trial of miles; miles of trials

Wounded Warrior 5k. Ashley talked me into it at the last minute. I'd mostly just been lifting weights and playing soccer, so I knew I wasn't in good running shape. I surprised myself by running my PR from high school, down to the second.

I guess now my secret's out: I was pretty slow in high school.

Varsity Boys (AR2) & Varsity Girls (AR1).

Dual Varsity boys.

Game with the regular league

Game with the women's league-- it's 8v8 on a tiny field so I do my best, but I never feel tired afterwards.

Two high school games, Varsity Boys and Girls, on the line.

Regular league game. Another bad loss, at least this one was to a team I have some respect for.

Not sure if 5 is a reasonable distance for a ninety-minute game where I play in the midfield with no subs. I do come off the field hell of tired.

JV Boys (AR) and Varsity Girls (Ctr). Supposed to have a third game, but it was rained out, thank goodness. Damp, uncomfy, and great. I love it.

Two JV games (one boys, one girls) at tournament. Cold out!!

Center on a MS-B.

Soccer practice. About an hour. It's excruciatingly hot since I returned from Maine. We'll get used to it.

On the line for a Var-B then game in women's. It's telling that after both of those, I still feel okay. They really need to make our field bigger in women's league.

Two duals, both middle school. Low-key.

Weight appears to have dropped. Not a bad thing, but odd for me.

Long time no see, FRB.

Playing on two soccer teams this season in addition to ref'ing has sped me up a LOT. This makes sense, as I'd guess I run an average of six sprints per half when ref'ing (and generally have two games each night), and probably ten sprints per half when playing. I play between one and three games a week, and ref between two and five nights a week. You can do the math, if you want, but the point is that I do literally hundreds of sprints every week.

In other news, cross-training still works. Made 4.06 in 30:44. About a 7:30 pace. I'm likin' it.

Very fun AR jobs for a Varsity Boys' tournament. One of the teams I had ended up winning the tournament.

Game with regular league. We had subs this time, which was nice.

Surprise duals with K. Middle school. Not bad.

Weight has dropped more.

Pickup soccer. Two hours and I tried to run as much as possible (why not). Maybe I should start playing right midfield instead of left?

Weight is steady. Eating nuts like you would not belieeeeeeeeve.

4-mile shakeout after a game. Wasn't timing. Slow, shin-splinty. Thinking of taking tomorrow off.

I've decided to start logging my games as miles: 3 if I'm AR, 5 if I'm center, and 4 on a dual. It's probably close enough, especially since I'm not training for anything. I want to know what kind on aerobic base I'm looking at at the end of the soccer season before I start training for the Rocket City Marathon. So I just went back and put in all my games from the last month. It's been fun.

I forgot to mention this:

On 23 April, after more than a month of severe pain in both my shins (but especially the right), I have been diagnosed with multiple cortical stress fractures in both tibias. I am not allowed to run, jump, or even use the elliptical machine for two months. One month into this exile, I am growing as a human and runner and finding that my inner peace can be derived from things other than running and soccer.

Ha ha, just kidding, I'm still super frustrated and I miss running. But so it goes.

EDIT: By the way, in the meantime I am swimming, lifting weights a lot, and doing work on the boat. It's frustrating to be poorly insured and not sure of your doctor. I am beginning to realize that his priority was NOT my running-- he didn't put me in an air cast and just said, "don't do any type of running at all for two months." What I have realized based on his comments is that he thought I had an eating disorder, was suffering from the "female athlete triad," and didn't need to be running, even though I explained to him that actually, as a referee, it's of paramount importance that I be able to run again as soon as possible, because I get paid to do it.

I'm pretty offended by that (obvi) and have made an appointment with a female sports doctor. She's excellent and advises the local university's womens' teams. The downside is that because she's so in demand, my appointment isn't until July 25. I don't really feel comfortable running until I talk to her, because if I'm not recovered by the beginning of fall season, I'll be missing out on experience and money by not refereeing. So, for now, more swimming and I'm starting on elliptical this week. I have this neat "Swim a Mile in Six Weeks" program-- I'm on week 5!

Also very skilfully whacked my shin in exactly the broken place while sailing this weekend and the pain was waking me up all night on Sunday and Monday. Yeeeouch

We entered the Barbarian Challenge in March, as a horde of 8 with soccer girls plus a few boyfriends. I walked it, since I'm just now allowed to run again and I knew I'd overdo it if I let myself run. Anyway, over the course of a few miles we did the following:

- climbed over wrecked cars

- crawled under live wires

- waded through water (like half the time)

- climbed 3 gnarly hills

- climbed over 15-foot high walls

- carried sandbags

I sustained two major (not really) injuries:

- giant, hugely swollen bruise on left forearm... from the slip 'n' slide, no less.

