Hey, hey, folks. Welcome to Bam’s Blog. My name’s Tiddles Maloney of The Sporting Universe – the top selling sports magazine in the universe. Wow, have I got a scandal for you today. But first, I have to tell you that Bam and I were up nice and early this morning (6:30). Bam dropped out a cheeky little 8 miler, as I followed on a bike.
Yesterday I left you with the 20 quick questions teaser thingy-ma-bob. Things have changed. Bam’s candid recounting of his bamboozling and scandalous escapades have flummoxed me. His duplicity has left me dumbfounded. I didn’t get round to asking Bam the other 19 questions. But I will...
Before we set out on our 8 miler this morning, I watched Bam doing his AIS. He took care with each and every movement. Disciplined and precise. Rhythmic. He told me he felt tired and that his legs were a bit stiff, but overall he was fine. It was strange to see him sprawled out on the floor, nonchalantly stretching in the same living-room where he had only hours earlier told me something that he’d never told a living soul. A secret he’d carried for over thirty years. And perhaps, buried somewhere in the subtext of his words lies a clue to what makes this complex man tick.
Here’s what happened last night:
I was sat at the computer in the corner of the apple-green coloured living-room, having gone over my notes and Bam was sat on a sofa, watching the Olympic boxing. It was about 10:30 p.m. Bam’s wife and kids had hit zed-land. I thought I should get my first question in. So, after some small talk, I fired off the question:
T.M. - Is it true that you cheated your way into the final of the English national 3,000m championships and if so, how and why?
(He carried on watching the boxing and answered after about two or three seconds)
Bam.- I was only 16 and it was the English Schools Track and Field Championships in Yeovil, Somerset in 1981. I was on a four man team representing the British Forces Education Services in Germany. The other three lads were doing field events. In fact, I was the first ever person to represent the B.F.E.S. on the track in the English schools. The qualifying standard for the 3,000m’s was 8:57. If you had the standard and won your respective county championships, you qualified. Only 14 people qualified, so it was a straight final. (There were many more than 14 who had done the time but they might have been in the 1,500m or the 800m or they might not have won their relevant county championships. If you were coming from the British Forces Education Services Abroad – you just had to do the time.)
T.M. – So you did the time and qualified. I don’t understand – where’s the cheating?
(He turned and gave me a hard look. His dark eyes revealed nothing. A skill, perhaps, he’s mastered over the years.)
Bam – I didn’t say that I’d done the time.
To be continued…
Hey, hey, Tiddles here. Sorry to leave so abruptly but I had to nip into town with Bam and the kids. He bought Running Times (not a jot on The Sporting Universe) Nearly 6 Euro and I believe that folks in the US get it at a smidgeon of that price.
He did a 6 miler this evening. About the same pace as this morning, although he did appear to be moving with more fluency. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes…
Bam – I didn’t do the time.
(He looks around the room. I notice photographs on the mantelpiece above the open fireplace.) Bam’s a chunky fella in the shots. He’s shed some lard since those pics were snapped. His eyes come back on me.)
Bam - I ran 9:48 in a local race and changed the certificate to 8:48 and then took it to my teacher – he wouldn’t have known 8:48 from 10:48, he just knew I was the best runner in the school and the best runner in Germany (in a B.F.E.S. school - not hard) and he duly sent off the certificate to whomever. Next thing I knew, I was selected and told I’d be staying with a family in Taunton – near Yeovil – and given the dates when we’d be flying etc.
T.M. - Hold up. Whatd’ya mean, you changed the certificate?
Bam – This was back in the days of typewriters; there were no computers. I used Tipex paper – you know, you pop the paper over the character you want to remove, type the character and it’s gone. Vanished. So I removed the ‘9’ and replaced it with an '8'. Abracadabra, I’m on my way to the nationals.
(I haven’t the foggiest about these typewriters and magic paper, but I nod.)
T.M.- So nobody authenticated the time and it was as easy as that?
Bam - Yep.
T.M. – But why did you do it. Surely you knew you’d be found out, didn’t you?
Bam – I did it to impress a girl. You know, so that she, along with the whole school would think that I was some sort of cool track star. Didn’t work. When I got back from England she was going with one of my mates. But I didn’t get caught.
T.M. - How come you didn’t get caught? Surely when you ran, they knew you hadn’t done the time. Where did you finish, or did you drop out feigning injury?
Bam – No, I didn’t drop out – I’m not a quitterJ. I finished 13th – a lad dropped out. The race was won by Adrian Passey, who later went on to run in the Olympic 5,000m or 10,000m, I think in L.A. He nearly lapped me. I remember the crowd, about 15,000, cheering me in the blazing sun on the cinder track. I suspect they thought I was brave and gutsy to carry on. Afterwards, Passey told his grandmother that I got a bigger cheer than him. He seemed pretty peeved about that. The guy lacked grace. I never got caught. Never told a soul. But I got a taste for the old running malarkey. Anyway, I’m off to bed. Early start tomorrow.
(Off he went. I sat there gobsmacked. Then something struck me and I called him back)
T.M. - Did you feel guilty?
Bam - All my life.
T.M. - How come you were in a British forces school in Germany and running in the English champ's and all that, if you're Irish?
Bam - Now that's a good question, but I'm too tired to sit here and explain it all at this time of night.
Now as I look over my notes and see some of the things that I’m going to broach, I'm starting to wish I hadn't accepted this assignment. This Bam fella's a complete and utter bampot.
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