The Qwer Old Fella's Marathon Method

a.m. AIS, 3.5 miles easy, and AIS.

a.m. 6 miles easy. No run yesterday. When I got up I couldn’t detect any sign of discomfort in my leg/butt, so I decided to take the day off and see if it remained that way. It did. Today, there were no signs of discomfort so I decided to give it a proper test and ran 6 miles easy. No problems. I think I may have finally sorted out this little injury. I’ve lost a good four weeks and I’ll need to be careful building back up. I’ll probably take a month to get back to running twice a day and then from March I'll start training with gusto - he's my training partner.

Anyway, back to the old coaching conundrum. First off, some important points:

1. My wife is a qualified Secondary School teacher (High School) and worked, for many years, as the head of the English dept. in the school where she taught – she left teaching to take a job as an editor. So, I’m a fan of teachers (yes, I had to say that because my wife sometimes reads this rubbish).

2. The senior British coaches who said that teachers make the worst coaches were Frank Horwill, Harry Wilson, and Denis Watts – all were very famous and highly respected coaches. They made this statement in their ‘seminal’ book, The Complete Middle Distance Runner. They removed this point from the book in later editions, along with some incorrect physiological statements they made – they were taken to task on these issues by my coach, Chris Orchard, who was a teacher!

3. This is the most important point: I know nothing about coaching! I do, however, have many thoughts and questions that I will articulate during the week. Because it’s such a broad subject, I’ll start tomorrow with my musings on why I think runners (generally) do not make well balanced individuals – of course, these are my mad thoughts based on anecdotal evidence and are not drawn from any scientific studies and should therefore be taken with a gargantuan mound of salt.

COACHING

INT. DR LOOPER’S OFFICE, SOME CITY -- DAY

Well thumbed tomes and papers are scattered about the floor. Framed photographs of runners decorate the walls. The thrum of traffic carries from the streets and drifts through an open window. Cars honk. Everything softens to silence. Looper and Bam face each other. Looper’s cluttered desk separates them. A long beat passes, they wait.

BAM

Sorry, I just… You know.

LOOPER

It’s all right.

BAM

It was just that I…Well, sometimes I get a little. It’s not that I’m - you know.

LOOPER

It’s all right to say it. You might even find…

BAM

But I’m not! How many times do you have to be told?

LOOPER stands and pockets his hands. He strolls over to the window and closes it. He looks down at the city. The city’s busy at it.

LOOPER

Do you think the cat will survive?

BAM

I’m not sure. It wasn’t pretty.

LOOPER gives a hard stare at the city streets and then closes the window. He walks back to the desk and sits.

LOOPER

Was that the first time that you…

BAM

What do you take me for?

LOOPER

I think we should move on.

BAM

Yeah, this is costing me some serious coin.

LOOPER

What get’s your goat most – runners who count downhill dashes as pr’s or runners who use PED’s?

BAM

Overtraining!

LOOPER

What?

BAM

There, I said it. Overtraining.

LOOPER

That's great, but what about my question?

BAM looks at one of the pictures on the wall and then stands to take a closer look.

BAM

Is that your man? It is. It's himself.

To be continued…

a.m. 3.5 miles easy. Hope to get out for another easy 3.5 later.

… BAM walks back to his seat and sits. He shakes his head.

BAM

Man-oh-man, I can’t believe you have his picture hanging on your wall. How do you know him? Wait, did he have to come and see you. You know, did he need his head sorting? Was he do-lally too? I bet I know what it was. Wait a minute… Hold on. It’s on the tip of my...

Beat

Both of them.

DR LOOPER

What ?

BAM

Both of them. PEDS and people who count downhill dashes as pr’s – they both get my, what was it you called it? Oh yeah, my goat. Both cheaters. PEDS is obvious but the Down-hillers are as bad. Worse.

DR LOOPER

From that, I take it that you’re a moral absolutist?

BAM

Imagine the torment the down-hillers must suffer. That little voice nagging away in their heads, “Liar. Cheat. Fraudster. You’re only bluffing yourself. Add 5 minutes onto your marathon pr and then you might be close.”

DR LOOPER

Do you really believe that?

BAM

I can see them now, you know, at work in the office as they hobble over to the water machine, hoping somebody will ask what’s wrong with them. Even the slightest chance to regale some nobody with how they pr’ed on the weekend. Of course, they’ll start with how they started training 12 weeks back, building the miles, increasing the tempo runs, dropping in the speed work in the wind and rain and snow and all of this when they were suffering with folliculitis on the big toe of their right foot.

DR LOOPER scribbles down notes on his pad. He stops and scratches his beard.

BAM

Then they give it the big chat, “knocked 2 minutes off my time and if I can get my fuelling right, I might just knock another couple of minutes off my pr.” The work colleague scurries away and spends the rest of the week avoiding the fruitcake. But the nutter’s there at home, telling all and sundry how everybody at the office wanted to know.

DR LOOPER flips over a page and continues writing – smoke’s coming off the paper.

