This is something I wrote while I was in a PHP program, nearing 2 months of treatment. Just weeks before I started ketamine infusions, which would turn everything around for me. I only share this to show the drastic changes that have happened because I found the right treatment.
“I don't see there ever being a time when I don't struggle. Bipolar disorder never "goes away." For me, it's always going to be a fight. And I'm just so tired. So tired of trying, of fighting, of pushing off the inevitable. It's just so hard.
People say "please stay" or "choose to stay" as if it's that easy not to think about or attempt suicide. It's not. It's really not. I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for 4 years and depressed for years before that. And it's not getting any better. I've tried more medications than I can remember, I've tried ECT, I've tried in-patient hospitals, I've tried therapy, I've tried residential treatment, I'm in a partial hospitalization program, I've tried an intensive outpatient program, and it's always come back. And sometimes, I don't think it's something that the right medication or the right treatment can fix. I've spent thousands of dollars on treatments and I'm. Still. Struggling. I've chosen to "stay" many many MANY times. But I'm just so tired of fighting this battle.
I honestly believe that someday, even if it's not soon, I will die by suicide. And when that happens, I will have let down far more people than I would if I just committed suicide tomorrow.
Anyways, I know that my death would hurt the people close to me. I know that. But I'm damned if I commit suicide, and damned if I don't. Sure, me "choosing to stay" hurts less people, but for once I'm tired of thinking about everyone else. I'm hurting.”
Looking back at this, I’m filled with emotion because I wrote that. I was that depressed. And by some miracle, I’m still here and I don’t have those same thoughts and beliefs.
I’m grateful for life, for a treatment that works, for the chance to live life without debilitating depression. I don’t know how I got through 4 years of being plagued with suicidal thoughts. But I’m grateful I did.
I was so close to quitting. I was ready to call it. Ketamine literally saved my life. My life is completely changed (and is still going) because of it.
The last time I had suicidal thoughts was over a year ago, and I checked myself into the hospital. I caught it myself. That’s incredible.
I have been on a trajectory of healing for 2 years now. It’s almost been 2 years since I started ketamine treatments. 2 years!
I’m 27 years old. I didn’t think I’d live past 25. I’m just grateful.
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