Believe to Achieve

insomnia. yup to bed at 10pm and woke at 1230am as if I was ready for the day!!  completely and utterly AWAKE.    By 230am I decided I needed a sleeping aid intervention.  I was so ALIVE.  I even thought.......hmmmm maybe I should go out for my run now?  but I knew it was just a frenzied menopausal mind.... literally.    1/4 pill and a half hour later I drifted off --- on the floor by my bed as my youngest daughter took over my side of the bed.  She doesn't usually come in bed with us so  I am sure she had a bad dream.   It was broken sleep until 716am when  I freaked and saw the time  " alright kids it is time to get up"   I usually wake them at 7:10am to get to school at 7:50am.   Sorted laundry swept the floor after the kids left and then out I went in my ME- Lan-- Co - LY mood.   I really am going through some sort of chemical depression.  The world doesn't look the same.  Running seems forced and not helping my mood.  Yup, the signs of what I stated above. IT SUCKS.  It reminds me of post partum blues and the my teenage years after my father and sister and then brother died in car accidents.  Like nothing tastes good, nothing feels good.  Blah.  It has been going on all summer since my hormone levels dropped to ZERO and still remain that way.  I wonder if they play a role in all my chronic pain?? I have a dr's appt with an endocrinologists two days before SG.  It is always a long time to get in to a specialist.  AP  today--  7:24 for 10 miles.   Ran uphill into a headwind for most of the first two (8:33 first mile, second mile 8:08, yay since it was uphill) miles then onto the canal (about a mile in dirt) and had to slow going around trucks digging the undergournd tunnel on canyon road, then turned around at five miles.  Headwind on downhill, tailwind on uphill-- so pretty consistent effort.  Last two miles 6:40, and 6:23.    IT will be a miracle if I snap out of this depression come race day.  Suck o rama!!!  I have also lost five pounds without trying.

not sure what this EASY run was all about:  8:16,  7:51, 7:42, 7:49, 7:42, 7:40, 7:39, 7:38.    Two  mile loop course around my neighborhood x 4.  The usual dark run (530am).   Marathon shopping (you know double coupon tuesday with hubby) at Walmart so had to run early.  I sure wanted to see the sun but it was kind of cool with the mist in the air after rainfall last night.  AP 7:47 for 8 miles.  I gues it had something to do with UNbroken sleep-- 7 hours!!!  I did have to take a muscle relaxant to sleep.  Otherwise I a quite sure I would have been UP all night.  I was wired at 9 pm.  Amber read to me in bed and then Troy and I watched about 7 minutes of the BYU women's soccer game against Oregon (saturday's game)--- I am guessing 7 minutes as I was out before remembering much of the game.  : D.  What to do about marathon day running shoes??? I don't like either pair I am wearing-- well I like my mizunos but they are feeling flattened and there is no tread in the forefoot.  Yesterday I wore my mirages and honestly I am just putting up with them because I bought them.  Can't wait until their mileage is up!!!    Migraine all afternoon yesterday-- radiating down my right arm and down my leg.  Burning tingling pain.  So done with this type of pain.   I guess it is good I don't get seasonal allergies and have my eyes swell and my nose continuously drip.  But my pains seem seasonal-- worse at different times of the year so maybe my allergies manifest differently. 

this insomnia is fascinating me--- fell asleep at 10pm and awoke at 2 am bright eyed and bushy tailed :D.  seriously????  Got up for two hours then TRIED again to fall asleep. Too late take a sleep aid although I took 1/2 a muscle relaxant before bed.  Took our car to the shop and PRAYING for a miracle--- PLEASE!!  Our car didn't pass emissions and it failed BADLY in the HCppm like over 2,000 points OUT of range.  The CO part of emissions passed.  This is the first time our Honda has failed and it is 17 years old.  We were told two months ago to be shopping for a new car as our Honda has over 213,000 miles on it and is running on 2 cylinders instead of four-- due to leaky rings in the engine.  blah.  So can't afford a new USED car right now.  STRESS.  What is new???  Okay so with some miscommunication with my husband this run got off to a late start but luckily he drove me to the start of my run at the base of AF canyon.   He ran on the trail while I headed UP for four miles-- brief headwind the first mile then really no wind.  Thought my first mile was quicker with the way my legs were turning over so my first mile being 8:41 was like "oh I guess my sleep deprivation is making think I am running faster cause my brain is in slow mow".     Got to the turnaround at 8:23 AP (8:41, 8:31, 8:08, 8:10).  Then I just let my legs take me down at a comfortably hard pace which I didn't look at until the mile beeped with each mile down the canyon---  actually the pace felt natural and NOT forced until the last 0.1 miles.  Splits down 6:19, 6:12, 6:12, 6:14.   AP 6:14.  Wow.  I ran this workout just before pocatello marathon.  I thought I would struggle to keep up with that day but I was actually way ahead of myself.     AP today 7:18 for 8 miles.  Running ONLY FOUR miles the next two days before work at 8:45 to 9 pace :D.   Iced in river x 10 minutes.  Troy was asleep in the car ; D.   BTW LEGS felt great on the downhill.  They are coming alive again.  I am NOT going to read TOO much into this. Sub3:08 is all I hope for!!

