I had ECT done early this morning at 5:30 rather than 8:00. I've been pretty tired for the whole day and a bit dizzy and can't move too fast or I start to black out. The most noticeable and concerning one to me, though, is the short term memory loss. Well all of it is concerning, I certainly hope they go away once I am finished with ECT. I'm told they're all just side effects so I think they will. Anyways, I forget simple things like what the date is today, what day of the week it is, if I've talked to my coaches and if they know where I am, if there's something I need to do in order to withdraw (the plan for right now is to emergency withraw from the semester and move back in with my family until fall semester, my dad will probably drive with me back to Cedar to help me move). My high school friend visited me today and asked me if I remembered our friend's mom (and our YW president while we were in high school) passed away. I had forgotten until she mentioned it. Then I remembered coming up for her funeral a bit ago.
Also, wanna know something random? When they give me the anaesthesia in my arm it feels so cold and kinda good, but then I'm out. It's like a lot of vials pushed into my blood stream and it feels kinda cool. Not that I'm a druggy or anything haha. Or I guess I'm drugged up while I'm here so maybe I'm a forced druggy lolol
Also my mom said that when they're giving me ECT the machines always beep and freak out because both my heart rate and blood pressure are on the lower end, but the doctor tells her not to worry because I'm a runner and that's expected. I've had blood pressure as low as 90/60 after anaesthesia, at night it's been like 102/75 or higher, a couple times right at 120/80. For HR I think my lowest has been 46 or 48 (they check both every morning and every night).
Just had a meeting with the doctor, he said I look brighter and will maintain eye contact for longer where before I wouldn't and I smile more now. He said those are the things that he's noticed that have changed. You know, I kind of don't want to withdraw from the semester if I'm going to be feeling even better than I do now. I know I won't have the best grades but then I won't have to completely start over in the fall. I can continue to meet with tutors. I'll talk to my parents and see what they think, maybe I can just get an extension on assignments or something. Idk. And running might suck for a week or two after being stuck in here, but I still have another month... I guess I won't be able to go back to Cedar until around the 6th of April anyways. I'll think about it. I thought I was always going to be depressed and feeling good seemed like such a thing of the past. Hence why I became suicidal and wanted to hurt myself. It's hard to explain why that seemed nice, it's like feeling physical pain is a release from the turmoil inside and brings you back to the present. I'm just glad I'm not feeling like that anymore. I'm starting to feel excitement again and happier and things just feel brighter.
Oh, and the doctor also said that I can't drive for a week after I finish the ECT treatment because there is a risk that I could have an unintended siezure. So, yeah. I probably will have to withdraw even if I don't want to. I'd probably do better in track, too, if I waited for next season to use my eligibility. I can already tell I'm more motivated and excited to start running again, even if I am the slowest on the team. Our team is just really, really good, the best we've had in SUU history (2018 Women's Cross Country Big Sky Conference Champions! First time our women have gone to Nationals was this year! I really am so happy to be a part of such an amazing program. Maybe next year I can push my way up and help the team out in some way. I believe optimism, positivity, and hard work are the keys to success).
I'd say I'm about a 6 or 7 today on the scale I previously mentioned. We had a "fresh air break" tonight and I ran 11 laps (each lap was probably between 100-150 meters) before they called us inside. I started to get nauseated again towards the end. It felt so good to run again, though I wish I had my running shoes because running in boots kinda sucks. But they won't let us have any strings or laces here. Maybe next time I'll barefoot it on the grass
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