After a 4 month hiatus, I feel like I should explain myself. After all, this is essentially a glorified diary masquerading as a running log.
During the summer of 2017 I worked as an overnight stocker at Walmart. Almost immediately after working the night shift I began to feel discontent and somewhat miserable, but I waved it aside, assuming after the summer I'd feel normal again. However, I never did. I actually got steadily worse, until it culminated to something I attempted that I'm not proud of and don't think it's too appropriate to speak of on here. But, I'm still alive, and after I was kept in the hospital for a few days I was diagnosed with severe depression and released. It was embarrassing and admittedly scary, having to spend a few days in the psych ward section of the hospital with people very mentally disturbed while at my lowest was tough. But, by doing this I was given access to the medication I needed to get better. I spent the next few months really focusing on myself. I think I filled up my time with things like running and many other distractions to put off figuring out myself and developing as an individual, so I spent the past few months maturing and becoming someone I can look at in the mirror and be proud to be. What likely happened to cause the depression in the first place was by altering my circadian rhythms by working overnights, I created an imbalance of serotonin in my brain, causing depression. At least that's what my therapist said. Luckily as soon as I got released I was able to bounce back very quickly and I'm in a much better place now and truly believe life is worth living. I'd like to end this summary of the past few months by saying that while things, like running fast or excelling in school, are important, never underestimate being happy, or think it isn't important. Coming from someone who spent months thinking they'd never be happy again... I'd just suggest cherishing every moment you feel the feeling, even if it's for no reason.
I don't really know what my drive for running is anymore. College running doesn't appeal to me anymore, I'd rather focus on enjoying the social aspects of college when I'm not too enveloped in school. However, my favorite aspect of running was always running fast and getting the feeling of accomplishment by setting a PR at some trivial distance. I've lost essentially any fitness I'd culminated since starting this blog in 2015, but I'm probably lighter than I was when running due to losing muscle and a college diet only consisting of rice, beans, and the "occasional" beer. So, I don't know why I'm running. I'd like to get to around 60 miles a week and stay there, so I'd only be spending about an hour a day committing and would still have time for everything else going on in my life, and just see how in shape I can make myself. No pressure to run fast, no races to stress about. Just me going out there to work to become the best Eugene I can be.
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