Celebrated Thanksgiving with my boss and his family, then went for a late night (11 PM) 11 mile easy run (7:38 average pace). Ran to 13th East, to 27th South, to Highland, to 21st South, to 9th East, and back home. Nice and chill.
I was thinking on my run about all of the things I have to be thankful for. There are many: I have many wonderful opportunities in life, I'm healthy and able to run, I have a wonderful family that supports me, I live in a place that allows me to enjoy the outdoors, and much more. However, one thing sticks out to me, and I hope it's something that those of you who read this will keep in mind this holiday season. What I am most thankful for lately is my honesty and integrity regarding my beliefs.
For the first ten years of my life, my parents were pretty anti-theistic and for good reason. Something unbelievably tragic happened to one of my parents as a youth, something that no-one should ever have to go through, and it happened in the name of Jesus Christ. Nevertheless, when I was roughly ten, my mother became an Evangelical Christian, which meant that my entire family ended up "accepting" the doctrine of Christianity. I was a good kid growing up; I wanted to honor my parents, and because I knew them to be excellent people, I wanted to obey them. However, this came at a cost.
While I professed a Christian faith, deep down, my young rational mind could not fully accept my religion. How could I trust in a god that intentionally degraded women and told them to remain silent in church (1st Corinthians 14:34)? How could I trust in a god whose believers were purportedly not chosen on merit, but rather on the blind luck of being born into family that followed the right rituals (your odds of being a Christian are astronomically higher if born to Christian parents)? How could I trust in a god who requires the murder of an entire town if one member of that town didn't believe in him (Deuteronomy 13:13-19)? How could I trust in a god who requires the murder of anyone that works on a Sunday (Exodus 31:15)? How could I trust in a god that condoned not just slavery, but of selling women into sex slavery (Exodus 21:7)? How could I trust in a god that purportedly created me with doubts and yet will banish me to hell for my disbelief? As an aside, don't get me wrong; I'm not trying to proselytize. I'm just trying to give an idea as to where I was coming from.
Unfortunately, these thoughts led to a feeling of shame while growing up. My friends at church professed their faith, but I knew at my core that I could never accept this belief system. Being a non-believer is inherently "dirty". As George Bush Sr said, "No, I don't know that atheists should be regarded as citizens, nor should they be regarded as patriotic. This is one nation under God.… I support the separation of church and state. I'm just not very high on atheists." As a recent study demonstrated, North Americans are more inclined to suspect atheists than rapists for theft. So, not wanting to be looked down upon and not wanting to disappoint my friends and family, I continued to lie to myself and others about my deepest feelings.
However, once I entered graduate school, things began to change for me. While I was being mentored by some of the smartest individuals in the world, I came to realize that reason and rational thought are concepts to be cherished, not to be looked down upon, and finally, I became willing to admit that I am, and always have been a non-believer.
Since this admission, I have become truly happy with my life. I no longer possess a sense of internal conflict and shame; in fact, my life has become considerably more meaningful. Knowing that I have one chance to truly make a difference for humanity makes me all the more inclined to work hard to improve the lives of others through my scientific research. Knowing that the world came about through an evolution over the course of billions of years makes it all the more remarkable and breathtaking. Knowing that I may be considered an untrustworthy person due to my values of sincerity, intellectual integrity, reason, and rational thought is no longer a concern. Knowing that not all of those that I previously knew would currently accept me is no longer a concern. My happiness is simply more important.
The best thing in all of this is that my family has undergone a similar trajectory. They are no longer theistic or anti-theistic, but just good people that dedicate their lives to improving the world. Even if they were still evangelicals, I realize now that they were never defined by this; as good people, their love has always been unconditional and they would always have accepted me regardless of my beliefs.
This holiday season, I am thankful for being able to be radically honest with myself and others as to what I believe. I most certainly do not have the universe figured out, but I am truly happy about being able to admit that. Life is a special thing and I'm thankful for what I have in mine right now. I'm not sure exactly why I've chosen to post this here, but I suppose it's because of the fact that I've read a lot of cool personal details about a lot of the other local runners in Utah on here and just felt like sharing some things about me. My goal is not to offend, so I sincerely hope I have not done so. Ok, off to bed now...
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