8:12 average. Almost didn’t go running at all but I forced myself to. I shut off my mind and just ran, stopped trying to coach myself through my depression. It was a release of sorts to just experience it without trying to understand why I felt so sad. I alternate between being apathetic/anxious about my lack of desire to do anything (including eating or getting out of bed) and being intensely sad, hopeless, and not caring about anything. I don’t know which one is worse.
Got extremely sad when I realized the last time I felt truly happy and upbeat about life was 10 months ago. I’ve never had a severe depressive episode last this long before. Sigh. I’ll just continue to run and do things I enjoy, or used to enjoy. Experience what it feels like to truly laugh and love and relax. Somehow. Without faking it. Remembering the good times today was actually a good thing, even though it made me stop and cry in the middle of my run. Because I remembered back to what it felt like to not be severely depressed. To be hopeful, content, happy, and excited about things. I’d forgotten what that felt like, my life has been so dull trying to make it through one more month, week, or even just through the day on particularly bad days. But now I’m reminded that there is more to life than this drudgery. Things will get better, eventually.
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