Sock tans

Back in Cedar, felt surprisingly good. 7:23 average. Still feel out of shape though and I’m nervous for the progression run on Thursday. Thinking about trying to hold 4 miles of 6:15 average (6:30 down to 6:00) is a bit terrifying. I haven’t done any speed or tempo in 4 months... that’s really scary to think about. Except the 2 miles of 80% I tried right before my femur started hurting for the second time. I haven’t wanted to risk it again but now I’m wondering if I should have? Ahhh. I’m just really nervous. I realized today I’ve been half expecting my femur to hurt again, I guess I’m still just scared to reinjure myself. I started feeling some pain in the same thigh today but I think it’s a tight muscle. That’s what it feels like. Went to my foam roller to try the fulcrum test and found myself tensing up because I was expecting pain haha but of course it’s fine, it’s almost been 4.5 months so yeah it should be completely healed by now. I’ve been kind of babying it, sometimes I’ll step or jump up onto a high ledge at work and I surprise myself with the ease at which I can do it. Then I remind myself I used to jump hurdles and I’m tall so of course I still can haha. My range of motion is still great and I kind of surprise myself with how much more energy and ability to focus I have now that I’ve pulled out of depression. Also, my appetite is coming back so that’s a great sign. 

7:34 average. I'm really nervous about the progression run...I just ran the same distance today and it's fine when I go slow but I'm not sure that I can hold a fast pace for that long. I might try to talk to Coach tomorrow after all the team meetings, he'll know what to say to help me relax. I just hate feeling like a disappointment is all.

Today was full of meetings for the new season to start and form training and such. It actually got me kind of pumped. I’d forgotten how much fun it is to be with the team and to have practice. The last time I did warmups/drills was back in April and today yet again I found myself almost babying my femur, expecting it to hurt as I did drills but no pain of course. That actually got me really pumped because it felt so great to be back and able to do everything with no pain. Kind of surprised me too because I realized how negative my attitude has been coming into this season, I’d basically given up all hope of ever being able to run fast again.

At the meetings we were introduced to the sports psychologist (I didn’t even know we had one to be honest) and I ended up meeting with him before the form training, it actually really helped. I realized that while, yes, I might not be at my best physically at this moment, I still have this whole year to work hard and improve. I’d had kind of the mindset that my hard work went unnoticed, that it’s been all for nothing, but that’s not true. There’s a reason I’m still on the team. There’s a reason Coach is giving me leeway. There’s a reason I got a scholarship in the first place. And that’s because of my hard work, and Coach can see that. That’s why he let me keep my scholarship for another year. That’s why he’s letting me stay with the team. Because he knows my heart is in it and he knows I’ve been putting in the work.

I realized I’ve been stressing that Coach will go back on his decision. That if I do terribly on the progression run he’s going to shake his head and wonder why he’s cutting me some slack. But that’s out of my control and worrying about it will do nothing but limit me. So, instead, I should focus on what I can control. I can work hard. Even if the worst happens and coach goes back on his decision, which I don’t think he will, I still have until December to get into the shape I need to be in for track season. I can perform well in track and secure my scholarship for another year. I can still improve, I can still be fast. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. 

Well, glad that’s over with! And I feel pretty good about it actually. I mean I sucked wind but I showed up and did what I could, and now I’m actually really pumped because Coach stuck with what he said, I’m still good to come to practice on Monday. And I’m pumped to be with the team again, I’ve missed everyone. I love it here so much. Coach said that this is the best team we’ve ever had, including the 2012 team. Our top 6 girls all secured top 7 on the all-time list, Angie set a new record with a 5:15 last mile. I frickin love my team. 

Coach decided to only take 12 girls to camp this year, I was 12th but he’s taking a freshman instead of me. Which is cool, she deserves to go. And it means I can go to Salt Lake for family pictures so my grandma will be happy. 

I ran a consistent performance, exactly the same as last year. Ha, both years I’ve been out of shape. But it’s still better than my freshman year. Made it 4 laps of the second progression, so basically 2 progressions. Started with 9:00 mile, 8:00 mile, 7:00 mile, then the progressions start. First progression is a 6:30 mile, second 6:20, third 6:10, then 3 laps idk what pace, and one mile all out. So I made it the 6:30 and 6:20 then got pulled. 

I just stuck on the pack for as long as I could and that was that. Also, my shoe became untied before the first progression so that was slightly annoying, and almost fell because someone behind me stepped on the shoelace but I didn’t so it’s all good! The whole pack was fast. I ran one lap by myself because I was technically still on pace, but after that I was done. 

I could’ve made it one more lap at least, but for what shape I’m in I’m happy with it. It wasn’t half as bad as I was expecting. 

Got our new gear, it’s like Christmas in the summertime! Mile cool down. 

Ran along Foothill, 7:24 average.

I’ve realized I hold myself to really high standards. I think part of me expects everyone else to hold me to that as well, so when I don’t meet them I set myself up for discouragement and feeling like a failure.

I think I need to tone that down a little and cut myself some slack. I need to remind myself that I can’t be perfect in everything. That yes, my standards and expectations for myself are high for a reason but if I fall short of them it’s not the end of the world.

For example, with the progression run I’d held myself to the standard that I had to finish it. Sure, Coach told me that was his standard, but I took it to heart and when I realized I couldn’t reach that goal I faltered. I didn’t think he’d give me any leeway because I wasn’t giving myself that leeway. So even when he said he’d still let me on the team if I didn’t finish it, part of me felt like I didn’t deserve it. I was still holding myself to high expectations. 

KNow I think that’s great, if you don’t have high expectations you’ll never achieve anything. But I think I need to learn how to lower them when they’re unrealistic. To cut myself some slack, to know that it’s the drive and motivations inside that count. Not always the physical proof of what I have or haven’t done. It’s not always so black and white. 

I went back and watched the progression run (it was videoed and posted on Facebook). It was kind of eye opening. I realized there were girls that fell off before I did, and while I knew that I kind of shrugged it off at the time because I still expected more of myself. Paul’s encouragement sort of registered while I was running it and I used it to try to stay positive, but it didn’t really set in until I watched the video. I guess I never really considered that Paul might be able to see my efforts, too. I was really only concerned about Coach. But Paul has always had my back and even if Coach doesn’t believe in me, Paul does. I always feel like I have to prove myself to coach because he’s the one I report to, the one that decides the logistics of the team. And while he’s patient and motivating and lenient with me, he has a team to run and has to worry about the bigger picture. Also, the last two times I’ve talked with him he’s been surprised to be reminded I still have 3 years left of eligibility. And then he’s a lot more open to believing I still have potential.

With Paul, I’ve never had to convince him of anything. I could tell in the video that he saw I was still fighting even when I hit the wall, he believed in me and can maybe see the potential I do have. And then when I did fall off pace, man it gets me every time. Paul was trying to get me to stay on pace and I let him down. I wish I had worked harder because I did give up after I’d fallen so far back from the pack. I could’ve gritted our another lap or two if I was more focused. But I think this was good, it’s something to learn from and got me back into the more competitive mindset, I’m ready to buckle down and work hard.

Extended VA loop, 7:45 average