- similarly swollen and ridiculous-looking bruise on left shin. Fortunately, it seems to have been just below where the break was-- a few weeks ago I slammed my broken right shin into a metal boat while teaching sailing class and it was NOT. GOOD.

You know what the most frustrating thing in the world is? WALKING a competitive race. But I'm glad I did it. My shins didn't hurt the next day. Now that I'm closer to being able to run again, I'm realizing how awfully out of shape I've gotten! Sure, I can swim a mile and do six pull ups, but I'm also getting a little chubby and I haven't been as careful to eat well in the last few weeks. Not being able to run makes me kind of apathetic and disinterested in my own health. So that's the goal for the week: back to normal. I ate chia gel for breakfast so that's pretty decent. Hope everyone has a great week.

elliptical: 

10 easy to warm up
6 pullups and 15 sit-ups on the incline

10 minutes quick, 15 more sit-ups

30 more quick, then 10 to cool down

I tried to watch "Get Him to the Greek" while on the elliptical but it really doesn't work for me to do that, so I went back to listening to rap music because I love it. No shame.

Since I do like to entertain y'all with the philosophical side of my athletic pursuits: when I ran the BC on Saturday, one of the other women on my soccer team decided to hang back and walk with me, since she's" not in running shape." She is the same person who told me last fall that she was looking forward to running a 5k, which just made my jaw drop. If you can play a full game of soccer, you can run a 5k! Maybe not quickly, but you can absolutely do it, no question.

I digress: we have another friend, K, who very much has the "runner's build" -- slender, well-built, with good posture and very long legs. K and her boyfriend removed their shirts for the race, and since I was with them, I did too. When we three walked over to join the rest of our "horde," they gave me funny looks, so I got really self-conscious and put my shirt back on. Later, during the race, my fellow walker and I got to talking about the acceptability of removing one's shirt in public places, particularly in the context of racing. My friend -- her name also begins with a K, but let's call her L -- told me that she used to take her shirt off when she wanted, but doesn't anymore now that she's a little older (a few months shy of 50). I can tell from L's build that she, like K, has been slim, if not skinny, for her entire life. You know how people on the internet are always yelling about how skinny is just normal for some women, and people shouldn't assume they have eating disorders? K and L are the kind of people they're talking about. So I sort of related to her feeling, but in a different way. I am half-Guatemalan, so I'm very short and slightly stocky in the way that Latin American people sometimes are. I put on muscle with very little difficulty, but I just will never have that long, slender, all-American build that is so prized in the South (ha ha, and everywhere).

Real talk: fast distance runners are often pretty thin. And they are expected to be thin, which I guess is fine except for these two things that happen. First, people who are thin are seen as more disciplined, accomplished, responsible, and admirable; regardless of what they actually do with themselves. Because, real talk, some people look like that without running. Some people look like that because they are Scandinavian, or because of a gluten allergy, or because they do a lot of cocaine. Second, it is then "embarrassing" to let the world see that you are not their image of an athlete, because then everyone will "know" how lazy and irresponsible you are. It is not even slightly unusual for someone to make a comment about some person "inflicting" their body on the world by wearing a short skirt, tight shirt, etc.

Mostly, I let this stuff go, because it's not my problem and also because you do see some pretty unfortunate combinations of very unhealthy people and very unflattering outfits in the high summer in Huntsville, AL. But where I won't stand for it is at an athletic event. A thousand people showed up at that race course to put themselves to the test. They should be allowed, within reason, to outfit themselves in whatever they want to wear. In that context, the athlete's comfort is above the spectator's opinion. It was late June and we were crawling through a mud pit and climbing dirt hills in the blistering heat-- I'm sorry, why should I keep my shirt on again?

Anyway, as I was getting all huffy in my head about this issue, L pointed out that K "works hard" for the body she has, implying thereby that K deserves her reward, which is taking her shirt off. That pretty much settled the issue for me: I don't believe in working out to make yourself look better. I believe in doing it to be more capable. I like being able to do pull-ups because I like climbing on things. I like being able to run ten miles because, uh, I like running ten miles. I like being the kind of person who puts time into my training and accomplishes things because I want to do them, not because I need approval from someone else. So about a mile in, I took my shirt off and stuck it in the back of my pants because IDGAF. What, I haven't worked hard enough to earn that privilege, despite the fact that I work out almost daily and have done so for the past six years? Sorry, DGAF.

About ten minutes after making this decision, the slip'n'slide-- a series of tarps set up over a bare rock face and hosed down with soapy water-- left me with a rapidly swelling bruise that got so big I looked like I had two elbows. Luckily, I had my soaking shirt on hand to wrap it, applying cool water and pressure at the same time. Voila! Good thing I didn't let ill-guided modesty prevent me from giving myself proper medical attention.

Oh, and-- for exercise, I swam a mile today.

Cheers, a.

