THOU SHALT BE A COMEBACK

I'm going to bed, and doubt I will get a run today.  Selection Sunday.  Thoughts for today.  Wichita State.  I live in basketball madness, USA.  Discuss.  :)

Spring break is not a break.  Dismal 3 day off but my motivation plummeted--couldn't get myself on the treadmill since I have Vanessa.  Today we went to a track after the board meeting and before work and she played in the 'sandbox' while I ran laps.  :)  4.5 weeks from Boston and my training is sub-par.  I am going to run Boston for joy and fun and not even sweat the time at this point.  I will do whatever my body allows that day.  And then, I suspect I will disappear into ultraworld and may never return.

Well, it's a month before Boston, and I am struggling.  I worked all night, came home, and crawled into bed.  I slept pretty good because Vanessa watched tv and netflix all day.

I feel horrible.  We've had too many days like this.  When I got up, there was time to run before work but I just couldn't get on the treadmill and essentially ignore my daughter some more.  We read books and did other stuff instead. 

I hate the treadmill.  I just cannot make myself stare at that cabinet any more.  I love running, the ground beneath  my feet, the freedom, I do--but I do not love running on the treadmill while my child is babysat by electronics.  It's just a chore. 

I'm about to vent a little--I'm having a harder and harder time reconciling single parenthood, work, and running.  Working at night is killing me.  Running outside can only occur when Vanessa is at school, or if I run laps on a track and pray she occupies herself, or if I get a babysitter.  That is it.  I cannot just up and run outside.  Usuallly when she is in school, I need to be sleeping.  I've been foregoing sleep for the last two years but maybe I have aged because I cannot handle it any more.  I drag at work, I struggle at 3am, and then when she is on spring break I sleep all day and she watches tv, and then, what, get up and run while she watches more tv???  I feel like a terrible horrible mother.  I feel more and more like I am maybe putting my needs first instead of hers.

I'm no longer training.  I'm running when I can for maintenance and I will be able to enjoy Boston, hang with my girl Julie, enjoy my vacation from reality.  But beyond that I'm not sure where to go with it.

I've had my time in the sun.  I have ran my sub-3, I have won my races, I have run my 100 miles.  To everything there is a season.  Now may be the time to run for fitness only, and no longer pressure myself to not sleep or stare at my cabinet on the treadmill.

I work at night.  I raise my child, and she is young and needs me, she will only be so young once.  I'm tired.  This is just the feeling of the day, tomorrow I'm sure I will be on the treadmill, but I am really re-thinking priorities and trying to decide how I should structure our lifestyle, mine and Vanessa's, for the next few years while she is still so young and needs me.  I will of course be doing some praying but today I was so sad that my child watched tv for 8 hours.

I spent the morning making cookies and writing and reading with my angel, and she played happily while I put in a little time on the home treddy.  I am so vain, so vain that I don't want my chubby self to be seen at the Y running because of a bit too much comfort food this month.  Hopefully I can run long on Monday while Vanessa is in school if my motivation allows.  I have a month to at least get to a comfortable weight to enjoy my run in Boston.  20 minute warm-up, 10 x 1min on/off 6:00 pace, cooldown.