trial of miles; miles of trials

Around 4pm today, I had just had it with work, so I ditched (I put in 8 hours!) and came home to play guitar. I had planned to just come home, rest, and then hit the gym for a 6:40 yoga class. But I completely misplaced my mind, and arrived at the gym at 5:40. So I swam to pass the time, 5 sets of 200 yards at 70% with easy 100's in between for a total of 1600 yards including warmup and cooldown.

For a while now I've had a problem with stiffness located on the outside of my hips, just at the top of my femur. It is worse on the left and gets worse if I stand with one hip jutting out, leaning against a wall or something. When I got out of the pool today, the left one was hurting bad-- I jumped through the shower and hurried to yoga. We did hip opening, fortuitously, and practiced crow pose. The hip was hurting bad through the first sun salutation but eased up a little by the end of class. I'm still kind of creaky in general though, and now lying in bed about to go to sleep, both my hips are aching.

I go to the physical therapist tomorrow afternoon to see about my stride and put together a stress fracture recovery plan, so I'll ask him or her about my hips while I'm at it. I have a sneaking suspicion it has to do with my desk chair, but that's probably just the California hippie talking.

Speaking of which, I did okay food-wise today, but not great. I think I need to eat slightly bigger meals, and up it to four meals a day at 7:30, 11, 3, and 6:30 (approximately). I find most of my bad habits can be squashed so long as I actually eat enough. I am starting, slowly but surely, to lose the couple of pounds I put on in June when I was just laying around feeling sorry for myself at the beach, not running and drinking piña coladas. Self-pity is so unappetizing.

I also decided this weekend that I'll eat meat one day a week: Sundays. I told everyone this is for experimentation and balance but really it's just so they won't get on my case. I ate some chicken but it did make me feel kind of gross. I <3 plants.

AM: yoga, and renewed my gym membership

PM: 4 pull ups

3 sets (10 push ups, 10 incline sit ups)

3 sets (8 bench press, 10 shrugs @15#/ea)

3 sets (10 bench flyes @10#/ea, 10 tsuki press @ 15#/ea)

3 sets (10 lateral shoulder raise @10#/ea, 15 dumbbell row @20#/ea)

Wimpy weights but better than nuthin'. Did my Jane Fondas and Bondage Squats as prescribed by the PT)

Allrightallrightallrightallright.

So it goes: I pronate. I pronate worse on the right foot. My left achilles tendon is slightly atrophied and my hips are WEAK, especially in comparison to my other muscles.

So I go to physical therapy now, and we won't know if it's working for a long time, and she has me do planks and I stare at my thumbs and think about how much I hate this. She only makes me do 20-second planks and I'd tell her I can go longer but I don't, what's the use? In my head I picture the word ATHLETE and I scratch it out with the Sharpie marker in my mind until it is completely illegible. She teaches me to do hamstring exercises and I think about telling her that I do stiff-legged deadlifts once or twice a week but I don't say it. I scribble harder. In little loopy letters next to that, I write "guitarist." Lazy normal person. Reads articles every week about how to lose weight. Jane doe. Suspects gluten intolerance. Does not actually suffer from one. I paint a picture in my head: Hapless American. Middle-class Postgrad Who Goes To Spin Class Because It Is Trendy And To Lose Weight For A-hole Twentysomething Who Rejects Her Due To Own Insecurities, Not Any Fault On Her Part. I mean, like, just kidding, but really.

Why is it that this particular loss has unhinged so thoroughly my sense of self? I have never spent this much time thinking about my career, or about any boyfriend, or any further worry about the future. How did I not realize that my view of life was oddly simple: I am a person who runs. Not a "runner," not by trade, not even really by talent, but de facto. Undeniably.

The PT, Jane, teaches me how to do core exercises. "You'll be strong when you start back!" she tells me brightly. As if a few minutes of planking and a brief hamstring exercise are enough to be strong. I know "no pain no gain" is a lie, but, actually, no pain no gain.

The dress I bought myself for my birthday arrives in the mail. My waist is 2cm too big to fit in it. In the afternoon, I swim 1800 meters-- my longest yet-- and the timed mile of that (1650) is only 38 minutes. I'm getting faster in the water, which should make me proud, but it doesn't. Yawn.