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June 21, 2024

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Day 219 - 1.1

Last night at work was rough....VERY rough.  Here at work I got to experience the wrong end of harassment, homophobia, and transphobia.......by none other than....my best friend?  WHAT!?! 

She had me fooled for a long time.  For the past year she told me she completely supported me in every way possible and that she had lesbian friends and understood everything. (Yes, I am a lesbian and a transgender woman, in case anyone isn't aware).

Last night, completely out of the blue, unprovoked, and unexpectedly, she lashed out at me and went on a tirade that lasted most of the night.  She obviously knows nothing about me and how I've suffered my entire life, living in a body that does not match the gender with which I identify.  I would gladly share the final text message she sent to me.  The very text message that hurt me deeply, more than I've ever been hurt in my entire life....BUT....That's not who I am. 

I am not out to seek revenge, but I would like to share with anyone that reads this, just how disturbed I am about the whole incident and to remind everyone to be careful.  There are still hateful, misinformed, judgemental, discriminatory, prejudiced, narrow-minded bigots out there, even the people that you thought you knew.  People you trust and hold close to your heart. Now THAT's a scary thought and I just lived it.  Obiously, she is no longer my friend. 

I have a moral obligation to report her actions to the higher-ups, because it happened here at work.  I work for the federal government and that type of behavior is not tolerated.

I'm still feeling the sting 24 hours later :(

Night Sleep Time: 0.00Nap Time: 0.00Total Sleep Time: 0.00Weight: 172.00
Comments
From Rhett on Thu, Mar 29, 2018 at 09:58:12 from 66.185.238.62

So sorry to hear that. Each person is loved by God and we should all show love and compassion to everyone else even when we can't completely understand what they have gone through and are going through. I hope you are able to keep your head up and push forward with those things that bring you happiness.

From Addison on Thu, Mar 29, 2018 at 10:32:44 from 67.164.200.49

Thank you Rhett! That's very nice of you to say.

This one is tough, but I'm doing my best to continue pushing forward and not let things like that bother me.

Thanks Rhett, you're comment helped me feel a little better!

From allie on Thu, Mar 29, 2018 at 13:05:01 from 73.97.187.130

i'm sorry to hear that. i imagine this road is very difficult, but i'm glad you don't have to feel like you are suffering your way through life anymore, and that you can be your full self.

happiness #1 :)

From Addison on Thu, Mar 29, 2018 at 14:44:32 from 67.164.200.49

Hi Allie :)

You are so correct, this road is very difficult and it's been getting a little rougher each week. I am so grateful for so many people that have been accepting and supportive. I'm still pretty bummed about the things she said to me. While I'm normally very forgiving, what she said is unforgivable. In all honesty, I was finally coming out of my shell and being more outgoing and gaining self-confidence. I was finding it easier to talk to people. But now, I feel as though her comments have pushed me back even further, and that's not good. I'm trying so very hard to not let one person take me down, but one person's words stick with you forever.

But you know what? I'll be ok. Everything is going to be fine.

Thank you for your sweet comment. Happiness is What's most important to me. I do not best to find positivity in everything. The positive that comes from this is, she is a very negative person, and no longer in my life. That's a big positive, in my opinion.

Thanks Allie :) are you getting settled into your new home in Seattle? I still want to move there some day. I've always wanted to live there. I've never been, but it's always called my name. Lol

From Burt on Sat, Apr 14, 2018 at 16:51:05 from 70.176.85.97

So, let me get this right. You want to be a woman, but you're still attracted to women. Hence, the transgender lesbian. Did I get that right? I'm just asking because as your friend, I don't want to say something as a joke (as I always do), and make you offended. Although, I hope you know me well enough by now, that I wouldn't intentionally hurt your feelings. Even though we've never met in real life. LOL!

From Addison on Sat, Apr 14, 2018 at 17:20:12 from 67.164.200.49

Hey there Mr. Burt. I know you well enough that you wouldn't intentionally hurt me or anyone else, for that matter. You're a good person with an awesome sense of humor. You are correct that I am a transgender lesbian. Although, technically, because I identify as female and have always felt like a female that was born with the wrong body, I like to think of it this way; I AM a woman and and I am taking the necessary steps to transform my body to match the gender with which I identify. I hope that makes sense.

