Well, this is something I will keep forever, so a long write-up, and many confessions, so read on if you are ready to see some ugliness as well as goodness.
I have to start by saying my marathons tend to be metaphors for life, and this was one was no exception. So I have to tell the story of the year as background. One year ago my nasty devastating divorce was complete. On December 3rd, I lost custody of the stepsons I had loved and raised from diapers, my sons, and my heart....broke. I have never been the same. I didn't eat for 9 days, and I smoked like a chimney(old additions always come back). I drank too much. Thanks to a mom who always holds my head above water, a daughter who needed me, and wonderful friends, I slowly pulled out of the mud and started running again. By March I had won a 50 miler, won a few half-marathons, and was on top of my game, and handing my new life. In April, disaster struck, I was nailed by a car, thrown 60 feet into a ditch, and my left knee was torn open and my fibula was broken. My left calf was missing a chunk. I was lucky to be alive. I spent 6 weeks sitting at home on disabilty comtemplating "Why?" I had been spared. I should not have lived. I was mosty, on a whole, grateful to be alive. At the same time, I struggled in another relationship.
In June I was back running, a fast recovery that was nothing short of miraculous. I was doing well, and began to rack up the miles to the highest ever, and my fitness came back with a vengeance. I PRd in the half in August, and all was going well. In September, things turned. I began to struggle again, as birthdays passed and my relationship failed, I began to miss my boys and my life, and a sort of delayed emotional reaction set in. Although I knew I should be grateful I was taken over by a depression that I could not shake, and I began to sink like a ship. I was even smoking here and there, drinking a little too often, and I began to gain weight. I fought and I fough to keep it together but I was like a time bomb that was exploding. my estranged father began to call after many years which threw another wicked emotional loop at me. I fell apart. I tried to hide it, but those close to me were on to me. 3 weeks ago I decided to start an antidepressant in a wild attempt to get myself back together. It seemed to help, and when I arrived at the starting line today I was calm, enough bandaids were in place to get me through.
The race started perfectly. I felt great, energy was great, slept well the night before. I held back and ran well within myself the first half, coming through in 1:31:xx or so. My new shoes that I had run a 16 miler in 2 weeks prior and seemed fine were giving me a little problem. I was blistered under my big toes and every step was starting to hurt. The outside of my left foot was burning with each step. I thought this was something I could ignore and picked it up as planned at 13, plenty of gas in the tank, not laboring at all. By mile 16, despite my best efforts, I think I was curling my toes around the blisters, and my calves started to get tight and knot. I clung to the hope that this would pass,but it was not to be. By mile 17 I knew I was in big trouble,and the pace bleeding began. By mile 18, every step was excruciating from the thighs down, and I began to mince along rather than run. It stunk, because my energy was good and there was plenty of gas in the tank, but my calves and feet were fiery knots, and all I could manage was a short, jerky, painful stride. I had brought my ipod just in case, something I have never done before. I fleeted through DNF thoughts, but decided to put the music on and buckle down for a looooong 8 mile death march.
And then I death marched. Occasionally I entertained the DNF, but dismissed it. I quit looking at my watch, knew it was bad and didn't want to know how bad. At mile 22 I stopped, sat on the curb, pulled my shoes off, pulled my socks up tight, tied my shoes tight, thinking it might help a little. The 3:10 pace group passed me. I got up, minced along, and watched them go. A friend of mine came by on a bike and offered an S-cap, I declined, because I knew sodium wasn't the issue, it was my knotted calves and biomechanics. Occasionally I would try to be tough and open it up but it was a no-go, the knots just got tighter and the fire in my feet took over. I would limp on one side, and then the other.
At mile 25 my friend Nancy jumped in. I told her I was toast and cramped and she ran me to mile 26 at the bridge. So glad. I needed a boost.
And then it was over. I saw my mom and bawled into her chest over the barricades separating us. Then I went and found my Badger friends. Marcus ran a 2:47!! Wow! We are proud indeed! Many great accomplishments out there today, I cannot even begin to speak of all the incredible stories from my running friends today.
What is next? I feel like a broken record, I have been up and down so much the last few years that it has reached the point of ridiculous. That said, I don't think fitness was the problem today, it was a new-shoe-biomechanical issue. I think. Although I am not entirely sure of my next plan, I think it will involve a few weeks off and some counseling to work on the issues in my heart and mind, which can no longer be ignored or fought through without help, and then perhaps go to a local running coach, Nathan Wadsworth, who has reasonable prices, like 50 a month, to analyze biomechanical issues and get some solutions, some of which are lingering from the accident(like running on the outside of my left foot completely and then toeing off, I still cannot dorsiflex that foot much), and to get a solid running plan, and work towards Boston hopefully with my head, heart, and body in a better place.
I am a bipolar runner, although we all are to a point--do great, do crummy,do great, do crummy lol. I am still very grateful for tons of increbile support and family, and for this blog that I have hung on to for 5 years and is more or less a diary. I am going to have to allow myself a little cry-laughing for a few days and then make the next plan.
Good day bloggers! I promise I'm not done yet and I will do better!! :)
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