20 jump squat

15 incline sit-up

x3

20 minutes elliptical

6 bench press (50#? I forgot to check)

10 shrug (20# dumbbells)

x3

20 minutes elliptical

5 pull-ups (what is the difference between a chin-up and a pull-up?)

10 push-ups (I'm a wimp)

x3

10 minutes elliptical (cool down)

then I ran to the stop sign and back (probably half a mile total). The doctor said to start at half a mile and not increase more than ten percent each time. I am worried my math skills may not be up to the complication of 10% increase calculated from 0.25

Rest. Had to get up at 2:50 AM for work, so I am about ready for bed. Today's contemplative topic: why people suck at dating each other; seriously, is it that hard?

Bruises from the weekend are looking nice. I'd post a pic, but I have no idea how to do that.

Well, crap. Looks like I'll have to throw out the Pose Method of Running book my mom bought me for my birthday.

One hour of basketball at the gym. I like to keep a bunch of sports in my rotation, as each hits muscle groups it can be hard to think of otherwise.

Scott Jurek's new book, Eat and Run, came in the mail today. I may be vegan by the end of the week, we'll see. He opens with a William James quote, I'm digging it already.

Heat wave this weekend. 109 tomorrow. Pray for our sorry souls.

Swam about half a mile. Really sore-- from basketball, I guess. Tired.

Despite my better judgment, I went hashing today. We started at 1, but it was only 100 degrees. The nice thing about walking a hash is that people get stopped up or turned around so you aren't really ever too far behind. I ran just a little of it-- maybe half a mile total. After the run we all got on inner tubes in a river and floated two miles down to where we'd left our cars. There were jello shots, but 1) I hate Jell-O and 2) it was melted anyway and 3) REALLY????!?! Anyway.

Earlier in the day, I went to the gym and shot and messed around for an hour. I used a  men's size ball, since I always had to in college playing coed intramural. I made one three-point shot and was inordinately proud.

Jurek's book is good.

Scott Jurek is not the best writer I've ever read, but he's sort of changing my life right now. I can't put down his book. I bought nutritional yeast today.

I decided to take the day off since I put my legs under a lot of stress yesterday, probably running more than I should between the basketball and the run. On my drive home from a friend's late last night, I noticed a very chilling familiar soreness in my right shin and on the outside of my right knee, exactly the area that was locked up and excruciating last April. I did an hour of yoga and some core strengthening. Upside: with nothing better to do than read and plank, I think my abs are stronger than they have ever been in my life.

This book is coming at a good time for me-- I am beginning to have doubts about whether I am really cut out to be a runner, physically and mentally. But if I'm going to sit out another season, I'm going to do it while being the fittest, best nourished, healthiest injured person ever, so I know for sure that I didn't fail just because of inattention. I want to run the marathon this December.

I finally get to see my new physical therapist on the 25th of this month, and I am counting down the days. I have always been really cautious about injury, which might be why I will never be an ultra runner. That's kind of fine with me.

In the meantime, I discovered the most delicious thing this morning: 1 packet of Amazing Grass "Green Superfood" powder, 1 peach, 1 banana, a splash of orange juice and a splash of almond milk, 3 huge spoonfuls of chia seed. Blend thoroughly, then stick in the freezer for a few hours. It'll start to freeze but still be stirrable, and then if you stir it up it is like the most amazing super grass cold chia-gel masterpiece. If anything it is a little too sweet and could use some dark greens. It's some next level s--. For lunch I ate a big vegan salad with a million veggies, some microwaved mushrooms and hummus for protein, and jalapenos and kalamata olives for a little salt.

Only downside to Eat and Run: reading it makes me kind of hungry all the time. It also makes me want to run all the time, which I think is sort of the same feeling.

I hope you are all having a perfect weekend.

Day 3 as a closeted vegan. I cheated a little: I was baking (GF) blackberry-peach pies for tomorrow, and I made them with my signature crunchy oat topping, which is made with butter. I tasted it to see whether it was working. It was. I will probably cheat again tomorrow. All men are sinners.

Swam a mile plus about 400 in warmup and cooldown. I'm thinking of working up to two miles now that one is fairly manageable. Distance swimming; is that a thing? Related: what do you think the running equivalent of swimming a mile is?

Ran about half a mile completely barefoot. No shirt, no shoes, no problem.

Chia gel.

Day 4. Half mile on the treadmill, then a 700 with my cousin to train her (she's doing conditioning for her upcoming season of club soccer). Worked out on the elliptical, a few pullups, normal stuff. Spent the rest of the day in the pool drinking wine with my not-ex-boyfriend and his family.

Still liking the vegan thing.

No running today, since I ran almost a whole mile yesterday.

Basketball and swimming. Off to New Orleans for the weekend tomorrow. I will probably have to eat meat there, which is gross, but whatever.

In love with NOLA. Walked a million miles in Toms-- turned out okay.

