Sock tans

Snowy run. Took it easy, 8:01 average. Felt nice, I was able to work through some thoughts.

I’ve narrowed down part of my decision. Truth is, I don’t want to quit track or cross country. I know it’s stressful, I know that it’s difficult, but I really do enjoy it. And more opportunities might open up within the next couple years to travel if I continue to improve, and even if my situation stays the same the whole time I’d still love to work hard to improve off my high school times. Even if it’s just one meet. I don’t want to give up on that just yet, and I can use workouts as measurements of improvement and find joy in that. Also, by continuing to run I’ll most likely still have a scholarship. And really, there are so many benefits from it like the available resources for student-athletes and the positive effect running and exercise in general has on depression. Having a team and coaches counting on me to be at practice helps me to get out and run on the days my depression is particularly debilitating.

Canyon with Josie for the first couple miles, then I stopped at the bathroom. My stomach didn’t feel great. Then on the way back ran into the conference girls, ran with them for a little then flipped around and headed back to the track. The last couple miles felt good. 7:34 average

My left leg is a tight mess. IT band and tibialis anterior in particular. It’s what’s causing my knee pain. Hip rehab and a VMO exercise (my neuromuscular control still needs improvement, my left VMO was difficult to keep contracted), lots of rolling out, stretched and got leg rubbed out. It hurt pretty bad but knee felt a lot better after

After talking with our academic coordinator I feel a lot more hopeful about things. I think I’m going to continue with this semester. I’ll talk with my professors and see if they have any suggestions or pointers. I know it’s the harder option and will be difficult with my depression but it’ll be for the best. It’s better for me to do what I can right now and make progress towards my degree than to take a break and start over. I’m going to have to dig down deep and grit out the tough days even when I don’t feel like I can. I’ll just focus on one thing at a time and stay productive. Then when I don’t feel like I can face the day, I’ll coach myself through it and focus on the small things I’m able to accomplish. It’s all about perspective and continuing to move forward. Even if you move at a snail’s pace to do what needs done, at the end of the day you’re still that much closer to your end goal than you were before.

Felt short of breath today. And pretty tired by the end. Felt like I’d just done a long speed workout instead of an easy 50%, it was strange. 7:31 average. Hip and quad rehab, rolled out, stretched. My leg bruised from the massage yesterday so we didn’t do anything with it today.

I’m curious about my iron levels, I’ve been low before. Might check it

8:12 average. Almost didn’t go running at all but I forced myself to. I shut off my mind and just ran, stopped trying to coach myself through my depression. It was a release of sorts to just experience it without trying to understand why I felt so sad. I alternate between being apathetic/anxious about my lack of desire to do anything (including eating or getting out of bed) and being intensely sad, hopeless, and not caring about anything. I don’t know which one is worse. 

Got extremely sad when I realized the last time I felt truly happy and upbeat about life was 10 months ago. I’ve never had a severe depressive episode last this long before. Sigh. I’ll just continue to run and do things I enjoy, or used to enjoy. Experience what it feels like to truly laugh and love and relax. Somehow. Without faking it. Remembering the good times today was actually a good thing, even though it made me stop and cry in the middle of my run. Because I remembered back to what it felt like to not be severely depressed. To be hopeful, content, happy, and excited about things. I’d forgotten what that felt like, my life has been so dull trying to make it through one more month, week, or even just through the day on particularly bad days. But now I’m reminded that there is more to life than this drudgery. Things will get better, eventually. 

Ferritin is low (for a runner) at 26, iron high at 200. Bilirubin high at 1.6. Negative for mono and everything else is normal. Drew says we’ll talk monday

Started along Dikes and Thomas came up behind me, he slowed to my pace and we ran together for a couple miles. It made the run go by faster :) Then once we got to campus he was finished and I ran to Walmart and back home. I was short of breath and felt lightheaded at the end. 7:43 average

I found this on the internet:

“Iron is essential for athletic performance. It is the component of hemoglobin in your red blood cells that transports oxygen to your cells and carries carbon dioxide away. The brain also relies on oxygen transport, and without enough iron, you will find it hard to concentrate and feel tired and irritable. Iron is also needed to maintain a healthy immune system. If you don't have enough iron you may be prone to more frequent infections.”

“If your bilirubin levels are higher than normal, it’s a sign that either your red blood cells are breaking down at an unusual rate or that your liver isn’t breaking down waste properly and clearing the bilirubin from your blood.”