Sometimes life hands us lemons...or tries to kill us....or simply demands only a finish. Today was one of those days. I didn't do a very good job of making lemonade, but I am alive and stronger and can cross the finish off the list. I'll have to back up a few days for you to understand my mind set (excuses) going into this race. I really had a ______ week (fill in any number of negative adjectives or expletives, I think they all passed through my head at one point or another during the race). Due to issues with my 8 year old son I'm ready to send to boot camp and a friend losing her husband and the rest of life I think my cortisol levels were at a record high and I didn't really do anything about them. I was tapering and emotional. Worry and stress, that was the name of the game. Next add in what I sat and watched for hours on end unfold from my bedroom window Friday....SNOW! Lots and lots of snow. Cold, wet, slippery, I don't want to be running in Snow. Didn't help the stress/worry factor. I've never wanted to NOT even start a race SO bad in my life. I'd honestly almost given up before I started. Another not so good sign. Because of my stress/worry I'd get to 4:30 or so in the afternoon and realize I should probably eat something. Yeah, fueling? hydrating? SO beneath me. I could hammer this baby out and just get it done with no problem. I knew I had the miles and climbing in my legs. I got a little cocky. People were talking about what they were packing and how they were prepping Friday night. Didn't do any such thing. Went to bed at 1AM for no good reason....woke up at 4:00 to get ready to go. Can you see this deck of cards getting ready to tumble yet? Because I sure couldn't at that point. I still thought I was golden...HA! The drive up to Antelope Island was CRAZY! Out here in the South and West side of the valley the roads were horrendous. The snow hadn't stopped all night and I was trying to maneuver my little Honda Civic through 6 inches of unplowed snow all the way to the freeway. Getting on the freeway my tires weren't catching and I couldn't turn to merge. I came awfully close to smashing into a barricade. I decided at that point I didn't care if I was 2 hours late for the race, I was going to get there alive. Luckily by 9000 South I could finally relax my grip on the wheel and breathe for a bit, by the the time I hit Murray it looked just like a simple little rain storm. Then came Davis County. Snow storm? What snow storm?!? Dry roads, clear skies, no snow in sight! Excellent. I was happy the lake effect snow had all gone SOUTH. The Island was the same, dry trails, clear skies....MIRACLE! It was cold, but I can deal with 20 degree temps, I didn't want to deal with 32 miles of wet, slippery, muddy, yucky trail. Things were looking up. I went into the tent, met Kelli, saw jun just after he had finished a KILLER 100 mile race and was inspired with stories of how bitterly cold the night had been. Put on a few extra layers ran into Dave, Marci and Brad and after some chat time with everyone went outside and lined up to start. Marci and Brad and I all started together, but we lost Brad when the trail went single track. The first few miles of uphill are always a good start to kick your butt. It was there I started noticing how fatigued my legs seemed. Already tired. No juice. Keep drinking, fueling...we'll plug in here in a few, right? At the first time through elephant head (EH) aid station I took off my hat and just kept my visor and ear covers. Still too cold to drop anything else, but the rising sun was helping the cold factor...until you caught the wind :) I was finally starting to feel okay on the downhill after then and even on the switchbacks I ran almost the whole way! A LOT more than I did last year. See? Things were good. Marci's friend had caught up to us at this point and they mtn goated on the rest of the switchbacks while I power walked. I eventually caught them and beat them back to EH, but then we all took off together after a quick fuel stop. It was on the bottom of that first loop I noticed how tired my legs still were. Even slight little uphills were kicking my trash. Marci kept pulling ahead and I'd eventually catch up, but my legs were shot. I just kept thinking about all the crappy crap that had happened all week. Lack of preparation. My legs hurt. No wonder, idiot. I can drop at the first loop and just do the 25K, right? easy. I'll do that. No, you can do this. You're keeping up okay with Marci. She'll slow down the second loop. You've got the endurance in you. Just finish up. Once more around. My legs hurt. I had a really ____ week last week. I didn't fuel right.... On and on and on this conversation ensued in my head. Looking back I should've told Marci to just leave me and run her race and plug into my ipod and get my butt moving, but I used poor Marci to try and pull me through. I left the turn around aid station (White Rock) and started my second loop a little before Marci, but figured it gave me an excuse to walk until she caught up. My legs are tight. My feet hurt. I don't want to do this. Heaven help me. Here we go. Once more around this figure eight. Marci caught up and we made it up the hill on a run/walk program as we could and she would pull ahead and I'd use all my mental energy to force myself to run and catch up. She really pulled me through SO much! I don't know how to thank her for being my pure motivation at times. I knew if Marci could do it, I could do it! Marci pulled ahead of me on the flat/downhill before the climb to EH, but I kept going knowing she'd wait for me at the aid station. She did. I NEEDED something other than gu/blocks/gatorade/coke in my gut. I had some oranges and a bite or two of PB sandwich. I was really cussing my hubby for eating all of my PB pretzels I'd planned on bringing at this point, but it was only a small voice :) I thought that would bring me back...nope. Not even the downhill after that! I had to stop and get a rock out of my shoe and I just kept looking forward to the hills where I knew I'd have an excuse to walk, and Marci would too. On the approach to the switchbacks she picked it up and ran. I was beginning the height of my breakdown. Pity party for one. I never caught her again, but simply watched her fade off into the distance and would occasionally spot her FAR head on the trail when you could see the trail ahead. She was killing it. Our goal to go sub 6:00 after a 2:45ish half was going to be easy for her, I knew it. So, now I have my full breakdown. I try to run, but figure it is futile. Anyone who