Forty minutes of basketball. Baked bread with the bug. Drank some very good wine from California and watched New Year's Eve (her choice). Family nights in are actually my favorite.

Still feeling some pain but I'm mostly ignoring it. I think I'm going to renew my gym membership. Really, I think I will get my money's worth out of it, even once soccer starts again: I could use the cross-training of swimming, and I think I'll be declining some games as a referee so that I can take some yoga and do other things that aren't so stressful. I don't want another season like last one!

Ran an actual mile, with actually running. On a treadmill, but exciting nonetheless. Followed with yoga class to open up my hips and re-align-- despite the lack of running, I've been feeling kind of bunchy and crampy lately. I keep getting these sharp pains in the center of my chest, at the top of my sternum. Not sure what that's about.

Later on I went for a 4-mile hike up on the mountain-- ran just a little of it, but I was in my TOMS so I didn't want to do anything stupid. It was really humid. 

Ate my weight in guacamole and chips, because the family wanted me to go out to dinner with them. I hate eating out. It never tastes as good and I know it isn't good for me. I had the "chicken salad" but without the cheese and chicken, so basically just iceberg lettuce and some of those weird canned orange slices. And of course some chips and salsa and beer. Maybe the overall effect will balance with my incredibly healthy yogic morning.

More rest. Threw away four trash bags full of junk and talked to my mom for two hours.

Set some goals for the week:

Monday: AM: Half hour of basketball, PM: yoga OR ballerina pilates, run 1/2 mile.

Tuesday: AM: yoga, PM: Swim 1 mile.

Wednesday: Run 1 mile. Maybe yoga.

Thursday: Lift for legs and core. 1 hour elliptical.

Friday: "Power yoga." I don't know what that entails, but it's on the gym schedule.

Saturday: AM: Run 1 mile, yoga. PM: Long hike or 1.5 hours on elliptical.

Other goals:

- eat three or four times per day, be vegan (such a small word, such a big challenge)

- good breakfast every morning

- no alcohol, two or fewer cups of coffee per day

- remember that life is beautiful

Very grateful today for the width of the world and, weirdly, the internet for always reminding me that there is more out there than just what I can see. T minus 10 days til doctor!!

AM: more like 25 minutes of basketball.

PM: Half mile on the treadmill, barefoot, as in literally barefooted. It hurts the first couple of days but you'd be surprised how quickly that goes away.

Yoga was good for my hip flexors. I always feel so calm afterwards. I have been very frustrated with my life lately, feeling as though I am caught in stasis, doing only what is required for upkeep: I eat, I sleep, I clean, I work out, I go to work. I drive myself around and every day I end up exactly where I started, with almost no change. I worry constantly that I am getting fat; I never am.

Today when I left work to drive to the gym, it was raining. I could hear it on the roof at work, earlier. While I was on the treadmill, Jeopardy! was interrupted by a weather advisory, and they had closed the pool. But when I got out of yoga class at quarter of eight, feeling straight and calm, it was over: there were a few swimmers repopulating the pool and when I went outside, the stormy heat had given into a warm, slightly tropical evening, comforting and close. The sky was covered with every shade of grey and muted pink and dusty orange, in delicate washes like a watercolor painting, punctuated by the jagged outlines of the cloud cover in retreat.

Walking to my car, I felt light through my shoulders and chest, as though all the connections in my whole self had been eased and smoothed. I had no seams anywhere, even where my body becomes my mind, no gaps and no crushed parts. I had driven a little ways down the road, which began to curve to the left, when I noticed over my left shoulder a vibrant rainbow arcing into the sky just behind the gym. Every color shone vibrantly, from the bright red to the crisp purple, just the way we drew it when we were kids trying to get our crayon lines close enough without letting the colors blend into each other.

When that kind of thing happens, the best thing to do is just stop the car and look, so I did that. I put my blinkers on and sat in the right-hand lane, staring over my shoulder at the rainbow, passively letting it sink in. I thought about how A would pull out her iPhone and begin snapping photos of it. I realized that no photo would ever capture this moment sufficiently. I made peace with that thought, and let it fall away from me.

Lagging on that mile, it's been too long. It took about 43 minutes, but I was interrupted twice. That is the worst thing about the pool, especially after running in the state park. It is as much like a treadmill as you can get while not actually on a treadmill.

Doing okay healthwise so far. I ate a huge bowl of soup when I got home last night. I think you're not supposed to eat something or something after 8pm or something.

I don't think I'm eating more now that I'm vegan, but I am so much more aware of what I'm eating that it feels like I'm eating more. Or maybe I actually am. I don't know.

Insomnia last night kept me from yoga this morning. Not the worst thing. Called my mom this morning and we decided I'll go visit this weekend. I like last-minute travel plans; they feel like adventures.

I was feeling inspired and wrote a long post about stress fractures on the discussion board in the "Injuries" section. In case anyone else out there has them.

