Ran and Cried
The theme for tonight's run was run and cry, run and cry and run some more. My headache is horrible -- borderline migraine. My neck is stiff, and I know why. Tonight I went out to "trot around" as I tell Honey. I thought I wouldn't make a mile. My head was hurting so bad I started to cry about 3/4 of a mile into the run. Then I realized I wasn't crying because of physical pain, but all this emotional pain this stalking experience has inflicted on me. My head started feeling better about mile 3, but now is hurting again just like before.
I am so MAD. I am mad that the University didn't protect me when I reported the major events of this four year episode. I am mad that they told me it was me, not him. I am mad that I have allowed this to affect many areas of my life including running. I am mad that there is now retribution being inflicted on me for reporting him and for finally getting a lawyer to make them do something, and they don't seem to see it or care. I am so MAD.
I also have a new name for the perpetrator. I have referred to him as a Yoyo or a Yahoo or the perpetrator in order to keep myself from being too negative. This, I realized while I was running tonight is called DENIAL. He is a MONSTER.
He is not the Elmo and Cookie Monster kinds of monsters I am surrounded by when I am with Bubbles (she loves Sesame Street characters, but she's never seen the show as we don't turn on the TV). BTW, she is totally in love with THE COUNT! She loved him in a picture book we had for her; then I downloaded some short vinettes from Youtube. Now she walks by my computer and says AH HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAA! And we count everything... yeah, she's 17 months old and doesn't know it. She also knows her right from her left and other strange things. That kind of scares me because I want her to be a kid, but she is so smart. The day care is talking about moving her in with the 2 and 3 year olds. She's already in there part of the day. I want her to be a kid and have fun.
So I am mad at this sick, sick monster who has pervaded my life. I am thinking of taking a leave of absence from my job to get my head together so I can be healthy again.
So I ran 5 miles tonight. I didn't do it on purpose, since I am trying to come back slowly from my injury. I just ran and ran. I could have run 10 but I want to be able to run tomorrow morning. I think I will feel better emotionally when I can run more miles. Running is good for my soul. |