Believe to Achieve

Ran for first time in quite a while with Kim and Jane.  They had a lot of little vacations and with my work we couldn't quite get our runs to coincide.  I think the last time we ran together was Hobble Creek 1/2.  They were sweet to change our 7 w/2 @ MP to today because  I work tomorrow.  I traded to have Thursday off.  I am leaving for SGM then and will be meeting April there : D.  I have to say I think sugar from cookies and candy corn is getting to me.  I was really good for quite a bit and with the fall and tapering I eased up on goodness but I can tell  I need to get back to no sweets this week except natural sugars in fruits etc...Okay so  I picked up Kim at 5:45am and we drove to Jane's house.  We warmed up two miles (8:02, 7:37, not my traditional slow warmup when I am with them of course).  Then stretched briefly and off we went.  We were a little over the top at first and saw our pace lingering at 6:06 for a while so had to slow it  down.  I always hate that about pacing because then I undershoot and end up with a slower second mile.  But not today.  We got to an even pace and ran a 6:30 first mile and a 6:32 second mile.  OBVIOUSLY NOT MARATHON PACE but it felt easy so we just kept it at that.  Ran a three mile cooldown back to Jane's.  When I got back home I added on another 1.7 miles to get the 9 I wanted.  Ran that quite swiftly with the last .7 miles (mostly uphill) at 6:46 pace.  Felt quite good and could have gone on and on.  Stomach on the other hand is really struggling.  I am not very hungry and have been losing weight.  So I better get over this quickly so I can STORE up my glycogen.  BTW I wore my NEW race day outfit.   I am actually running in a skirt.  My first one ever!!  It has hot pink bloomers in it.  My top is pink and purples with a matching headband.  Gotta look good even if I may not feel good at the end this Saturday!!  FIVE DAYS UNTIL SUB THREE!!  Weather isn't going to stop me!!    AP for 9 miles = 7:15. 

Zilch.  First time all summer I didn't run before work first time taking the day off in like a few months except Sundays as usual.  Yup trying to do the taper thing and see if there is really any truth to it.  Finally got my number for St. George.  A little problem with getting my number.   But glad I got a LUCKY ONE--- 5070!!!  I happen to love the number 7.   I am sure Smooth can fill me in as to what this number means.  But it was funny that I was hoping I would have a 7 in my number and there it BOLDLY STANDS. 

Easy miles at 6:22am.  Brrrrrrr.  Arms cold entire run.  Still refuse to put on long sleeves just yet.  7  miles at 7:55 AP.  First mile 8:59.   Last mile 7:08.   Then I decided I better just run another 1/2 mile SLOWLY, like why was my last mile a 7:08?  felt fine.  But LET's get real I need to take it easy.  REINS on for few more days.  Then I will visualize myself at the race gate--- in full race mode.  Honestly I am wondering why I had to put a TIME constraint on myself.  I would just be happy with a PR and that  for sure would happen.  So why the sub three?  Well I have a history of making lofty goals.  When I decided to run my first marathon in 1995 I heard about the Boston 100th marathon qualifying standard so I didn't just say I would complete my first marathon but I would  qualify for Boston.  I was 26 years old.  I was dating a bunch of creepy guys.  (I was reading my journal from then last night).  I also ONLY ran 4 times a week and worked full time NIGHTS!!!  Even funnier is on my first long run, while peeing in the woods, I wiped myself with a POISON IVY leaf.  YUP.  FuLLFLEDGED REACTION to THAT!!!  I had to be on prednisone all of July and August before ST. George 1995.  Tapering was awful for me and I developed Cushing's Syndrome for a bit from all the cortisol due to the steroids.  Poison Ivy  scars on my legs have disappeared but I sure had quite the training summer happening that year.  My first half marathon was on trail and I ran a 1:50.  Second was Provo Half in 1:45. Third half was Hobble Creek in 1:41.    I ran the marathon in 3:35:02--- what my chip time would have said.  In my journal I wrote:  "it took us 1:46 seconds to cross the start.   Some Chariots of Fire music please....I finished the St. George marathon in 3:36:44!!" We ran the first mile in 9 minutes.  I got to the halfway point in 1:50:42 (includ. the late start, all times ARE GUN) and said if I don't speed up I won't qualify so  I took off from my friends and finished the last half in  about 1:45.  I wore ALL PURPLE.  Seriously So NOT fashion concious.  I looked ridiculous.  Too funny!!!   Basically,  I hope to have the same kick in the pants at SGM this year when  I get to the half way mark and go "if YOU DON'T pick it up right now you are NOT going to run a sub three, NOW GET IT GEAR GIRL!!"