Today I must unfortunately swallow two pieces of bad news, 

1. my legs are still broken, and

2. I have failed already at every single one of my general 'health goals' for the week.

I have been listening to a lot of Elliott Smith and acting really weird. I had tickets to see Shut Up and Play the Hits tonight, so I went, although I wasn't really in the mood. It was good, though. Last night I was up until about 1 finishing Andre Dubus III's Townie: A Memoir. It was incredibly moving; I can't recommend it highly enough. Sometimes you meet people who lived in the same place as you and had the same kinds of experiences as you, but despite all the similarities you find that there is some kind of disconnect or misunderstanding: the challenges might have been the same, but somehow the struggle was different. I found that I identified strongly with the young Dubus although our lives are very different.

As promised, here is the recipe for the cookies I made this weekend... stolen from some random blogger, I forget. Sorry. They are amazing, and as you can see have NO added sugar and are completely vegan. If you are careful about the chocolate chips you buy, they are even soy-free. I put mine in a Tupperware in the fridge and was very happy with them. It is pretty difficult to eat just one.

Ingredients

• 2 bananas, cut in chunks
  
• 1 c. chocolate chips
• 1/4 c. almond butter
• 2 Tbsp chia seeds
• 1 tsp cocoa powder
• 1/3 c. almond milk
• pinch of salt
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 c. raw rolled oats

Directions

1. In a medium saucepan over low heat, combine all ingredients EXCEPT the vanilla and oats. Heat for 2-3 minutes or until just beginning to bubble.
2. Using a potato masher or fork, mash the bananas in chocolate mixture until smooth. Bring mixture to a boil and boil for 2-3 minutes. Mine didn't boil very well but it was definitely hot, so I just stirred it a little to facilitate the chocolate melting.
3. Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla and oats. Stir until the oats are well-coated and the whole thing is uniform in texture.
4. Scoop out tablespoonfuls onto wax paper. You can make bigger or smaller cookies, depending on your taste. Shape into cookie shape and let cool.
5. Eat a bunch of them; feel proud of yourself for your cooking chops and slightly smug about your health-foodie-ness.

Legs hurt. No other significant news.

In Virginia visiting my parents. Mom and I went to her gym and I swam my mile. Have I mentioned my mom is an Ironman? An Ironman Ph.D. in Math. I know, right???

Blog hiatus due to the theft of my computer-- brand new, too!-- in Kingsport, Tennessee. Ah well, you win some and you lose some. The circumstances under which it was stolen reveal to me that the person had been watching me and waiting for his (her?) chance, so given that fact I'm just glad nothing worse happened.

Swam today, still depressed generally. Might use FRB to document the progress of the side projects I will undertake in the interim until I can run again. I see my new doctor tomorrow to find out when that is. Projects: 1. attempt #3 at learning to play guitar, 2. tear down the ugly awning and build a pergola off the back of my friend R's house. Fun with carpentry!

Today I learned a few songs on guitar and started the design for a wooden guitar stand to build next week. I swam only 900-- still a little drained from yesterday's nine-hour drive, maybe? I had a conversation with my friend A today over lunch about body types: she enjoys lifting weights, and she speculated that she is built for strength, whereas her boyfriend, a pretty fit dude in his late twenties who likes mountain bike races, is built for speed. This did have some sense, I think-- it's true that everyone CAN run, but it's just not true that everyone will be good at it. I also realized I couldn't tell whether I was built for strength or speed. Both? Neither? (more likely) -- then she said, "I think you're built for distance. You can take a lot of pain." And that's when I realized God is going to let me run an ultramarathon.

I LOVED reading everybody's Des News accounts-- it's always so exhilarating and a big honor to be included in the culmination (or at least one culmination) of all you elite runners' training. I love to hear in your own words how it feels to have those kinds of goals, which seem so far away from the life I live, and really race competitively. I dunno I'm just PROUD OF YOU, everybody, anybody who ran today, yesterday, or the day before, or will run tomorrow. You're all amazing.

 
Superset 1: Bodyweight Squats (3 sets of 8) / Kettlebell Plie Squats (3 sets of 8)

Superset 2: Jump Squats (3 x 15) / Stiff-legged Barbell Deadlift (3 x 8)

Superset 3: Walking Barbell Lunge (3 x 30 steps) / Leg Press (3 x 15)

 15 incline situps, 20 calf raises, 10 minutes on the punching bag.

Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.

Lifted heavy for arms and back: tsuki press, shrugs, bench flyes, bench press, pull ups, chin ups (I can never remember which is which), incline situps, and push ups.

I AM HECK OF SORE.

Around 4pm today, I had just had it with work, so I ditched (I put in 8 hours!) and came home to play guitar. I had planned to just come home, rest, and then hit the gym for a 6:40 yoga class. But I completely misplaced my mind, and arrived at the gym at 5:40. So I swam to pass the time, 5 sets of 200 yards at 70% with easy 100's in between for a total of 1600 yards including warmup and cooldown.

