Believe to Achieve

AP 9:10 per course tool.  No garmin.  Just my good ol' watch on my good ol' route.  Felt like the last 3 miles of the marathon all over again.  Probably not a good thing.  But I have been sad lately.  On Monday morning my husband went over to help his step-father after falling at 545am.  He ended up in American Fork Hospital spiking a fever to 107 degrees last night.  We went over there and my coworker Nathan was so nice to want to explain things medically to me and all  I could do is look past that to his breathing condition.  Very labored on BiPap, unconcious.  I began to sob and take his hand.  And talk to him.  But no response.  He was soooo hot.  It was hard to see him struggle to breath and Troy's mother sobbing as well.  Then Nathan told me about numbers a little later and I regained some hope.  I mean 50/50 odds are good, right?  But not if you are a lung cancer survivor, 82 years old and have a current infection in the body.  It was just his time.  We drove home around 930 pm and I told Troy I wasn't sure if it was his turn to go, but if it were, it would be better for him to fall asleep and peacefully go then to drag out his time with each difficult breath.  And that's how it went.....at 238am the phone rang and a nurse from AF hospital told us he had passed away, he just stopped breathing, and that Sheri (Troy's mom) wasn't doing very well.  Troy left and I stayed with this pit in my stomach in my bed at home.  All our conversations passing through my mind and guess what most of them were about?  RUNNING!!! Running of all things he was so very interested in my races particularly my marathons.  Here is a guy who smoked for 30 years, drank for more, had part of his lung cut out due to cancer over 20 years ago and then a relapse two years ago, fighting through chemo and all he wanted to talk about was running to me.  Sometimes politics but really about running.  On Mother's Day he told me he was going to be buried at Camp Williams (he is a war Vet) and I told him I jog by there when I jog on the JRP and I love the view and that I would come visit any time I jogged up there.  We talked a lot about Camp Williams and its view.  He must have known.  He told Sheri two weeks ago to put her name only on the accounts.  On Saturday after the marathon I got a call in the afternoon from Sheri. " John needs to know how your marathon went.  He keeps asking about it."  Then Monday night as I walked into his room he said "hello there kiddo how did your race go?" and that was the last of much more coherent conversation as on Tuesday he just got worse.  His last few years have been hard.  I spent the last few hours cleaning his room and sad for how he felt he had to live--- in the dark, with tin foil on the windows.  Rarely did he leave the house.  Sheri took such good care of him for so many years.   His children don't even want to come to the funeral.  Years of regret/anguish.  But this man has changed over the past few years...more mellow and more sincere.  I got in my car this morning to take my daughter and her friends to school and of all songs to hear play on Troy's oldie favorites was:  Bye Bye My friend its hard to die.  When all the birds are singing in the sky....We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun.....Its the Torcher for Tears song.  I just began to sob.  Sob for all that have lived and loved and passed on in my life.    And then....I realized why more and more that I run.  I run to get emotions out to turn my life around when things are hard and to show myself I can make it through anything.  What now?  I plan to run my 50 miler in dedication to John as he lies peacefully on the other side.  I know he is feeling much better there.