Called in sick to work tonight but I'm not sick. Nessa is at her usual place spending the night while I work. I'm not at work though. This is the only way for me to have a break. Free time. So I deceived everybody and now I'm holed up in a restaurant in a back booth by myself. Let's call it a mental health day. I might even go to an adult movie. I might not. Today I ran on my home treddy out of view and spent some time grieving. It's a long story but in the end I still just cannot move past a few things. I've tried, prayed, ran, drank, smoked, screamed, cried, wrote, played, devoured books and journals, talked to friends, begged for mercy from any higher being, taken anti-depressants, gone to church. It always circles back. I'm staring into the abyss again. I am grateful for my little blonde angel or I would have given up long ago. She is the reason I get out of bed every day and choose to live the best I can. | 