knows me knows I don't give up easily, but I was done. I speculated about just sitting on the trail or sleeping on the side for a few hours. I would've given anything to just lay down and put my feet up. I didn't care that I'd be a quitter. Everyone would understand given my _____ week before, right?!? No one would tell me I was a pansy. You all would've been SO supportive of my decision to drop. I've got Boston, right? See the crazy I have to deal with?!? Well, after a good couple miles of walking and contemplating and five women passing me (yes, I counted them all, because I knew there were only a handful of women in front of us when we started our 2nd loop and I was sure we'd place top ten!) I broke down. My mind went to my son. One thing I kept talking to him about was doing things he didn't want to do. We all have to do stuff we don't want to do. It stinks! I know. But, we do them, because we know it is the right thing to do, that it is what we've been asked to do and THEN we can do the things we want to do. Learning this lesson is what life is all about. Do what you don't want to do first, then what you want to do seems that much sweeter. I started crying. Full on sobbing. Well, the sixth woman to pass me came by at this moment. She asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, just emotional at that moment. Food? No, I'd just grabbed a block. I'd realized something....I thought I'd given my all. I thought I was done. I didn't want to do this anymore. BUT, I had to do the thing I didn't want to do. This was my time to show my son that I too will do what I don't want to do first. I wouldn't give in. It would be hard, but I could do it. I'd trained for this and gosh darn it, I was going to prove to myself that I could finish and to my son that I would be willing to do the things I didn't want to do. It would be worth it. I picked it up. I started running more and not just walking. I did still walk and my run was slow. My hamstrings were SO tight. Occasionally my knee or something in that area would bark at me. I'd ignore it. My feet hurt SO bad! I just wanted to put them up, or run on a cloud. But, I kept going. I got to the last pass through EH. Grabbed some fuel and liquid in my hand held water bottle and asked how many miles it was to the finish. Just under 5. I took my leg warmers and arm warmers off, threw them in the bag and set off. Five miles, just five miles. Easy day run. I can do this. Beside the one last uphill it is really all downhill. Do it. You can do it. I plugged into my ipod (for the first time...why didn't I think of THIS earlier?!?) and told the voices in my head to shut up. I even reeled in and passed a few people including the 6th lady I'd embarrassed myself infront of by sobbing like a baby in a race! I guess I had my pride again :) There were a couple of horseback riders in front of me at one point and I cussed out loud at them (quietly and they were still far away) to move, because I certainly wasn't in any mood to deal with being behind horses at that point. I'd kick THEM if they didn't move :) Yes, I was not the most pleasant person at this point. I rounded the last corner of the upper trail and could see the finish tent. It seemed MILES away, but I was going to do this. I could make it. I just plugged in and went. Until I got to the first little uphill. I saw it and thought, YAY! I can walk :) Looking for any excuse, really. A guy then passed me. Crap. Whatever. I followed him the last .3 mile to the finish and as I approached I saw jun on the road. He jumped up and down and yelled for me and was dancing around! I felt SO embarrassed that I felt exhausted and had this cruddy meltdown. This guy had just run 100 miles and was putting me to SHAME for my pathetic excuse of a 50K race! I wanted him to sit down and look as horrible as I felt :) I really appreciated the encouragement though. It really made my day to see him there and to get some cheers into the finish. I needed positive! After crossing the line they gave me my mug and chocolate milk, took off my chip and I walked into the tent and collapsed on the floor! Finally. My dreams came true. There was no more gravity on my feet. I know this is a horrible thing to do and it isn't good for my heart and the fact that I felt like I was passing out after I laid down wasn't good, but I did NOT want to be on my feet any longer. A medical person came and asked me if I was okay. I said "yes, all my dreams are coming true! This is all I've wanted to do for the last 20 miles!" They chuckled and walked away. I eventually made it outside and chatted with Marci, jun, Leslie, Neasts, Kendall, Matt and a gazillion other people I know I'm forgetting right now. I then went to the car and changed out of my wet clothes and into my dry, warm stuff and wrapped my blanket around me and headed back to the tent with my cup in hand. I wanted stew! After more visiting and fun conversations about the race we watched Kelli and Scott finish his 50 miler. Oh man. I was in awe watching the 100 and 50 milers finish. Those guys are amazing. Shortly after that I claimed my sunglasses I won in the raffle and took off for home. A long day, finally over. When I got home I collapsed in bed and put my feet up. Craig wanted to go to dinner I told him to bring it to me...I wasn't moving. Well, he wanted Mexican. Shoot. Gotta go for the chips and salsa! So, my hubby may or may not have carried me to the car because I could hardly move :) My hammies were SO SO SO tight and my feet SO tender!! I still hadn't showered, but wasn't completely stinky. The people at the restaurant were nice to me anyway :) After a good nights rest and some ibuprofen Sunday was manageable, but I still had some mental hang over. Still do to be honest. I'm going back next year. I'm going to prove to myself that I'm better than a 6+ hour 50K. I know I can beat that by 45+ minutes. It will take some good mental energy, but I think I'm up to the challenge. I will conquer that course! I'm not going to give up again. I will have a greater mental resolve and will bring my A game and not underestimate the course. As some have pointed out, I still finished 5th in my AG and 13th overall, but I guess I really don't care. I know that I'm better than that. I know what I'm capable of and a 6:08 on that course isn't it. I have plenty of excuses, but it really just boils down to me. Next year, I will be there. Next year, I will conquer. Next year, no excuses. Next year, I'll prove to myself I'm better than that, because I am.
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