For a while now I've had a problem with stiffness located on the outside of my hips, just at the top of my femur. It is worse on the left and gets worse if I stand with one hip jutting out, leaning against a wall or something. When I got out of the pool today, the left one was hurting bad-- I jumped through the shower and hurried to yoga. We did hip opening, fortuitously, and practiced crow pose. The hip was hurting bad through the first sun salutation but eased up a little by the end of class. I'm still kind of creaky in general though, and now lying in bed about to go to sleep, both my hips are aching.

I go to the physical therapist tomorrow afternoon to see about my stride and put together a stress fracture recovery plan, so I'll ask him or her about my hips while I'm at it. I have a sneaking suspicion it has to do with my desk chair, but that's probably just the California hippie talking.

Speaking of which, I did okay food-wise today, but not great. I think I need to eat slightly bigger meals, and up it to four meals a day at 7:30, 11, 3, and 6:30 (approximately). I find most of my bad habits can be squashed so long as I actually eat enough. I am starting, slowly but surely, to lose the couple of pounds I put on in June when I was just laying around feeling sorry for myself at the beach, not running and drinking piña coladas. Self-pity is so unappetizing.

I also decided this weekend that I'll eat meat one day a week: Sundays. I told everyone this is for experimentation and balance but really it's just so they won't get on my case. I ate some chicken but it did make me feel kind of gross. I <3 plants.

AM: yoga, and renewed my gym membership

PM: 4 pull ups

3 sets (10 push ups, 10 incline sit ups)

3 sets (8 bench press, 10 shrugs @15#/ea)

3 sets (10 bench flyes @10#/ea, 10 tsuki press @ 15#/ea)

3 sets (10 lateral shoulder raise @10#/ea, 15 dumbbell row @20#/ea)

Wimpy weights but better than nuthin'. Did my Jane Fondas and Bondage Squats as prescribed by the PT)

Allrightallrightallrightallright.

So it goes: I pronate. I pronate worse on the right foot. My left achilles tendon is slightly atrophied and my hips are WEAK, especially in comparison to my other muscles.

So I go to physical therapy now, and we won't know if it's working for a long time, and she has me do planks and I stare at my thumbs and think about how much I hate this. She only makes me do 20-second planks and I'd tell her I can go longer but I don't, what's the use? In my head I picture the word ATHLETE and I scratch it out with the Sharpie marker in my mind until it is completely illegible. She teaches me to do hamstring exercises and I think about telling her that I do stiff-legged deadlifts once or twice a week but I don't say it. I scribble harder. In little loopy letters next to that, I write "guitarist." Lazy normal person. Reads articles every week about how to lose weight. Jane doe. Suspects gluten intolerance. Does not actually suffer from one. I paint a picture in my head: Hapless American. Middle-class Postgrad Who Goes To Spin Class Because It Is Trendy And To Lose Weight For A-hole Twentysomething Who Rejects Her Due To Own Insecurities, Not Any Fault On Her Part. I mean, like, just kidding, but really.

Why is it that this particular loss has unhinged so thoroughly my sense of self? I have never spent this much time thinking about my career, or about any boyfriend, or any further worry about the future. How did I not realize that my view of life was oddly simple: I am a person who runs. Not a "runner," not by trade, not even really by talent, but de facto. Undeniably.

The PT, Jane, teaches me how to do core exercises. "You'll be strong when you start back!" she tells me brightly. As if a few minutes of planking and a brief hamstring exercise are enough to be strong. I know "no pain no gain" is a lie, but, actually, no pain no gain.

The dress I bought myself for my birthday arrives in the mail. My waist is 2cm too big to fit in it. In the afternoon, I swim 1800 meters-- my longest yet-- and the timed mile of that (1650) is only 38 minutes. I'm getting faster in the water, which should make me proud, but it doesn't. Yawn.

On this day in 1970, my mother was born in Northern California.

On this day in 2012, my doctor told I am allowed to run again.

On this day, this very day, today, I laced up brand-new cleats and coughed my way through a women's league soccer game. We won 8 to nothing. I did not score a goal.

"Just, you know, don't start out with 30-mile weeks," she told me. My physical therapist is effervescent and named Tiffany. My doctor is curt and named Darla.

The reason I'm coughing is (in part) because of a business trip last week to Salt Lake City. Utah looms large in my mind as the birthplace of true running (along with, undeniably, Colorado) and I spent three days squinting and walking around downtown, off into the wandery north, down south to Sugarhouse, under artificial spritzers at the Gateway Mall where I bought books and dodged teenagers. It was dry and hot, and I spent days shivering in meetings at the hotel and then headed out into the hottest part of the day, my cheap Target sunglasses reducing the 3pm Utah sun to a level approximately only 150% what it is in northern Alabama.

