I just got back from the hospital! it's 8pm. I got no sleep last night and had the weirdest day ever. Will is doing much better. He took a 5 hour nap today which bothered me, but he's not running a fever anymore. Even though will's not incredibly sick I found myself to be weepy today, which is pretty out of character.
Casey came to the hospital right after Cooper got on the bus. He then went home to eat lunch and shower and surprised me by bringing my running stuff to the hospital. He layed it down and said, "Annie, go run. Get out of here" So I did. I made it half a mile and started to cry. All of the sudden I felt so vulnerable, I never do well with that. Then my lack of control over willem's situation overwhelmed me. I turned around and ran back to shelley's house and stood in her shower and cried. I wasn't worried that willem was going to die or anything, just upset that he had to be sick. Mad at myself for the situation (which wasn't my fault but a mother's guilt isn't logical), for being upset that I didn't get a run in yesterday(so selfish). Then I felt stupid for being so weak and crying about it, I got really angry at myself. Then I just wanted my mom, more than anything in the world. I wondered, how did she handle it with me. Where did she summon her strength from? My stays were frequent and serious. As a kid, you blow stuff like that off. "Oh I'm in the hospital again, Yipeee that means I get as many popsicles as I want and I cant watch cartoons all day" Kids don't feel the gravity of situations, it just is what it is for them. unlimited cartoons and ice cream, cool presents. Here I'm sniveling over an infection and she had to worry about much more pressing issues, much more frequently, and ususally both her babies were admitted at the same time. What did she do when they thought I had cystic fibrosis, or luekemia? It may have been a fleeting diagnosis, like something off HOUSE, but it would've been devastating to hear. I suddenly understood and respected her fortitude for the first time ever, and I wanted her to be with me and tell me what to do. After all those illnesses she still put me in athletics, because she knew they'd make me stronger, and they did! That alone took a lot of strength. I can't imagine the slack she got for that! She is my hero.
Needless to say I ran 1 mile today.
I just talked to my mom. oddly enough she said she was in a funk all day today. She knew she was worried about will but said she couldn't pin point the source of her dark cloud. When I told her how much I wanted her today she started bawling, and said, "that is it. That's what was pulling at me all day" Of course Casey chalked it up to estrogen. He needed sisters, or nieces or a daughter or something. | 