In case I haven't mentioned this before, I have suffered from what is called Gender Dysphoria Disorder. It is a disorder that is more common than a lot of people are aware and it doesn't only affect males that identify as female, but equally as much for females that identify as male. Over the past few years, now that it is becoming more well known, a lot of younger people Are coming forawrd and transitoning at a younger age, which is great.

But no worries, Burt, I also have an awesome sense of humor and I can laugh at myself about this stuff. For instance, when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and see my face, which happens to appear 30 years older than my body, I say to myself, "Dang, you are one ugly woman with a rockin' bod." Then I laugh out loud. LOL. Laughing is a great way to start the day. LOL. Am I right?!

From Burt on Sat, Apr 14, 2018 at 21:12:54 from 70.176.85.97

I have posed the question before from a Mormon standpoint - is it possible that a female spirit could come to earth and inhabit a male body? I then was rebuked by other people who say that there is no way God would make a mistake like that. But things happen all the time. Does God really send each spirit into the body that it needs to inhabit? I don't know. I know that, well I believe that, there is no one person that I'm "destined" to be with for all eternity. You meet someone. You fall in love. You work on eternity together. But there are times when the hand of God is in it. Does every single missionary get sent to the mission they were "destined" to go go? Nope. More often than not, they're filling the voids. But there are times when the hand of God is in it. So I don't know, and nor do they. Only God knows.

From Addison on Sat, Apr 14, 2018 at 22:30:05 from 67.164.200.49

Hey Mr.Burt, it's interesting, because I have had this debate many times with my ex-wife since December. First let me state that I am not a religious person, never have been...but I believe in God, through no particular religion. I don't have anything against religion at all, its just not for me. Now I'll get back to my story....My ex-wife, who grew up in an LDS family, has posed the same question, "God would not make a mistake like that. Why would God do that to people?" I tried to look at it and explain it from many standpoints. It finally hit me one day, and I explained that to her in these words, (But first, please excuse me if I say any of this the wrong way, it's not my intention to discredit any region or offend anyone, whatsoever). I said this to her, "God creates each of us, but once the child is in the womb, biology takes over. These changes occur during the biological process while the baby is growing." I then began to explain about chromosomes and this and that. She seemed satisfied after that conversation, but whether she believes it or not, that's ok because that's her opinion and I respect other people's opinions whether we agree or not. But honestly, I believe biology is the major player. But I also believe, if I were religious, that if God did create people this way, then there was a good reason for doing it. I don't look at it as a bad thing. We're still people with feelings and minds who can love just like everyone else. I tell my daughter, who happens to be struggling with I1, that I am still the exact same person inside that I've always been. I still have the same goofy sense of humor, I still love to run, I still love working on guitars, I still love learning psychology, etc., etc. I pray, yes, I do pray to God, that she will come around, eventually, and be ok with it. I pray quite often for those who are suffering. Does it help? I don't know, but I hope it helps.

All I know is, while I am under a great deal of stress and anxiety as I've come out to people I know and care about, and really stressing about coming out at work in the near future, I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life, because I can finally be me. :)

From Burt on Sun, Apr 15, 2018 at 11:11:19 from 70.176.85.97

Another belief many in the LDS church have is that children born with Down Syndrome or other mental ailments were put here this way because of their nobility or their roll in the war in Heaven wherein they proved themselves, and therefore they only need to come to earth to obtain a physical body. Now I believe that to be the case with some. But with all of them? I don't think so. I believe biology can take over, also. It's part of life. But what do I know?

From Addison on Sun, Apr 15, 2018 at 11:50:29 from 66.87.127.100

Hey there Burt....I'm with you on that one....and what do I know? Lol. I don't know much, or maybe too much and that's why my mind is constantly running full speed, day and night, which is why I need Ambien to slow down my brain so I can fall asleep. Lol

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