I walked to Harmon's and bought avocados and pink Himalayan sea salt. I know it is gross that I tested to see that the salt rock was really salty, but reader, I did it. At night I did my physical therapy in my hotel room and watched Mean Girls and the DNC.

My legs didn't hurt. They don't hurt. I am eight pounds above my racing weight, and my ability to do pull-ups faded with my confidence in my own body. The other therapist, Amy, is blonde and pregnant and impossibly beautiful. She has a Julia Roberts mouth, which she uses to tell me that I have many years ahead. I'm lying on my back on the therapy table in my work shirt and referee shorts, an outfit of necessity. I put my arms behind my head, trying to prop myself up and look at her more directly. "You really think so?" "Oh, yeah." "Okay."

Happy birthday, Mom.

My cousin's birthday. I do my exercises. Yoga is at 5:30 AM. I tell myself I'll go, for the sixth week in a row. For the sixth week in a row, I don't. For the fourth week in a row, I don't feel bad about it, either.

Soccer with the mens' team. While the young dudes I referee with are, by and large, a-holes, the older ones are pure gold. Tim is in his fifties. He is drinking a Bud Light tall boy on the sideline, fresh off his team's 3-2 victory. We broshake. My game starts, and the team captain puts me in for about ten minutes total. I mouth off a little but I'm not really mad about it. I'm slower than I used to be. Soccer's about putting your money where your mouth is. Oh, and it's also about drawing the foul.

Sprints in the pool. 50m and 100m free. About a half hours' worth, nothing too crazy.

I went down to Fleet Feet on the south side of town and got fitted for shoes. I like that they have a camera there so they can actually show you the pronation-- I track so well until right when I hit the ground and then I look like a drunk toddler. Oh well. (:

I hate the way support shoes look BUT FINE okay, yes, being injured hurt a lot. I know all the cool kids run in Saucony and Brooks but I think my Nike Lunarglide 4's will be fine. I got orthotics and everything. I always said I was old on the inside.

cool runnings, y'all.

Good walk around Boulder with G. I like it. Things are good.

Biked 16 miles with G. from Aspen down to the Woody Creek Tavern. Eight miles downhill, eight miles uphill. Chicken soup and beer in between.

Baby hike on the way over Independence. Ice caves at Grottos. I really need to quit hiking in my Keds; my physical therapist is just going to have a fit.

I have been so atrocious about recording things.

Missing Colorado like crazy, of course. Power yoga and then 2 miles on the gym treadmill. Took it easy-- 1.5 running at about a nine-minute pace, then a half mile slow jog/walk/cool down.

Sore for days. Embarrassing.

Eight-hour sailing race on the lake. We won our class.

The closest I got to exercise today was cleaning the bathroom. One day at a time.

It rained, so they closed the soccer fields and cancelled my game (BOO HISS). Ran two miles on the middle school track, straight this time. A little pain but mostly okay. One day at a time.

Really missing Colorado....

Swam today. For a while. It was good.

Yoga teacher was the substitute I don't like. She's usually a Pilates teacher (I have an unfair bias against Pilates because most of the people I meet who do it are MAD neurotic and I sure don't need to encourage that in myself). Anyway, the last time I took a class she subbed for, my back hurt all week. No thank you.

So I ran a mile and a half and then I went to go drink beer.

Three miles (plus a little, actually more like four) on the track, running a mile then walking 0.25. Felt okay, a little twinge in the left knee. I've been having pain not so much in my shins but right below my knee, on the inside, in that little divot on the side of my tibia between it and my calf muscle, right at the top. Maybe something attaches there? Dunno.

Thinking of moving to Colorado. Lots of runners there.

So bad about entering things in here lately! You'd think I would be all excited to do so. Actually, I am.

Soccer game with womens'. We lost pretty badly. I ran into a girl late in the first half and twisted my right ankle-- the one I sprained last fall. That's what I get for playing rough, and also for not doing my therapy. Anyway, I think it'll be better in just a few days.

Little America's Cup-- sailing all day! And a few cartwheels to round off my good day of upper body/core crosstraining (;

lather, rinse, repeat: Monday night futbol. We won 4-1 despite playing 8 against 9 most of the game, and even 7 against 9 for a while. Two assists. I'm glad I didn't listen to my PT when she told me not to play.... Ankle is doing pretty well.

Morning yoga. So lovely.

Refereed a U10 Boys soccer game. They are so mad cute!

Power yoga with my favorite teacher, Ashley. She beat us up! I have never sweated so much in yoga.

Sailing races all day. Shoulders haven't been this sore in years and I have big gorgeous floral bruises blooming on my left shoulder and right hip. Plus, as always, both legs from the knee down are patchy red and purple and blue. Lots of bruises are the price you pay for great wind and a solid adventure on the water.

