TexasLindsey

5 miles at 8:54/m

8 miles at 9:01/m.

 Ever since NYC marathon got cancelled, I have been in a kind of depression.  Can't explain it except that I was looking forward to it, obsessing about it for so long and then ... fizzle.  My husband and I arrived in NYC and three hours later the announcement was made.  We decided to just vacation in mid-town instead.  I had never been to NYC and my husband and I hadn't been on vacation without children since our honeymoon 7 years ago.  So we made the most of it.  I posted some pictures on facebook of us having fun and an old friend from high school blasted me for being selfish and having fun while Staton Island was in disaster.  So not only did the whole NYC marathon dream get deflated but I actually feel guilty like I did something wrong.... like ashamed.  I don't know what we could have done to help.  The ferries to Staton Island were shut down most of the time we were there.  We were in mid-town where everything was working fine and there was no damage. 

I've been depressed ever since.    That Sandy Hook School Shooting only through me deeper into it.  I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.  My mother is an elementary school teacher.   She taught 1st grade for 12 years while I was growing up.   I can't imagine the horror of this event.  I can't stop thinking of the pain the parents of those babies shot must feel.  I haven't run with my friends though I've been running by myself every once in a while.  I've gained 6-7 pounds.  I'm drinking too much.   

 I'm trying to pull myself out of this funk.  Geez... 2012 sure kicked my butt.   This has been a rough year.  I've been hanging onto sanity by a thread.  I started out the year trying to decide whether to go back to work.  It was an anguishing decision but we determined that we needed the money.  So in May I went back to work after being a stay at home mom for 4 years.  The guilt I feel about dropping my babies at daycare for 10 hours a day is tremendous.  I have less time to myself.  I have a demanding job.  I can't keep up with the running that I used to.... which is another thing I feel guilty about.  So 2012 is the year of guilty feeling I would say.  I hate reading all my posts from this year where I was complaining.  2011 my posts were positive and upbeat.  I guess we just have good and bad years sometimes.

I'm trying to figure out how to make 2013 a much better year.  I know I can do this.  I have pulled myself out of funks time and time again.  I have overcome major obstacles in my life and succeeded even better than I had hoped to at goals I set for myself.  

I think first step is to pick a race to concentrate on.... a good half marathon.  I am always in my best form when I have a running goal to focus on.  I do better at everything else in my life and my mental state is very positive.   I'm going to pick something that will be end of January.  One thing I'm going to have to get over is that I am not in peak form.  I won't be running any 7:15 pace in this one... I will have to figure out a way to be proud of a 8:30/m pace.  Hey, you gotta start somewhere, right?   

12 miles at Trinity River with my friends at 7am.  Weather= 36F, 5mph wind, cloudy.

miles 1-6:  

8:40, 8:23, 8:16 , 8:21, 8:23, 8:29

 miles 7-12:

9:04, 9:13, 9:33, 9:41, 9:34, 9:50

So a few things... I met up with my friends who I feel like I have no business running with at the moment.  They have been all running marathons while I have been slacking...   I can't even keep up a conversation because I am out of breath.  There were a total of 6 of us girls today.  I struggled the first two miles.  At the two mile water stop, I told them I would slow down and not keep up...  but then I didn't.  

I guess what I would call my pride kicked in... and it wouldn't let me slow down.   So for miles 3-6 I actually was slightly ahead of everyone else.  I had to just focus on myself and the techno dance/trance music in my iPod and that was it.  With both earbuds in my ears I powered through the pain.  Oh, the pain.

The rest of the girls were on a slow, easy, long run where they talked and laughed.  I used to do that with them when I was in shape, but today I was on a stupid, ill advised run where I pushed myself harder and longer than my current fitness.   In order to go this pace, I had to ignore people and focus on my own breathing and mechanics.  

I think my friends are getting tired of me doing this thing where I don't talk and instead put my ipod in and plow ahead of them.  I don't blame them.  However, if I didn't do it, I'd be in much more pain and I'm sure I couldn't keep up with them right now.  

This is the story of 2012.  I'm always doing this to them because this year I have constantly been out of shape (as compared to previous years).  They all could kick my ass in races.  I know that!   I'm sensing that they might think I'm trying to be competitive or that I'm not social. 

When we are at water breaks, I tell them the reason I'm plowing ahead and not talking while running.  I say that I'm trying to focus so I don't fall behind because this is so hard for me. I get the sense that they don't either don't understand or they are tired of it.   I understand and I don't blame them.

So anyways.  After 6 miles, the rest of my friends were going on and turning around at mile 8 for a total of 16 for the day.  I decided that I should turn around at 6 for 12.  I slowed way down when they left me.

Biggest problem was that after I slowed down my legs seemed to freeze up.  Not sure if that was because of being out of shape or because of the weather since after I slowed down my body felt WAY colder than it did when I was running faster... maybe it was a combo.  I was really uncomfortable running back because my legs felt stiff.  Had some trouble with my IT band on mile 11.  Glad I turned around when I did.  

Progress is progress though.  And I've decided for my next goal:  I'm doing Benbrook 1/2 marathon on Jan 26, and Cowtown FULL marathon on Feb 24.  Neither will PR... but it will be a success if I overcome this "depression" funk and lost these 6 pounds I've gained during it.