Sock tans

7:47 average. Didn’t feel great but it was nice to be back in Cedar

Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive and relax when so much rides on being fast. My scholarship is most likely going to be lowered or cut after this year because I’m not fast enough. I understand why, they have to secure recruits and build up the program, but sometimes when I’m really sad I wonder if it’s even worth staying if it does get lowered or cut. Which it seems like it will. I love it here so much, I want to keep running and working towards my dreams, I want to improve off of my high school times but if coach is just letting me stay because he’s kind and wants to give everyone an opportunity but doesn’t really believe I’ll amount to anything, then why stay? He’s been telling me for over a year to look at my options, see if this is really what I want to do. It has been. That’s why I’ve stuck around for 2.5 years, even when it’s hard. It still is what I want to do. It’s still the best option for me. I think.

But doubt always creeps back in when I remember coach continually telling me I can’t travel if I’m not on pace, my scholarship will most likely be cut, that I have to keep up with the other group if I want to travel but how am I going to do that if I’m not even given the chance to train with them? Sometimes I just wish the stress would go away. If I could just relax and have fun while I’m here, I wouldn’t have an issue. I’m just tired of stressing about being good enough for coach. I’m tired of trying to prove that I’m worth something. I’m tired of trying to save my scholarship. I’m tired of watching all my friends quit and move on to other things and being the lone wolf in this group that doesn’t measure up. And I’m tired of always wishing for something I don’t have, like being a top runner that doesn’t have to worry about those things. 

I don’t know how to fix it, or even if I can. I guess all I can do is be grateful for what I do have let whatever happens, happen. Try not to let it worry me so much and just push through, endure, do what I can.

I guess I’m in the 800 group... sigh. More on that later.

Workout was 3x1k with 90 seconds rest and 3x400 with 30 seconds rest. It was just me and Jacey. I’d planned out to go for 3:35 for the first one and try to hold it for all 3 because in my last meeting with Coach he said I needed to be able to hold that pace, but right before we started he said several times that he wanted us to start at 3:50 and work down, that it was much better that way than dying as the workout progressed. I was confused, because I feel like I should be trying to hold and learn the pace? But okay. I’ll do what coach wants. 

Started with a 3:46, it felt way too relaxed and slow. I was antsy. But it was nice to stay together with Jacey. Next one I went ham. I thought well, I did what coach wanted! Now it’s time to push myself, or I’ll never get faster. Ended up with a 3:32. I was pumped, it was on my goal pace (and coach said the range was 3:35-3:50 I think) and it didn’t feel too bad! But I got anxious after because my muscles tightened up on the recovery and I didn’t feel relaxed anymore. Tried relaxing and just running smooth. Ended with 3:42.

Next were the 400s. After the third 1000, to be honest I didn’t know how to handle the pain. I’m not used to going fast. And I’ve been so stressed out lately. Wanted to drop out. But forced myself to run the 400s. First was just me trying to finish. 98. Next one I was able to push myself a little, at the 200 I saw how slow it was and started getting overwhelmed. Finished with 92. Then couldn’t breathe. I was wheezing. Don’t know if it was asthma from the cold or just anxiety combined with an intense workout. So I didn’t do the last one. 

Cooled down a mile with Jacey then 4 more with Sharlie (Angie was there too for the first half mile). 9 total for the day. 

Frustrated because I never feel like I’m good enough for coach. I’m trying so hard and I just want to be able to run with the group and not feel like I’m sub par. Coach and Paul both seemed happy with my 3:32 1k, at least I know I can run the pace I just have to work on holding it and pushing through the pain.