Rest day in prep for tomorrow: back-to-back games, playing the first and refereeing the second on the line. I also need to start actually building my mileage up-- I think I've done enough consecutive six-mile weeks. I want to slowly pull myself back into a fairly normal running pattern: build to 4-5 days per week running, with one of those days "long," whatever that happens to be (currently I think my long run is like... five miles). So this week I'll have Monday soccer, which I'm counting as a run so I don't stress myself, Thursday run 3, and Friday run 5. I wish I didn't have to squish them together like that but I think it's better than making my long run Sunday, which would put it the day before Monday Night Futbol. Maybe I should swap and do M/W/F? I dunno. I'll contemplate that as I'm reffing tonight.

so, tentatively: tomorrow soccer, tuesday upper body weights, wednesday run three easy, thursday swim, friday yoga and run, saturday sailing, sunday yoga and maybe go for a hike.

Gosh, my life sounds fun.

Crazy!

We didn't have any subs and all our best players were gone, so I had to play Center Mid the entire game (two 40-minute halves). So, at least, I am now aware that I can run for basically an hour and a half. That's good. The second game, when I had to referee, was of course not as much running, but still by the time it was done at 9:30 (kickoff for the first game was at 6), I was pretty beat. I called G and whined at him on the phone a little because I was stretching and it was painful. My knees hurt. My toes hurt. My shins hurt a little but they are not broken! So things are good.

Gave myself 4 miles, trying to be conservative-- I played the whole time, but the games were only 80 minutes and the field was small.

Yo yo, yo-yo yoooogaaaaa (to the tune of "Lola")

Anyway, I'm still sore from Monday, which is nuts. I actually "rested" yesterday, by which I mean I gave into peer pressure and went to Trivia Night and drank margaritas.

On a less failure-ific note, my friend K (of shirtless Barbarian Challenge fame) is helping me quit even my occasional smoking habit. Living in the South, I have a lot of occasional-smoker friends, and I tend to hang out with them on the weekend or in the evening or both, which of course is when occasional smokers will be smoking. But, I have to stop doing that, so K and I set up a system: every time I smoke a cigarette, I have to text her and tell her. Because I am very weak in the face of peer pressure (see above), I tend to just accept when someone offers me a cigarette, because they usually want someone to smoke with. So far this is working pretty well, and I told all my smoker friends that I am doing it, so they'd stop offering. I think it is going to work great!

I think I said I was going to swim tomorrow, but I might run or at least elliptical instead.

Warmed up 1mi @10:00 pace, ran 1.5 @ 9:05 pace, then cooled down walking half a mile.

 Little by little.

PM: Arms workout. Not too much, as I was tired from work and the earlier workout, but did a few sets of pullups/one-armed dumbbell rows and then bench press/tricep extensions. I am a lot weaker than I was in the spring-- I used to be able to do whole sets of 5 pull-ups, but now I have to do sets of 3 and then rest a sec, then two slow negatives. Also, I am down to 20# tricep extensions instead of 30#. goals.

Headed straight to the gym in the morning just to get it out of the way. Three miles.

Really tough 40-minute aerobic interval workout on our NordicTrack. I wanted to spend a day doing something lower-impact, just to make sure I didn't stress my bones, etc. I was tired afterwards!

Went to soccer, but the girls wimped out on me because it was "cold" and we were "clearly going to lose." So we forfeited and I let A. talk me into going for a beer. Oh well. tomorrow!

A.M.:  woke up super late and decided to just go to the gym and work a half day. I ran 2.55 on the treadmill. Medium.

P.M.:  drove all the way down to South Huntsville to play pickup... but there was no one there. I am going to have to find some Northerners who aren't scared of the cold so I can play soccer all winter. This is just ridiculous. So I went to the Castle and ate chicken and rice soup with my friends. Kind of didn't realize I hadn't eaten all day. S makes the beeesssst chicken and rice so it's all good.

Gym after work. Ran and walked alternately BUT for four miles. It's the first time I've done that since April so I was kind of happy about it.

takin' it easy, treadmill in the basement.

I came up with the best costume ever today: upright bass. Just wear brown, draw on some strings from your toes to your stomach, and draw some cutouts on your stomach... and then whenever anyone asks you what you are, do a handstand. Boom.

Easy. Average pace was slow but I forgot that I walked 2 laps of this (half a mile). It's almost exactly one mile from stop sign to stop sign (the entirety of the runnable area in this "neighborhood") which is on the one hand irritating and on the other hand good for measurement.

Average pace was about 9:15. Veeeerrrryyyy sloooowwwwlllyy recooovvvvveerrrinnggg.

I did have some pretty worrisome pain in my shins, especially the left.

Game on the larger field. I was back at forward, and slow, and irritated about it. Thirty minute halves instead of the usual 40. It was cold.

I voted! I voted and did not go for a run.