Sock tans

Warmups, mile warmup, 80%. After 3 laps I was already exhausted.

Mile splits: 6:16, 6:59 (13:15). Dropped after two miles. It’s hard to fight/push myself nowadays. I’m exhausted, not motivated, apathetic, I’ve lost the positive-thought mental coach within me. I simply didn’t care about how the workout went, I was just fighting my own bad thoughts.

Cooled to 5, I was planning on more but again, I was exhausted and didn’t have the will to work through it. Skipped weights again, sigh.

I’m trying to switch my attitude from “it’s too hard I can’t do it” to “yes it’s hard but just do what you can.” Not going to lie on days like today that is really difficult. But I’m actually pretty happy with myself because I met with both tutors today, I went to class and I got myself to practice even though that was really, really hard for me. But I fought it and went even though I was dreading it. I knew I was not in any mental spot to do a workout today, especially 1000s (I always struggle with those even when I’m feeling good). I knew if I tried it I could crank out one maybe two but then I’d drop, so I asked coach if I could just do a distance run today. He said absolutely, I was surprised by that. Half our team (5 of us haha) went on a distance run today and the other half did the workout

Main Street, my watch died so I didn’t get the pace. Nice and easy. Rehab after. 

I’m really not doing well. I went to CAPS today instead of going to practice. I’ve lost all hope and I’ve become fixated on suicide, started planning out how I’d do it and thought about writing a note in case I do commit suicide soon. Then I asked myself what I was doing, do I really want to die? No, but I don’t want to live either. Not in this hell. I’m done trying to suffer through and force myself to do things I dread doing, I just want to stop trying. And not feeling anything, no happiness, no sadness, just nothing is literally the worst thing. I only cry when I think about having to push myself to do something I dread doing, or when I try to feel any emotion at all. The thought of suicide makes me feel something. Not happy, not sad. But it calms me down. My thoughts stop racing and I visualize it. So basically, I don’t trust myself anymore. I talked to my friend James last night, he called me randomly and asked if I wanted to go get ice cream. He’s spontaneous like that. I said sure. We went on a drive for like an hour. He said he has been depressed before and understands to some extent what it feels like, but that he doesn’t have depression so not entirely. Out of the blue he asked if I was having suicidal thoughts. I told him yes. I almost lied but I trust him enough. He told me that for what it’s worth he thinks I’m dope, ha. But that if I commit suicide I’ll be surprised to learn, unfortunately from the other side of the veil, that even those that I don’t think care actually do. I know deep down people do care, but I don’t think people should. I’m not worth the trouble, I only bring people down. Anyways, it was when I started thinking about swallowing a bottle of pills in my hand that I decided I probably need help. Before I do something stupid. That was last night. I texted the crisis text line from 10:30pm-12:20am, it was only towards the end that I started to snap out of it. Then this morning I cancelled both my tutoring appointments, a planned lunch with Angie, and decided to go back to sleep instead of going to class. I dreamed about committing suicide. When I woke up I looked at my iron supplement pills (different bottle), the label said high fatality risk for accidental overdose, I thought perfect. I can overdose on these. It’s almost completely full. Then I put the bottle down and went to CAPS. After talking to the crisis counselor, I’ve decided I’m going to stay with Ruthie until I go home on Friday for spring break. She can monitor me. That’ll carry me through at least another week. Idk if a week will make much of a difference, but maybe spending time with my family and Ruthie, people I know care about me, will remind me why life is worth living.