When I asked coach if I was supposed to be in the 800 group (he’d told me in our meeting a few weeks ago I’d be doing the 5k so I assumed that meant 5k group) he said this 800 group is for those that he is trying to develop, plus the 800 runners, because he wants to keep the other group together. And obviously I’m not an 800 runner. I’m just sad and frustrated because it feels like I’m never going to be good enough for coach. I’ve been trying for 2.5 years of running here to be good enough. And I just feel like I’m so slow and I’m fighting it and trying to become confident because I’ve always struggled with self-esteem since before I can remember. But I know that when I do have confidence in myself, that’s when I’ve had amazing races and great workouts, and to be honest that’s when I’ve been able to excel at anything I set my mind to not just running. But I am improving and I’ve had some promising workouts, and I’ve had some major setbacks due to injury and time off for my mission so I’m pushing through and eventually, hopefully, I’ll finally have a breakthrough. 

It was good to talk to Jacey. She reminded me that Morgan is the exception for women who return from missions, and me, too. That every other RM has quit or just not come back, none seeing really any success. Morgan’s killing it and well, at least I’m still here.

It was also good to talk to Sharlie. She said that for 3 years she hadn’t improved either, she struggled and worked hard. Thinned out and managed nutrition better but nothing major changed, then one day she ran a 4:20 1500 and it didn’t feel that difficult and she’s been fast ever since. I’m gonna hold out the hope that it’ll happen for me, too. I’ve thinned out too, I’m eating a lot better than my freshman year, and I’m working as hard as I can. One day it’ll pay off. Hopefully. And if not, at least I’ll know I gave it my all and I’ll be grateful for the opportunity I had to run in college. 

5 miles. After 2 miles I picked it up, it felt good to run it out. Splits were 7:45, 7:59, 6:44, 6:45, 6:46. 7:13 average.

Today was a pretty bad day for depression. Couldn't get myself to go to weights or classes. I forced myself to go to swim class in the afternoon. That's got to count for something. I didn't even want to run but I forced myself to go out for that, too, after swim. I also did a bit of cleaning around the house. I got none of the important things I needed to done, but at least I did something? Sigh. I still don't want to do anything. I'm tired and sad and have no motivation.

I might try medication again soon. My next meeting with the sports psychologist is next week. I've been meeting with him a lot this semester. Who knows maybe one day I'll find the right medication and it'll no longer be such an issue. I gave up trying to find the right one around this time last year because of the side effects.

The sports psychologist pointed out that the things happening in my life are enough to cause anyone to grieve or stress out (and it's not just running/school/work). But my depression and anxiety cause me to get wrapped up in them, to the point of not eating or overeating or missing appointments or not being able to focus or not having the energy or motivation to do the things I need to. Really it makes it nearly impossible to function like normal. This summer I didn't eat much. Got my appetite back at the end of the summer/beginning of the semester, but I can feel it leaving again. When I'm particularly stressed sometimes I turn to food and eat and eat to feel better, but that happens less than missing meals.

I'm learning how to refocus and bring my thoughts back to what I'm doing instead of letting my anxiety skyrocket. I'm still terrible at it, but Ron said it's a skill that can be learned. And I'm trying not to criticize myself so much. I am my worst critic.

As for running, it's one of the only things that helps me feel slightly better. Even if I'm not good enough for coach, it's still my outlet. But I'm frustrated about things never changing. I thought that when we transitioned from cross to track we'd stay true to our event groups. But I should've known from past years that coach always puts the slow ones in the 800 group. I've never been one of those, until now. Almost all of those slower than me have quit the team. But this is an opportunity most people don't get. I'm still able to run and be a part of the team, and an amazing one at that.

Anyways. I don't feel like I'm needed or wanted here. But you know, that's okay. I've decided that I'll be that person that sticks around when others don't. I'll be that person that pushes through even when it feels like the walls are closing in. I'll endure and grit it out in the hopes that a miracle will happen and that I'll have a breakthrough. And really, I'm just grateful every day for being able to continue to do what I love. For such patient and understanding coaches. And for awesome teammates, even though I don't see most of them much. They're still supportive and encouraging and I love them so much.

7:39 average. Sooo windy. Got a bloody nose at mile 5, had to use my shirt to soak up the blood cause it wouldn’t stop. A guy in a truck stopped and asked if I was ok, I probably looked a mess haha. There are some nice people in Cedar City

Ran with Yoli. Chest felt tight, weird? 7:42 average

7:37 average