Sock tans

Until I start running I'm just gonna post my thoughts here. I should probably journal or something, but blogging is fun too lol. Idk.

Anyway, I had therapy today. Today is the anniversary of the day I was raped. It's been a hard weekend, to say the least. 

In therapy I expressed that I was still struggling with feelings like it was my fault. I then expressed that I should take responsibility for the part that I played in it, like how I got in that situation in the first place and then not fighting and not running. But my therapist said something that changed my view. She said that I should definitely take responsibility, but not in the way I was thinking. I was hypomanic at the time which meant I was hypersexual and impulsive, so I was making decisions I normally wouldn't do. And then when he started assaulting me, I was in a trauma response. I froze and went along with what was happening because I was remembering the fear I felt when I was groomed by my coach, it was a learned behavior. I went along with things back then because I thought it would keep me safe, so when I didn't feel safe with this stranger that had catfished me, my brain went immediately to do the same thing it did back then, which was to go along with things to keep me safe. Not necessarily that that was what actually would help keep me safe, but my brain had perceived it to be the safest course of action due to previous trauma.

Anyway, my therapist said that the only responsibility I need to take is that I didn't take care of my mental health. I had a "F*** it" kind of attitude. I was slightly suicidal at the time, I was hypomanic, all of which could have been prevented if I was more med compliant. So that is where I needed to take responsibility. Everything else was out of my control, and his actions are all on him. I shouldn't blame myself for what happened because it was not my fault. I could've done more beforehand to prevent it and protect myself, sure, but it wasn't my fault that he chose to rape me. That's all on him. I didn't ask for that, nor did I deserve it.

Feeling good about the progress that I've made. 

And yes, it was rape. I don't really want to go into details. But it was rape. It was unwanted, I hadn't consented, and he disregarded me when I answered his question and said I didn't like pain (to which he responded wrong answer and continued to assault me). He just did whatever he wanted without any consideration about how I felt. 

2 miles easy. Ish. Running is hard when you're out of shape, lol. I just ran at a pace I felt I could maintain, which ended up being 8:41 pace. Not too shabby. It wasn't my legs that were tired actually, it was my lungs that hurt.

I had a conversation with Noah last night about running/working out and it kind of shifted my mindset about getting back into running. He was saying that if I approach running with the idea that I'll push myself until I can get to comfortable distance and run that every day without too much effort and enjoy it for a month or so, until I get bored then increase for the next month until it feels comfortable and enjoy it for another month or until I get bored of the new distance and increase again, it will be a lot more enjoyable. The problem with running in high school and college so competitively is that I started to resent it and lost the enjoyment. So I think that is the approach I'm going to take. I'm going to run 2 miles a day until I feel comfortable with it, enjoy it for a while, then when I'm bored of running 2 miles and feel like I could do more and want to do more, then I will increase my mileage. Slowly but surely, but with no pressure. And if I want to run more one day great, but I'm not going to force myself to do more than I feel like. Hopefully that will help me enjoy running again. 

Also, as an update. I broke up with TJ/Tim/Timothy (he goes by all 3). I got tired of feeling like I was a second thought. I was tired of feeling like he didn't really care to get to know me, he was too busy with other things and that's okay, but it's not what I wanted for a relationship. I wanted a deeper connection and it honestly seemed like he was emotionally unavailable. I got on bumble pretty soon after because I knew what I wanted, changed my profile to reflect what I wanted and was pretty honest about that in my bio, and started swiping. I think online dating is a lot different for girls than it is for guys, because it seems like every guy I talk to only gets like 2-3 matches in a few weeks and (not to be arrogant or anything, I honestly think it's just the sheer number of guys on dating apps and not as many girls) I get a hella lot of matches within a few days and struggled to keep up with the conversations. But then on Saturday I matched with Noah, and we spontaneously decided to meet up, and we just hit it off. Honestly, the best time I've ever had, and not because the things we've done have been adventurous or creative, like literally we just went to beans and brews and grabbed coffee and talked on Saturday, but because talking and being with him is so much fun. The last time I felt that instant connection and like we could talk for hours was with Sawyer, the guy I almost married in 2020. I'm not saying this is going to go anywhere with Noah, I honestly don't know, I'm just going with the flow. But we've both talked about how we're wanting to be serious about dating now, it's not just for fun. It is fun, but like, we both want to eventually get in a committed relationship, if things continued going well. I've enjoyed talking to Noah so much that I stopped talking to other guys and I'm not pursuing anyone else, I'm going to see how things go with him. Which is different from how I felt with TJ, I was still wanting to go on dates with other guys until we had the exclusivity talk. I don't care to do that and I'm not overthinking everything because I like Noah so much and enjoy my time with him. I know it's been less than a week since we met, but I guess what I'm saying is there is a real spark there and it's so exciting. Such a nice change from how sad and insecure I was about how things were going with TJ. I think ending things with him was the right thing to do, even if I still am a bit sad about it. Every now and then I am sad and I miss him, but also, if I hadn't done that I never would've met Noah, and I'm fucking excited to see where things go with him. We're goinng to try west coast swing dancing tonight, neither of us have done it but both have been interested in trying it, so we will see how that goes. 

I'm going to try running as much as I can but I'm not going to put up the expectation for me to run every day, because I think that's unrealistic. I'm gonna try for 3 days a week until I get more into it. 

Met Patrick and Nathan at Sugarhouse park, they were doing a long run and I joined in for the middle part. It was fun :) I set out to just do 2 miles but ended up doing 3 at 8:24 average. I'm out of shape and feel it most in my lungs. But it felt good to get out and do it.