new nike pegasus, hot pink.  feel great on my feet, now trying them out on the roads on a recovery run.  4 miles before work nice and easy, first mile 9:26 : D.   AP 8:50. 

pink nike pegasus again.  haven't worn nike running shoes since my first marathon in 1995.  it is hard for me to see that symbol on my shoes...weird but true.  they are so comfortable.  are running shoes supposed to feel comfortable?   hmmmm???  maybe my feet will fall asleep and not work too hard if they are too comfortable.  4 sleepy miles at 5 am before work.  insomnia mania-- broken "awareness" sleep.  getting really ridiculous.  I feel wide awake all the time only crashing for two hours.  First mile 9:56!!!  AP 8:53.    maybe my feet really are asleep? ; D.

no 5k.   no sleep and  construction in way and didn't feel like running a diversion through the parking lot.  Kim and Jane were going to run 10 beforehand and pace me so I just met them at 515am on NO sleep AGAIN-- CHRONIC insomnia happening here even with 1/4 xanax (anymore and I would have collapsed midrun from hangover feeling).  I slept from 1030 to 2 then  I was awake wondering what to do with myself and tried NOT to think of anything stressful.  I tossed and turned and apparently fell back to sleep as I awoke again at 4:51 am.  Hmmmmm .....it is here where my decision to "scratch" the 5 k and run down the AF canyon with my friends  looked "easier" to me.    So meeting them we started at about 5:40am at the reservoir running 1/2 mile up on the dirt road there and turned around.  Their plan was to beat last years time (6:37AP for their  "easy" run).  They can cough up 6mm on AF so obviously going faster than 6:37 is easy for them.  And it is for me but I was just too tired from two long incredibly busy shifts at work (lots and lots of babies and lots and lots of sick babies!!) and honestly no continuous restful sleep.  I decided to run what felt easy for me and didn't push the pace at all when they did.  It wasn't worth the exhaustion to me.  Also this was BY FAR the BUSIEST AF canyon has been on any of my runs up there and it was early!!  I am sure there were at least 40-50 cars that sped up hill and since I was behind my friends a distance  I was on my own and my vision is going literally I slowed often with anxiety for my life.   I like to run on the left side of the road and my friends the right-- but I stayed on the left so no cars would come up behind me and kill me.  There were only five or six cars that came down however in that time. I should have just stayed on the right but it freaked me out-- the UNknown.  IT WAS DARK!!  I zigzagged all the way down stopping in the dirt at times to avoid falling off into the river.  If  it were daylight my eyes would have allowed me to know what to  do but blindness hindered me.  I am such a whiner this morning.  After I was out of the canyon I was so overstimulated that I just slowed it down to take in my run and feel my NEW shoes under my feet.  They felt great the entire run!!  almost too good if that is possible.  I stopped and peed at mile 9 of the timp half where there was a water fountain but no potties (odd) and when I went to pull up my pants (it was slightly dark but I was quite visible) lo and behold a guy was jogging towards me.  He got the  full monty that is for sure.   Dang!! sorry I really am modest.    I didn't make eye contact when I passed him.  The other three girls Kim, Jane and Madison had stopped earlier and I just kept going. They eventually zoomed passed me but I departed by turning right at Deerfield Elem and they turned left-- I wanted to be alone and not have pressure to smoke the course.  But as my garmin beeped 10 (I didn't include our warmup mile) I had a momentary thought to see if I could go fast the last 2 since I had slowed to a 7:28 pace for that last mile.   Itook me about 15 seconds in to this mile to tell myself I could do it.   I saw my pace at 7:08 and said okay Julie now or never and I ended up EASILY running a 6:32 and 6:17 mile for a fast finish.  Those last two miles felt the best out of all of them.  AP for 12 miles 6:56.  This was all easy and nothing forced.  The others got back after me-- their breathing seemed labored (I guess they all got walking pneumonia 3 weeks ago) and they were sweating quite a bit (they said it all felt good to them-- I am sure 2:55 marathon is in their stars from all this fast training).  This was my least sweatiest run thus far!!  It gives me hope that IF I sleep the next several nights until the last night before SG I can shoot for subthree-- the key here is sleep and repairing and rejuvenating my body and it is not happening.  Kim gave me one ambien and then for the next two nights she gave me some melatonin.  Please OH please I need sleep!!