AP for 5 miles= 8:26.  The prerace run where I question my fitness and abilities even when  my legs feel light but 9:29 first mile seriously concerns me?  But that was the purpose of this run.  No work except for 6 x 0.1 mile strides--- pace for those were averaged at 6 mm, a couple under.  I thought I was a lot slower so that was nice.  It also woke me up....a little adrenaline to my veins.  My daughter in the car to school said  "have you ever ran it under 3 hours?"  when I told her to say a little prayer for me before the race.  I told her no.  It is hard to do.  She responded "what will happen to you if you don't do it under three hours?"  (she said it like she thought I would be punished).   I told her "nothing will happen to me, even if I get a 3:01 mom will be just fine, or a 3:04 etc.....".  She was worried about me.   Love my girls.  They are driving down SATURDAY morning at 530am.  It is a good thing April reminded me that the race starts at 6:45am.  I thought it started at 7am.  Would not be good if Troy rolled into town thinking he had the extra 15 minutes.  So....since I am leaving today and have no internet access...final words   " I will do what I have been trained to do and then a little more" .  Good luck my friends.  See you soon!!!

slow jog from SGM finish line to 25 mile mark and back.  Accidentally went off course and added  1/4 mile by running one more street south, oops.  Surely spectators will veer me in the right direction?   But now I know we turn on 300 south.  Locked in memory.  April had us run about .1 miles at MP, oops 6mm pace.  FELT light and fluffy.  Ready to race.  April and I are now vegging out here SGM.  BTW I also Won a free ENTRY in to the Painter's HALF marathon (40 dollars).  All I had to do was spin a wheel and land on the one pie without a color.  WINNER.  I will take that as a lucky sign  : D.    

Diary of a Bonk:  The only positive (and it's a good one) that I can extract from all this is meeting and hanging with April!!!  and WITNESSING her AWESOME race from about a mile away!!  I could feel it was her day.  Her focus was on.  Mine was not.  I tried to stay positive on my blog and when talking to April but I was really tired and run down.  I felt really apathetic and no adrenaline at all.  I figured I could at least PR and get very close to three hours but when I didn't sleep for three nights in a row (and not the night after the race either) I could tell it was going to have to be some sort of jump start miracle....I waited for a surge of adrenaline, an ahhhhh feeling but nothing.  I had been somewhat depressed all week and having night sweats every night so I think my estrogen level plummeted to below the surface.  I also had just finished having my third period in 6 weeks lasting over a week.  I felt dimineralized coming in to the race and the insomnia just added to it.  But I have to say it was so very nice to hang with April and feel of her energy and excitement.  When I got up out of my bed at 415am I checked the air outside (after hearing wind all night) and to my dismay the air was putrid warm.  It had to be at least 10 degrees warmer than the morning before.  Later I learned it was 77 degrees!!!  The starting line it was cooler but I never needed my sweats, gloves etc... and tried NOT to be concerned.  April thought it was just fine.  So I stopped complaining.  I felt very out of place in the Elite coral and so wanted to go back behind the line so I stood to the right of April a few people over as I knew she would take off faster than I.  I never saw April the whole race although everyone else that I ran with had seen her.  I was hoping to run at least one mile with her.  Oh well.  At least for the first time I caught up with Kim, Jane, McKenzie, Lily, Kelli etc..... I have never run the first half of SGM under a 1:35ish.  I came to the 13 mile mark at 1:31:09 (not half way yet).  Missed the 1/2 way time clock.  I had taken a gu at mile 11.  Unfortunately that was the biggest mistake I made in the race as it had caffeine.  I thought since I was cresting the hill that it shouldn't affect me like caffeine usually does because I would be going downhill.  Boy was I wrong.  My heartrate started to soar at mile 15 and I couldn't get my breathing under control especially as I came upon mile 18plus.  The second biggest mistake (maybe my first) were my socks that I had just bought at the expo.  Double layer guarantee no blisters socks.  Well that was false advertisment.  I was developing a blister as I was climbing up Veyo.  I was worried what I would do as it got bigger.  I was already changing my form to not land on my big toe.  The pain got so great that by mile 19 I stopped and took off my shoes and threw my socks down on the ground telling the girl to write down my bib number, repeating it for her and whining to her about the most pathetic socks in the world.  I had four blisters brewing and I hadn't gotten a single blister running four hours in the rain at TOU and any of my long run training runs.  So irritated.  Then the next mile I just couldn't move my muscles.  My heartrate was so high that I am guessing it depleted my muscles of oxygen way to early.  I was bonking.  I started to cry when Kelli came by me asking her to come along with her.  I told her I was wanting to quit and that I was in too much pain.  Then Tyler came by me and we shared a moment of "misery loves company" .   We talked about how crappy we felt and how awesome we were supposed to feel coming upon mile 24.  We felt ridiculous.  He was experiencing similar breathing issues.  I felt better knowing someone was feeling just as bad because for a moment there it seemed EVERYONE was passing me.  Nice for some runners to tell me I was doing well but I was not nice and told them I was not doing well at all.  Bonk o'rama.  Here are my splits-- really surprised that even with the four minutes of lost walking time I never went over an 8:27 pace.  I must have been running faster than I thought when I did run.  I had my watch in hide mode so I couldn't freak out. 

7:07

7:08 yikes, I feel like I am going faster.  But I really HAVE to PEE badly.  I have to go so bad that some is spilling out accidentally.

