Patience; the new endurance sport.

 The alarm rings at 5:30 a.m. and I'm in total denial.  But... driving past runners on the street makes me feel like I should pull over to let them in on my little indoor-track secret.  I love the track now and can't believe I've spent all these winters suffering through -7 degrees, dark, icy mornings.  However, you do have to contend with other people who also want to use the track.  But it's not half as bad as going to the gym.  Also, it's fun to pick it up for a lap every 4-5 laps.  It makes 'speed' work more measurable/do-able.  I have no brain for real training.  Which is why I love that Fartlaeking is an actual thing.  As unstructured as Fartlaeking is, I am even more unstructured.  I do things like "I'll run fast where there is no ice on the road" or in the summer "I'll run faster whenever there is shade"--with total disregard to distance, time or V02 capacity.  But races are like that too, if you're unfamiliar with the course.  You have to be ready to jam on the downhill, take advantage of a curve, or settle in on a long hill.  I don't know, all I can say on this -7 degree Monday morning is, I am grateful for the track at BYU.

I tried today to run with music but found it really annoying.  I tossed my player so I could flail my head and arms more freely when I ran my little 100 foot sprints or 1/5 mile.  Marsha is funny, she will come and run with me, but she cheats by overcounting the laps/miles. She's always trying to tell me we went farther than we did (which means she also thinks we've run faster than we have).  It's really wrecked my speed perception and level of endurance.  I was on my own today and everything just felt hard.  Not good.  It didn't help that Josse and her running group were there passing me literally every third lap.  They ran so smooth and fast, and made it look easy, like buttah.  I think the track angle is starting to ear on  my right hip.  Kelli was right, I need to be more careful.  Maybe I should have taken a treadmill day or run outside at lunch.  I walked a bit toward the end with a co-worker who's been coming to the track in the morning. She's survived two bouts of cancer.  She had malignant osteosarcoma cut out of her thigh bone about three years ago and underwent a year of radiation.  She's a fighter, raised on a ranch in Farmington New Mexico in the 1960's. Tough as nails and sweet like honey.  She's a real inspiration, and as slow and labored as my running felt today, everytime I passed her on the track, and could see how much smaller her right thigh was from her left, I realized I'm just a big-fat-baby with a long, long way to go.

I could not drag myself out of bed this morning and so I begrudgingly ran 4 miles on the treadmill after work while my son played Guitar Hero.  I did my millions of sit ups and push ups and stretched forever to compensate for the amount of running I did not do today.  I'm angry because I've wanted to ski and the weather sucks, and I can't get away during the day.  I feel like a pent-up tiger.  Everyone keeps asking me about Boston.  I got in, I registered, I've made my plans, but I can not get my butt in gear to start training.  I'll run 9 with Catherine again on Saturday.  I need to get 10 comfortably down to feel any better.  It seems insurmountable.  Winter is not my running season and it's putting me into a funk.  I think I've got to ditch the warm womb of the BYU track, and start out doing things on my own again.  I'll be sad to lose my regular morning thing with Marsha, but I can't train the way we run together.  I can do long runs with other people, but I can not do my weekday work outs in tandem.  I'm struggling with depression, but unlike most people who get sad, I get angry.  I just feel so restarined by the weather, the air quality, my work schedule, algebra (I'm bad at it), and science fair.  I had to put my cat to sleep last week and it hasn't snowed in over 15 days, and my knee hurts sometimes. Wah, wah, wah.

I am sick of running in circles on the track.  I need some sunlight and fresh air or I am going postal. To spare you my misery I will not post any more words until I either get to run outside, or it snows. 

Oh blessed day, frosty, sunny day, outside in the daylight.  Marion was kind enough to drive from down south and come join me on the river trail for a lovely 5 miler.  She saved my life and always has interesting things to discuss and consider.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect Friday morning.

I know so many amazing people.  I do not know why I am so blessed, but I truly am the luckiest person in the world. My run with Marion yesterday and my 9 miler today with Catherine have changed my life for the better in under 24 hours.  I understand that my mental health requires being outside in the daylight and fresh air, but I also require deep, fulfilling, thought provoking conversations. It's essential.  The weeks started out by trying to take me down, and by Wednesday, I was almost down for the count.  But a little fresh air, some most excellent company, and excersize changed everything. My week ended on a note of renewal and hope.  I am surrounded by the most incredible women of intelligence, saavy, insight, endurance, patience & wisdom.  If I didn't run, I have no idea how I would have access to their brains and time.  Every Saturday for the past few months Catherine and I have been seeing 'my hawk' and talking a bit about what that means for me.  Well today, we saw a bald eagle!  A white headed, fully grown bald eagle, and a younger eagle, nobly perched in a tree.  I've been surrounded recently by owls, hawks, and eagles.  It's strange how they keep appearing again and again until the message is clear to me:  I must draw from and emulate that kind of elegant strength, and claim my bold place in the world.  Those noble birds, the fields of white, the majestic Mt. Timp, the clean winter air.  I am renewed, and it's clear to me now.  I need to write a book.