OK. I need to figure some things out. I couldn't sleep again last night. Every sight and sound freaks me out, and every time I close my eyes I envision those horrible people in my house again. So, with no sleep last night, I skipped the run this morning in favor of bed.
I got up and got ready for work very slowly, because I was reluctant to leave the house. As I got into my car, I started to feel some anxiety, and it continued to escalate as I drove farther from my house. People, I had a full-blown anxiety attack, and I have no idea how I made it to the office safely. I snuck through the lobby with my sunglasses on, rode up the elevator, and went straight to the restroom.
Thankfully, my amazing secretary was in there and helped to calm me down (turns out that Lamaze classes are helpful for more reasons than childbirth, and I now have a headstart on childbirth techniques!). I couldn't breathe, I got very dizzy and lightheaded, and my arms were tingling. That had never happened before. So, I called my sister, and she came to my office to get me.
I feel like I should be stronger than this. Nobody was hurt, and it's only stuff. I can't imagine how I would react if I or someone I loved ever got hurt or further victimized. It has gotten in the way of me doing my job for the last two days, and I feel like I'm letting people down. Thankfully, I work for amazing people who are very understanding (and who have been burglarized too). One of the partners said he was surprised that I showed up at all today. My sister just left, and I'm getting scared again, but I feel more in control of myself than I did this morning.
I am so sore (again!). I thought it was from the run yesterday, but now I realize it's from the tension I have been holding and this stupid panic attack.
OK, this rant has been therapeutic. I need to get my marathon training back on track. If I wasn't so scared to leave the house, it would be a great way to take my mind off everything! Thanks to everyone who left supportive comments yesterday (if you're still reading!). My goal is to go to work all day tomorrow. One step at a time... |