6:40

6:34

6:40

6:24

6:36-- catch the group and ask what to do about having to pee.  I hate porta pottie.  I then remember I have a skirt and squatting modestly is easier with one so I take off thru to the woods and catch back up with everyone (McKenzie, Tyler and Jane) (Mel and Kim are just 10 seconds ahead and Kelli too).

7:29   Veyo.  Feeling strong and talking to Jane.  She answered with one word sentences so I tried to not talk anymore. Blister coming on.

7:17

7:11  Saw AmberG walking.  Shocker.  Sad.  And really I thought later that being with Amber would be really nice at the moment.

7:31  Chocolate GU w/caffeine.  I don't even take caffeine drinks or gus but I like chocolate and I really was getting sick of strawberry banana.  Why oh why don't I ever learn?  I seem to make my own adversity.  I am surely insane.

7:10  April and I compared our splits.  Right here we should have seen each other because we ran these within seconds of each other. 

6:57

7:04

6:47  Should have been faster for the effort.  Heart rate climbing on the downhill.  Now that is unusual.

6:33  Lily came up beside me.  I was beginning my bonk.  But I thought if I just try to stay with her maybe I would come out of it.  This was mile 16.  I let her go.  My heart couldn't take it.

6:47

7:05

7:56  The HILL of DEATH.  The heat was turned up greatly here.  I took a water handed out to me by a little girl.  The packaged water bottles from costco.  I poured a lot of it on my head.  Jane passed me here.  When I got to this aide station (aide stations are at odd number miles) I took off my shoes and took off my shocks in total disgust.  Great now I have to run 7 miles without socks on.  That only created more blisters on the tops of my feet. 

7:53  Not liking the sockless motion in my shoes but eventually I am in so much pain I can't zero in on any one problem.  My whole body was freaking out, especially my left leg and shoulders and spine and HEART.  Still racing.  No amount of water thrown on me was taking it down.  I was trotting now and was so wanting to walk but told myself to just get to the next mile before walking.  I began to cry.  Kelli came by.  Odd I thought she was miles ahead doing some sub three.  She later told me she hated passing me.  But really I could care less.  No amount of pyschology could have pulled me out my rut at that moment.  I could not get myself to run with her.  I told her I wanted to quit and that I was losing it.

7:19.  I don't remember picking it up.  Maybe it was Kelli's urge.  I also think I thought I was doing worse than I was.  My brain was playing tricks on me.   I didn't even have the mindset to think where I was on time in the marathon until the last mile.

8:05 Walking SLOWLY for a moment here.  Trying to get my heartrate down. My breathing was ridiculous. 

8:27  Walking thru the aid station.  Took at least 6 cups of water from the crew here and poured them all over me.  Too bad it was warm water.  Started to run and Tyler said hi to me.  That was unexpected.  We began to whine to each other about how pathetic we felt.  He was also having breathing problems.  We wallowed and moaned and groaned.  We were wondering as we came upon mile 23 why we couldn't feel the magic of the mile like we have in the past.  This was mile 23s split so somehow I pulled my head out.   I don't know what happened to Tyler.  He was gone as soon as he appeared.  It was all dreamlike and fuzzy.

7:17  The wonderful crowd that I usually love.  But I was just holding on by a string and feeling really sorry for myself.  Why oh Why Today of all days.  What did I do wrong?  I wanted it to be over-- the quest for subthree.  I wanted to not have to work for it anymore.  I am 42 years old and I wanted to move on from this goal.  I guess I am meant to keep running.  Blah. 

7:21   I didn't know my splits here.  I wasn't wanting to ever look at them as I felt like I wasn't even moving.  I saw the one mile to go clock at 3:01:30something.  I tried to do the math and I calculated a marathon PR if I had the strength.  My UVM marathon was a 3:09:13.  I couldn't believe that I was feeling this badly here.  I was way more prepared for SGM then UVM.   I felt bad at UVM but never this bad and the last 6 miles were so awesome at UVM with Kim at my side just chugging along.  Never thinking I was dying a slow death.  How could this be?  SERIOUSLY!!!

7:18  Every CELL in my body was hurting. Shoulders, arms, ribs etc... nothing was NOT in oxygen debt. 

AND finally HOPED FOR MP for .28 miles at 6:47.  WHAT A CRUEL JOKE.  But I am not laughing.  I was so disappointed that I couldn't even go over to all my stellar friends.  I walked to my family and told them that I was quitting.  Then I just had to get over it.  Nothing could be changed.  I ran the best I could for the day.  If I went back I could only change the GU and the socks--- but really I couldn't.  No one can ever turn back time.  So what's done is done.  I couldn't change the fact that I didn't sleep, I was iron depleted and the HEAT WAS ON WAY TOO HIGH FOR ME.    I grabbed my HEAD OUT AND I WALKED OVER TO MY FRIENDS and turned MY FROWNY FACE INTO A SMILE.  April, Kim, Jane, Melanie, Julie, Mckenzie and Kelli all rocked it out there!!  I was so happy to be up in front while it lasted.  I will be back for the fight again.  This time MORE PREPARED MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.  Thanks everyone for all your wonderful support.  Keep running!!