Sock tans

This past week has been crazy, again. I've had several doctors appointments and an ER visit. I'm getting tired of doctors.

Life is really crazy right now. I hope to get back into the habit of running. But it's been so hard lately. Plus, I'm still not feeling the greatest. 

A few things going on:

1. Work- I verbally accepted a job as a special needs community and employment manager, just waiting for the director of the company to send me the official offer letter so I can formally accept it and then I will put in my two weeks resignation at my current job. Crazy opportunity that I feel like I can't pass up, and I nailed the interview, and I'm hopeful that this will be an amazing progression in my career. 
2. Dating- Noah leaves for Belgium on Sunday, been really sad about that (it's been complicated with him, we called it quits as a committed relationship a while ago but have continued meeting up but I said goodbye already and I'm so sad he's moving, but happy for him). TJ and I have also continued to meet, however I'm not sure if it'll go anywhere. It's more of a situationship lol. 
3. Physical Health- my kidneys were shutting down and dropped GFR by 31 in 2 weeks with elevated creatinine. Dropped all the way to 55, so that was concerning. But it actually went back up to 70 this week so that's a huge relief. My ovarian cysts ruptured. Been experiencing back pain, got pretty severe. And now I'm severely constipated lol and I'm having both abdominal and back pain. Pounding the laxatives and have been for 4 days, hopefully things start moving soon. 
4. Mental Health- I'm currently in a mixed bipolar episode. Both depressed and hypomanic (possibly full blown mania, but I'm not sure). I'm super irritable, energized, talking more than normal, more friendly than usual, feeling impulsive and straining to keep myself from doing something I'll regret, feeling a bit restless, intense distractibility, and having trouble remembering things I've done the past few days (for instance I texted my therapist and remembered texting her when she asked about it but I couldn't remember what I said in the text). And depression symptoms I'm experiencing are little interest in doing anything, wanting to stay in bed all day, crying, existential dread, dreading work or responsibilities, feeling burnt out from work, and passive suicidal thoughts without a plan. I also alternate between inflated self-esteem and low self-esteem. Feeling like I'm a boss and a badass then the next minute feeling like I'm no better than a piece of shit. It's a strange experience. 
5. Finances- I'm broke AF lol. Needing a lot of care with no money to get it. I also owe a ton due to three ER visits (it's been a hard month). Trying to apply for financial assistance, hoping I qualify.

Life's been hard lately and I'm still trying to get back on my feet. Feels like I can never catch a break. But when I start thinking like that I start feeling a little suicidal so I try to focus on the thoughts that produce the higher self-esteem, however that doesn't always work. Mixed episodes are a bitch. Sorry for the swear.