Believe to Achieve

WARNING REPORT will be frank and depressing but I am not trying to impress anyone.  AND most of all I am ONLY competitive with myself so all this self loathing is self-comparison.  Any tom,dick or harry (Mary : D) can fly on by--that is not my goal-- to take others down.  I just want to reach my own goals.  With that said I am BURNT out with running IN PAIN.   I just can't do it anymore.  I awoke extremely tired after two 13 hour shifts with the same burning tight hamstring, hip and back.   I was thinking "who the h--- runs a half marathon downhill with this kind of pain and why the heck do I think I have to run it?"   I just couldn't NOT run it.   And to run it slow the first miles would have been painful too so why not try to go faster (GOAL to stay between the 1:25 and 1:30 pacer)???  Besides the residual "too many squats in years" soreness in every muscle of my thighs and hips was I knew the hamstring/back pain I had been  experiencing  would gradually take me under  as the course geography changed the last few miles.  At mile five I could feel it pulling and it scared me.   My PF pain was numb.    My hamstring/back problem came on suddenly two weeks ago as I paced Kim in the UVM the last 6 miles.   The pain then was so intense there was nothing I could do to run.  I was so sad to miss Kim at the finish.  It came out of nowhere but I believe it was due to the concrete of UV course and minimalist shoes causing tons of stress on my SI joint/hip then kapoof-- hamstring!!  I was so glad that several times the pain waxed and waned that I was able to run Ragnar but since Ragnar the pain has gotten worse and worse.  At mile 9 my leg was so tight that I just had to "envision" myself in SPIN class doing the One-legged work out.  My left leg turnover was completely useless and running faster was more painful.  I kept telling myself I could slow down and when my fun Ragnar buddy Holly passed me I knew I couldn't stop.  I had to try.    Just before mile 11 I got a pebble in my shoe at the top of my ankle.  It was bugging me so I stopped and tried with my tight fingers to get it out and then it fell to the sole of my foot.  Dang nab it I am going to have to just run with this stupid pebble under my foot.  Of course it was my left foot and  of course it was right under my PF.   Just more fun for me.   My goal at this point was to at least run in the 1:27 range.  I lost a lot of time in the last three miles.   But there just was NO way I could run faster with the memory of the intense pain at UV that stopped me completely there.  I had to finish.  I walked throught the last water station and then tried my hardest to finish strong but really was thinking "I don't want to run anymore.  It is not fun in this pain.  I need some serious help!!  SERIOUSLY!! YOU (talking to myself) are the STUPIDEST runner ever Julie.  What is with you.   Stop running.  Stop it already.  Cut it out.    I ran into the finish with a chip time of 1:27:13.    6th place overall.  I saw a woman at the start who clearly looked older than me and she sped off in the first 500 yards.   She was in 5th, 53 seconds ahead of me (49 years old.  I learned her name is Keri Hatch).  Never saw her after the starting line.  But then again I am not usually looking out to pass anyone unless they happen to be there in front of me when I am running a certain pace.  Holly rocked the last miles finishing in 1:25:04.  Seeing her finetuned core pass me and feeling my blubber move around while I ran made me realize how much I got to get some ab strength to do better at finishes (after I get rid of the pain of course).  Visited the physical therapy table after the run.  He said  that my SI joint was completely off causing the sciatic nerve, most likely, to get very irritated, as my pain goes all the way to my foot.  My foot is numb, my ankles goes numb and burns at times but mostly my hamstring is on fire and my lower back aches quite a bit.  He also thought it could be a herniated disc.   Holy crud what if I have a herniation??  I do not want surgery.  But I really want this pain to go away.  It is throbbing right now as I type.  Paces for fun (STOPWATCH :D< NO GARMIN : D):  6:38, 6:24, 6:34, 6:18, 6:13 (starting to feel the hamstring pull/tear OUCHIE, hold it together mantra),  6:04 (alright slow it down),  6:27, 6:47 (starting to hyperventilate from the stress!!),  7:00 (HI HOLLY :D!!), 6:51, 7:07 (pebble in my shoe stop),  7:18 (just not feelin' the love at all),  and 1.1 miles in 7:27 with 5 kers in the way-- I am weaving all around them like everyone else had to but it was just for .25 miles so not too bad.  Cried at the finish because of the pain.  I am truly going on leave.  Overall time 1:27:13.  Oh yah ran a one mile warm up on the dirt road with Melanie.  I could feel the squats.  Again stupid move doing lots of squats for the first time in years three days before a half marathon.  At least I felt better in those areas today.  Yesterday was pretty funny, unable to bend down normally.  My coworkers got a good laugh!    QUESTION:  did you stay inside the cones or "cheat"?  At mile 12.5 there is a crosswalk with cones to cross over with a police car as you turn ritht. The guy just ahead of me cut off those cones taking the quickest way back.  I am thinking that I should have too but me and another guy followed the cones because that was how it was marked.    I didn't have a garmin but I heard the course was on, maybe slightly over.