Shriner's run. It's getting toasty, might start running earlier in the mornings.
I'm adjusting medications again, each time I do it makes me nervous. But this time feels more controlled, I'm just increasing a dose and if it doesn't work well I can always drop to the one I'm currently at. I stopped taking a medication two weeks ago because I didn't like how it made me feel- extremely restless. But my mood seems to have dropped as a result, hence the change in dosage of the one that works well for me. The only worry is that I'll start seeing side effects from it. But we shall see.
My motivation seems to be doing well, I started up running consistently again and have been running more than I have in a long time. I also searched, applied and started working a full-time job without any push to do so (unless you count medical bills as motivation lol). I'm still trying to figure out what my plans for the next year or two will be. My dad has suggested that maybe college isn't for me. Or that I could go to school part-time instead. Except that's what I was doing at BYUI while working part-time, and look where that got me. I want to graduate, except I don't know whether to continue forward with studying recreational therapy or exercise science/kinesiology. And from there, I don't know where to continue my studies. I could go back to SUU to study exercise science, I could finish studying recreational therapy at BYUI, or I could transfer to the U or UVU or somewhere in the valley that has either major. My dad likes the idea of my staying in the Wasatch front a lot better because I'll be close by the resources I need. My therapist agrees, she says there are no resources in Idaho- those who go to Pocatello are sent here. But it's not that far of a drive if I need services- either from Cedar or Rexburg. They're both just over 3hrs away.
I could just work full-time year round. Finally get my own place and hold a steady job. But in Salt Lake where housing is outrageous? And for what? Without a degree I can hardly make much. And it wouldn't be in a field I'm passionate about. So... what do I do? Am I even capable of graduating? I've struggled so much in school the past two years and this past year was a complete waste of money, I'm no closer to graduating from BYUI than I am from SUU. Do I throw in the towel and say school's just not for me and save myself the time and trouble, or do I go after what I want even though there's the very real possibility that I'll fail at it? My parents don't want yet another repeat of the year ending with me in the hospital. How do I know that this is the last time? How do I know that I've finally got things figured out, that I'm properly treated for my illness? Do I have enough confidence in myself to continue placing emphasis on my mental health before all else and making sure that I take my meds, go to therapy and utilize the resources available to me? And how can I believe in myself enough to accomplish what I set out to do when those closest to me are doubting my abilities?
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