9:30 average. Had to get up at 6:00 a.m. and could only do half of the run, had to get back to my kids who were calling and calling my phone. So I was forced to finish the second half 4 hours later. This sucked. I have not run a full uninterrupted 20 miler this whole time. I am exhausted. Training for Boston has not been a good experience overall. I don't like trying to run this hard, and going this far in the cold & snow. I gave up skiing in early February to spare my knees, and allow me more energy to training in earnest. This too made me resentful. I trained for Ogden a few years ago and even that was too early in the year for me. Reading through my pre St. George entries from fall, I was in such a different place. I'd come back from a fabulous vacation with my dearest friends, and my sister, having trained on the sand for 2 weeks, I came back rested totally, and I love the end of summer (even if running through the first month of the school year presents inconvenient challenges). In August/Sept I ran two races and averaged 8:15's. I was happy with my effort at Moab two weeks ago (8:50 ap), but you know I really wanted at least two fluid and successful +20' milers. I did two 19 milers, but last week's 22 bit the big one. This week I have not felt good, the cold has kicked my piriformis, and I'm a big fat pouty cry baby. My body either can or can't run 26 miles successfully in 2 weeks. Why can't I embrace this? Why can't I celebrate this? I don't know if I'm exhausted from trying to train this time of year, or if the exhaustion has dropped me into depression (made worse by the weather and recent life-circumstances). I am so looking forward to being in Boston, being with friends, having my kids play with their friends. But I am worried about pushing this marathon to happen in spite of my rebellious mind. When my mind doesn't agree with my body, I usually pay for it. I'm trying to be positive though, I want this, it's just way harder than I expected it to be and I haven't performed recently in a way that makes me feel that it's 'all been worth it.' If I finish Boston with even moderate success (given moderate circumstances) I will be proud. But all I have sacrificed these past 3 months, all the changes at work, and in life I've had to embrace, the anticipation of running the marathon of all marathons--doing it for my children (trying to show them that one can work toward and accomplish hard things). But the whole effort seems laughable when my attitude is this defeated. I learn all the time how weak my mind really is. I don't need to be petted and coddled, I just need to get through this. If there ever is a 'next time' maybe it will be better. Sorry, I gotta dump the trash somewhere. | 