BAM

But then when they’re in bed at night, the little voice comes out and plagues the hell out of them. “Cheat. Bluffer. You haven’t got the stones to run a marathon on a legit course. Because if you did, your family and your colleagues would treat you as though you were somebody with chronic halitosis; the world would see your soul – they'd see you for what you really are – nothing. Squat. Worse than that, they’d know that you’re merely a jogger”

DR LOOPER

What’s your marathon pr, Bam?

BAM looks at him. LOOPER stares right back at BAM. Through him. Bam’s phone dances on the table.

BAM

I better get that; it might be about the cat.

DR LOOPER nods. BAM picks up the phone.

BAM

Hello.

Beat

OK Sweetness and Light, I better go. I’m with DR LOOPER.

BAM places the phone on the desk and shuffles back in his chair.

BAM

‘Twas the gaffer. She said that the cat didn’t make it. I’m in for a rough few weeks.

DR LOOPER

I asked you about your marathon pr.

BAM

Poor cat. Maybe I had been overtraining. Shouldn’t have thrown it out the bathroom window.

DR LOOPER

Your marathon pr?

BAM

What do you do with a dead cat? Can you bury them in the garden or do you have to take them to the undertakers? They don’t teach this stuff at school.

DR LOOPER

Your marathon pr? Any pr?

BAM

The kids will go nuts. They might cut up my skipping rope and I won’t be able to do my AIS. Jakers! Sorry Doc, where were we?

DR LOOPER

I think we’ll move on. I want to talk to you about balance. Balance in your life. I’ve been doing this job for twenty odd years now and I’ve yet to come across a jogger who leads a balanced life.

BAM

I haven’t run a marathon yet. But in two years time when I’m fifty, I’m going to break the world record for the 50-55 age category.

DR LOOPER

Is that right?

DR LOOPER starts writing again. He’s shaking his head.

BAM

I’ve spent fifteen months getting back into running, building the miles, strengthening the tendons and ligaments and all that sort of malarkey. Once I get over this butt crap, I’ll be ready to go. Being injured is like being constipated: you’re dieing to go but you can’t. Once you do get going again, there’s no stopping you.

DR LOOPER

Do you really believe you can break the world record?

BAM

Hold on a sec, Doc. But did you just call me a jogger? No offence, but if you ever call me a jogger again, I’ll knock you out.

DR LOOPER

Bam, you’re what, 138lbs? I’m 200lbs of beef. I workout and I’m a Master of Brazilian jujitsu.

BAM

The world record’s only 2:19 something.

DR LOOPER

Times up Bam. Tomorrow I want you to come to my clinic. We’ve got some serious work to do.

BAM

Compression socks.

DR LOOPER

What?

BAM

Compression socks get my goat.

DR LOOPER

Why on earth do compression socks get your goat?

BAM

Think about it, Doc. Women look ridiculous in compression socks, you know, the whole Britney thing and all that. Serious fashion faux pas. But I don’t profess to understand the female psyche. But men in compression socks is one step too far. Any man who wears compression socks should be stripped and flogged in public. If my wife saw me in compression socks she’d say, “Why Bam, what are you doing? It isn’t the weekend.”

DR LOOPER

Times up Bam, we will carry on with this tomorrow – in my clinic.

BAM leaves. DR LOOPER puts his head in his hands and then buzzes his secretary.

DR LOOPER

Mary will you bring me in some ibuprofen. I have a migraine.

MARY

Ok. Your wife dropped off your gym kit. She said to tell you that if you look in the side pocket of your bag, you’ll find your compression socks.

a.m. 6 miles easy on an honest loop. I swear I wasn’t wearing compression socksJ

WAITING FOR BAMOT

INT.DR LOOPER'S CLINIC FOR THE INSANE, SOME CITY -- DAY.

The treatment room is white. Everything. White couch; white table; white chair; white walls. DR LOOPER is sitting at the table tapping his polished finger nails on the desk. He's dressed for the gym: white headband, white running vest, white running shorts and white Nike trainers. Worse still, He's wearing white compression socks and white compression calf sleeves. He takes a crumpled photograph out of his headband and studies it. He looks at it longingly.

DR LOOPER

(To the person in the photograph) You are my hero.

 Many minutes pass. DR LOOPER has remained fixated with the person in the photograph.

DR LOOPER

You're so athletic.

He pulls the photo closer and stares hard at the person in the photograph. After twenty minutes he sets the photograph down on the table and then stands and starts to pace the room.

DR LOOPER

Where's Bam? I need to get back to my office. I've clients to see.

An hour passes and he starts to leave. He stops and goes back to his desk and picks up the photograph. He stares at it.

DR LOOPER

You knew how to wear compression socks, and sleeves. Nobody dared laugh at you, did they, Brandon.

Carefully, he rolls up the photograph and tucks it in his headband. He saunters towards the door and stops for a moment. He looks about the room.

DR LOOPER

Better get back to the office. Dr Poulsen's coming to see me about managing his desire to destroy all runners in races. Wonder what happened to Bam.

3 miles easy along the canal with Grace.

The plan was to do 3 with Grace and then go on and do a further 4 miles. but my right achilles played up so I decided to call it a day with the just the three. I've iced the achilles and it feels much better. I'll see how it is tomorrow...