushing hard. I'm not all that far off and that's a whole lot closer than I've been, so I'm getting there I just have to be patient. All anyone can ask is that I try my best to be better today than I was yesterday, give my all and work hard. And when I think about it, I think I could break 5:20 this season if I work hard, so I'm excited to see if I can pull it off.
2. Instead of relying on others to tell me I'm doing great, instead of looking to them for validation that I'm fast enough, I'm going to start believing in myself. I didn't realize how critical I've been. Something I've been thinking about lately is this: would you tell others the same things you tell yourself? In my case, no I wouldn't. I would never tell someone they're not good enough, I'd never tell them that their efforts are in vain and they should just give up. Because I don't believe that, I believe that with hard work anyone can accomplish their dreams. And yet, why have I had such a hard time believing that as it applies to me? I don't know. Because I'm so self-critical and I need to be kinder to myself, I'm a person too, lol.
I have learned a lot in my time as a runner. I have the knowledge, I just need to apply it. My high school coach was there every step of the way to tell me I was doing well and would get after me when I'd go on a tangent as to why I wasn't good enough. He'd nip it in the butt and tell me no, you ran these times in workouts, this shows you're capable of more than you think. I think I'd lost that sense of positivity when I came to SUU. I still looked for the positive aspects of training, but I haven't been very positive with myself. My coaches have been some of the most positive influences on me while I've been here, they have a great approach, but I can't rely on them to always correct my negative mentality. I need to fix it myself. They've done a great job of teaching me the principles, of being positive and trying to get us to be as well, but I haven't allowed myself to truly apply them and feel their affect.
So, in an attempt to be more positive, I'm going to be kinder to myself and stop being so critical. If I can't believe in myself, how can I expect anyone else to?
1. I AM strong enough. I've earned my spot on the team just like anyone else has.
2. I've endured through years of setbacks and difficulties. I'm still here pushing through while the overwhelming majority of my incoming class decided to be done running collegiately, some even quit after one semester.
3. I'm running really well right now. My 50%s feel easy, I don't have to try that hard to run sub-7:40 average where in high school that would be considered a good day for a recovery run. Back then I was averaging more like 7:50-8:15 on recovery days. So that shows improvement, too.
4. I have just as much an opportunity to improve here as I did in high school, if not more. I have more resources available to me than I did back then.
5. I do have a fighting spirit, I just have to ignite it.
6. I can improve off of my high school times THIS SEASON if I set my mind to it. Paul said to go for a 5:10 mile first, then work towards 5:00. I still have a hard time believing I could run sub-5:10 within the next couple of months, but I'll tell myself I can until I do believe it. I know I can run sub-5:20 this year. And within the next 2 years I can achieve my dream of running under 5:00 in the mile. I have the footspeed. I have the determination, patience, and endurance. I AM a good athlete, otherwise I never would've recieved a scholarship in the first place. I just need to practice, and practice, and practice. Build up my strength. Work hard. Then great things will happen.
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