Patience; the new endurance sport.

Ran from my office, up the hill past Rock Canyon.  Ran up about another 1/2 mile past the entrance.  I passed this group of 3 young men hiking up, all sporting Camelbacks, Keens, and hip looking knit caps.  Obviously spending some quality man time with nature. As I was passing them up on the trail they looked over their shoulders to see a middle aged mommy-type overtaking them.  I think they were disappointed I wasn't someone cooler, like a cute mountain climber girl laden with climbing ropes needing a little assist.  Spring has sprung alright.  Everyone's out in their coolest gear. This would also explain the weird-o's out there in the bushes doing who-knows-what-all.  I really don't wanna know.  Legs felt pretty dead from Saturday.  But they behaved pretty well.  9:40's ave.

Ran with the dogs.  Didn't make any heroic efforts except to keep running.  I actually felt better (legs) yesterday than today. I have no idea if I should be attempting any speed training now that I'm at the peak of my personal physical and mental exhaustion.  This is going to be a tough week. I always get "here" 3 weeks before the marathon. I know this exhaustion and I always wonder when I'm here what in the heck I am doing this for.  I'm going to do this one for my kids, theywant to go to Boston to see friends & sites, and they know this is the race of all races.  They are old enough to see and understand what it is to stick with something and acheive it.  I will run the marathon of all marathons for their sake.  It makes them proud of me and so I want to do it so when I'm in a hospital bed one day they can remember when I was young and strong so it will give them their own strength.

It was so balmy yesterday, what happened?  Cold weather stymied my ambition, and so I stayed on the treadmill and ran while watching Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist. I am a whole generation older than the characters in that movie.  I could have been the mother to either of them.  Besides making me feel old, I thought the track would be better than it was.  I mean, the movie was sort of about music being the thing that brings these two together.  I gave it a 5 out of 10.

AP 9:20.  I did run  2 of those @ 8:30 pace.  I stayed inside on the treadmill because the moment I was heading out the door it was blizzarding.  However briefly this cold shot lasts, this weather and this week is killing me.  Everything I've touched has turned to crap this week.  I wanted to be outside and do a few quick quarters, or get a little closer to VO2 capacity than those 8:30's....but inside I sweat off like 2 pounds. So I'll take the effort and the mileage as a triumph for today.  Because what I really wanted is to stay home under the covers until next week, or whenever it's 75 degrees again.

9:11/8:48/8:34/8:54/8:43 quick little afternoon run.  Have a Good Friday.

9:30 average.  Had to get up at 6:00 a.m. and could only do half of the run, had to get back to my kids who were calling and calling my phone.  So I was forced to finish the second half 4 hours later.  This sucked.  I have not run a full uninterrupted 20 miler this whole time.  I am exhausted.  Training for Boston has not been a good experience overall.  I don't like trying to run this hard, and going this far in the cold & snow. I gave up skiing in early February to spare my knees, and allow me more energy to training in earnest. This too made me resentful.  I trained for Ogden a few years ago and even that was too early in the year for me.  Reading through my pre St. George entries from fall, I was in such a different place.  I'd come back from a fabulous vacation with my dearest friends, and my sister, having trained on the sand for 2 weeks, I came back rested totally, and I love the end of summer (even if running through the first month of the school year presents inconvenient challenges). In August/Sept I ran two races and averaged 8:15's.  I was happy with my effort at Moab two weeks ago (8:50 ap), but you know I really wanted at least two fluid and successful +20' milers.  I did two 19 milers, but last week's 22 bit the big one.  This week I have not felt good, the cold has kicked my piriformis, and I'm a big fat pouty cry baby.  My body either can or can't run 26 miles successfully in 2 weeks.  Why can't I embrace this?  Why can't I celebrate this?  I don't know if I'm exhausted from trying to train this time of year, or if the exhaustion has dropped me into depression (made worse by the weather and recent life-circumstances).  I am so looking forward to being in Boston, being with friends, having my kids play with their friends.  But I am worried about pushing this marathon to happen in spite of my rebellious mind.  When my mind doesn't agree with my body, I usually pay for it.  I'm trying to be positive though, I want this, it's just way harder than I expected it to be and I haven't performed recently in a way that makes me feel that it's 'all been worth it.'  If I finish Boston with even moderate success (given moderate circumstances) I will be proud.  But all I have sacrificed these past 3 months, all the changes at work, and in life I've had to embrace, the anticipation of running the marathon of all marathons--doing it for my children (trying to show them that one can work toward and accomplish hard things).  But the whole effort seems laughable when my attitude is this defeated.  I learn all the time how weak my mind really is.  I don't need to be petted and coddled, I just need to get through this.  If there ever is a 'next time' maybe it will be better.  Sorry, I gotta dump the trash somewhere.